From the top again

I have been seeing the doc frequently since mid February. After the first good news, every visit could only get worse, the worst being the call on 1 Apr 2011. And it was no April Fool's joke - I have precancerous cells on my cervix. Tamade.

Just back from a LEEP procedure to remove them. I was not too nervous about it until during the procedure when I was so stressed that fist clenching didn't help until I started humming "I'm so pretty" - just something that came to mind and the doc and I started talking about West Side Story! There were plenty of distractions in the room like postcards on the ceiling and a motherly nurse who chatted with me while the doc concentrated on me.

Saw a piece of me swimming in a bottle after that *.*

Need to refrain from strenuous stuff for a while. Follow-up in two weeks' time. Hopefully everything heals well and we can try for a kid again soon.

A couple of weeks ago, I happened to see a friend's ultrasound photo - the fingers of a four-month-old foetus are so cute. Last Friday, I heard another girl got pregnant. I'm very happy for them but I can't help feeling a little sad for myself.

I wonder if Baby came - and went - for a reason. Without that prenatal PAP smear, I wouldn't be doing one until about August and the cells could have gone worse by then. But still..

The March debate in Sg on having children, what cost of living, cost of raising a child, cost of childcare, cost of education, cost of everything - they are all rubbish and excuses for asking for more money and/or simply not wanting children. When you really want a kid, all these are not as important as good health.

Sometimes, I wonder why this has to happen to me. I don't ask for much, just a simple life. Perhaps I've fallen out of favour with the greater being. Perhaps it's because I've been cursed by my own mother. Perhaps it's just bad luck - based on stats, someone has to get it. And I can't be charmed forever. Perhaps perhaps.

Anyway, thinking too much about it doesn't help. Spitting it out does help relieve negative feelings. But then I must pick myself up and move on. Today marks the beginning of a new hope as I heal and get strong again.

Update

Chanced upon this website Beautiful Cervix Project while I was lying in bed this evening. Neat info but warning: very graphic details!!