I'm done

Wednesday evening, MZ texted me to say Father was in hospital for lung infection and low oxygen level, and ask me to visit. It sounded like he might not make it. I agreed to go.

But I felt rather apprehensive.

I last met him over 20 years ago, and last spoke in 2020 after he made a maintenance claim on us as his CPF RA* was running out. He called me - my number has not changed since after graduation - to ask for money. But the social worker or MSF sent us a copy of his bank book in the course of the maintenance claim - all the CPF money, ComCare money and money from my siblings and relatives were spent like water. How can a single old man spend more than what my household of six (including helper then) spent on groceries? 

* Btw, I truly believe in CPF. Scammed of all his CPF OA but retirement fund was safe and lasted him 20y!

I’m not a 凯子 and I don't support vice or what woman and children in Batam (?!) so I hung up. I just keep paying my share of the maintenance via MZ every month, even after stopping work.

But actually, I had thought about visiting him some months ago - came about from a dream or something, I forgot. Anyway, I agreed to go so I thought about what to say. I even googled “what to say to estranged parent at deathbed” though he was improving by Wednesday night. And Google was all about peace and reconciliation. WTH.

To be honest, I feel vindictive all this while. I wanted to ask him if he felt sorry for what he had done and what he had not done. I wanted to show him that he had missed out on what could have been a good family life, with a permanent shelter over the head, a good wife and three children doing well. But I also didn't know what my response would be following his reply.

After MZ's text, I was busy with kids (and C drama!) and then grocery shopping and housework on ytd morning. Must finish up everything before I left.

Before I knew it, I was at the hospital. Passed by the room accidentally and turned back to check the door sign. An emaciated old man inside waved me in through the seeing glass. I didn’t recognise this old man. I had to check the name on the board before I was sure I was at the right place.

Turned out he has dementia. Found out from the speech therapist who came in to do a swallowing assessment. Later I learnt that his dementia started after a mild stroke in 2020, shortly after he claimed maintenance. He had since been living in a nursing home.

His speech was a little slurred. He remembered his three children and their names. But I’m not sure he really recognised me; he waved at everyone looking through the door coz his back and legs hurt. So I wasn’t able to get a reply to my question, which I almost shouted into his ear coz he’s hard of hearing. Before that, it was where I lived, did I study, did I work, did I stay with Mother. Repeat. After that, coz I mentioned when he was younger, it was all about billiard, how he played for money. But my school fees went unpaid anyway. Told him billiard was useless. I should have put in a choice adjective before "useless".

He kept complaining that his back and legs were in pain. I couldn't move him. Pain. Took me two trips to finally find an available nurse to help adjust his position. In the end, still pain.

Then YQ arrived and simply acknowledged the billiard bullshit and told me to get used to all the complaints about pain. He definitely recognised him more. Before the maintenance claim, MZ and YQ had already been giving him money just to get him off their backs. Else he would call other relatives who would in turn call them. Worse, he called Mother’s phone and threatened to go to the house! They even paid off a loanshark debt for him. 

I learnt about all this during the maintenance claim as we shared all the dirt. I lived with them for only six years after the divorce before I moved out*. And I spent more time at work and play than at home. Anyway, we don't really talk since we were kids; just not friends, you know. 

* After the divorce was finalised when I was 19, I left straight for Oxford. I didn't know anything while I was away, though I visited him during summer breaks. After university, I also gave him money. The last time was when he wanted to renew his taxi licence or something like that. But of course he squandered the money without ever touching his licence or a taxi. That was the last I saw of him.

I left the hospital shortly after YQ arrived. By then I knew I wasn't able to get anything sensible. Then YQ told me the ward was for TB risk; a nurse told him to go in at his own risk. Tmd. No one told me. Lucky I had a mask on anyway. I was paranoid to get out. What if I spread to my kids?! But later on the train, MZ confirmed that the doctor said negative for TB. I washed down madly anyway when I got home. Came out shortly before the kids came home, and Sito could go fetch Yu from HCL.

So, is there closure for me?

He's losing his mind now. Nothing matters to him now. But I'm still here and clear minded. Kel said it is better for me to think that he was sorry. But I cannot kid myself. 

