Goodbye, Formalin-kun

Sito and I talked about this before - that when we have another baby, it will not be because we want a sibling for ZK, but because we want another child in our life. But by a bad twist of fate, we have sent another angel baby to accompany our two-year-old angel baby in heaven...

This is in remembrance of this angel baby..

We first found ourselves pregnant on Wednesday, 29 May 2013. It was an omg moment when the dark positive line appeared immediately even before the control line.

We hadn't expected it for several reasons. First, I didn't test positive for ovulation, although I did spot some egg white mucous on Monday, 6 May 2013. And, Sito was only at home on weekends! We tried so hard for ZK and this one happened over weekends?! I wasn't even very anxious to test for pregnancy cos it was only my second period since my period returned so I thought it could be weird. I even bought test kits online and waited patiently for their arrival.

But we were excited :)

Finally met our gynae on 10 Jun 2013. He made a funny comment about Sito being amorous! But he was all serious when it came to the scan. We dated six weeks and three days with an EDD of 31 Jan 2014, the first day of LNY 2014. He found that it was my right ovary that popped. He also found the likely cause of some light spotting - a streak of blood next to the sac. So he put me on the angmoh version of 安胎药 - some hormone pills, and the spotting disappeared after some 10-12 days of medication.

Then, yesterday, we had a nice little chat before the scan as he had some cancellations due to the haze. And all were happy until the scan. I noticed two things immediately and simultaneously - that the baby had grown quite a bit, and that there was no flicker, no heartbeat. Doc turned quiet once the picture came on too. After a while, he gave me the bad news. He showed me that the machine detected sound signals from my pulsating blood vessels but nothing from the foetus. He also showed me how well it had grown - the head, the spine, where the umbilical cord connected baby to me.

I felt so disappointed. I was just getting over the initial surprise and really looking forward to this baby. But I wasn't as devastated as last time, perhaps cos I hadn't spent a lot of time talking to it yet, being busy with ZK and work and not being always aware of the new pregnancy. But that also means I have quite some regrets with regard to this poor little baby. I don't think I have even told it I loved it. And then it was gone...

So I went for a D&C this morning. Saw the nurse prepare some solution in a small bottle to hold the foetus which would be sent for a histology. I immediately thought of Formalin-kun in the drama Jin, which we watched a few years ago. Anyway, I fell asleep after an injection and found myself awake 90 min later. Waited for Sito to pick me up. Had ginger fried rice from Mum and slept until almost 6 pm. Sito went to IFC in my place. ZK was happy to see me when he was home. It felt so good to hug him...

I'm feeling ok now. I think I'll go see TCM tmr. Sito has got himself out of his company retreat to Penang so he could be with me this week. Glad for him by my side. And our little boy next door. May our angels in heaven keep watch over us as we keep them in our heart..