The lead-up to part-time

Written over some time in 2019-2020, lost in drafts for two years, edited in Sep 2022 and back-dated to 2019:

I tried unsuccessfully to quit today (8 Oct 2019). 

I was feeling down in the office and saw that my boss was in early. I decided to go in. She went no no no why? And offered me part-time. 

It is a terrible time seeing as my deputy is leaving in December but my babies have to come first. I do regret not quitting when Sito gave me his blessings last year. 

Last Saturday, Kai had homework that he didn’t know how to do. I guided him and patted his back before turning back to my book. But he asked me in such a nice way, “Mama, can you put your hand on me? It makes me feel better about homework.” 

And was it that night or the night before, I read an article on mumsforlife Facebook, shared by a friend. It was about a mother who had a nervous breakdown or something, some serious depression stuff due to work and family stress, and almost died. The next day, I read another article on the same Facebook shared by the same friend, about a mother who talked about being suicidal in one paragraph before a paragraph that really jolted me - she said she felt like if she died, all her troubles would go away. 

I felt the same way many times in the carpark near my office. There’s a junction with cars criss-crossing. And while I stood there, I thought the same thing. I knew I have been feeling defeated for a while but didn’t realise the extent of this until then. 

I told Sito. I told a friend at work who was a counsellor. We agreed this wasn’t good. 

In fact, it was sheer luck I spoke with my counsellor friend. She asked me out for lunch on Monday for another matter. Then she also reminded me how she took over 10 years away from work to raise her children. It was not perfect but she didn’t regret it. She later came back to the workforce. 

I was also told last Friday that I had been more angsty than a few months ago. 

So many signs. So Tuesday happened. 

So here I am, waiting for the application outcome. If it happens, we will try and see if it works, I.e I’m not working full-time for 2/3 pay. If it doesn’t happen or it doesn’t work, it’s back to plan A. But I’m glad to say that I no longer have those thoughts in the carpark. I still remember it every time I pass by but it’s different. Like Sito says, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel now. Let it be light and not headlights :p