Now, Sito always reminds Yang to accept distractions and put them aside so that he could focus on what's at hand. Accept. So I accept the fact that I would never know whether he has ever felt sorry. 

Anyway, he is bearing the consequence of his actions now. He's reduced to such a state in old age, with no one to love and holding on to only memories of his useless billiard days.

I still remember how he looked like 20y ago. I even took a photo with him during one summer break. He looked so different with old age and illness. I told Sito it was probably illness. Coz Mother looks way healthier at only three years younger and Sito's grandma is still feisty at over 90yo. YQ said he was thin even before the stroke, coz money went to Batam (and vice), less to eat. "Fucking silly brainless man!" I totally agree.

Ytd, I also scrolled through the WhatsApp chat during the maintenance claim after the visit, and saw one part saying how nosey relatives once tried to tell Mother about him but she stopped them, coz she had no interest in knowing 👏  That's something I could learn from. 

There is no need for me to think about this anymore.

I'm done.

SG60!

Everywhere we go in the past month or so, we see posters saying "HAPPY 60TH BIRTHDAY". But I bet some people see "GOTH" like me, haha!

Although 60年是一甲子，i.e. very significant, I remember SG50 the best, coz my son was a poster boy :p

Yes, that baby is Yang!

That baby is now a big boy of 11 years :)

Anyway, as usual, we like to play NDP songs to hype the kids up for National Day. This year, I expanded my Youtube playlist to include almost all the NDP songs since the 1980s. Played these songs whenever we were seated in the living room with the kids. They still prefer songs from the past few years and the oldies from Papa and Mama's childhood.

Once again, our neighbourhood ND Observance Ceremony was held at the OHV mall. We had breakfast at the hawker centre before going over. Like last year, there were more elderly than kids *.* Hope they all have young grandkids to gift the playdoh sets in the goodie bags...

Long time no eat prata with Milo!

Sito and I had youtiao, him with soy milk and me with kopi siew dai. Happy to get $3 DBS cashback!

Yu took part in a quiz

His baby belly is so cute right? :) Brave little boy had raised his hand a few times before but didn't manage to catch the emcees' attention until we redeemed our ice cream snacks. When I saw him raise his hand again, I told him to jump a bit, and that did it! He just smiled shyly when the emcee highlighted the ice cream on his face, hoho! 

He said he wanted to take part coz he wanted to know what the prize was. Later back home, he wasn't quite pleased to find that the prize - supermarket trolley token (!) - was also given in the goodie bags...

Besides snacks, there were also game stalls and info booths. The kids played all the games. Prizes this time were candies. I don't fancy candy but I think they were more useful (at least can eat!) than random lunchboxes which we got last year and have yet to use.

I was particularly interested in the LTA booth - they're starting to build the traffic light near the bus stop for the road between our and Mum's precincts this quarter!

Some months ago, a jaywalker was fatally knocked down on this road further up - we saw the blue tent covering the body *.* Right after, I wrote in to our MP about the need for a traffic light. Many people including unsupervised primary school kids cross that road to get to the bus stop. MPS staff replied that they were going to build but did not give a timeline. Finally I saw the artist's impression of the crossing at the booth!

My very own VR Man, playing Beat Saber to NDP songs

The kids watched Hossan Leong's "We Live in Singapura" lately and learnt about various things from 20-40y ago, like VR Man. They've also been asking about Yusof Ishak, Lim Yew Hock and Chee Soon Juan. Social studies can't do better than a song 🤷‍♀️ 

Mario Kart - you guy don't play enough at home meh??

Oblivious to our MP watching him play

Nvm, Yang was wearing a headset. But Yu was playing Mario Kart with no headset, and he didn't even realise someone patted his head 🤦‍♀️  Ya, the eyes only on the screen...

Clan Sito all in red for ND!

Gonna leave before the end so no chance to take photo with the stage backdrop so used the smaller version - our tickets!

We were all so full from breakfast and the ice cream snacks that we didn't think much about lunch until I felt like I had to clear the dining table - we brought back hotdog buns and biscuits from the snacks stalls. The four of them ate everything. I couldn't eat anything.

Long time no paste tattoos!

Oh ya, I changed into PJs early in the day coz comfy :p I rubbed off the tattoos last night but I think Yang and Yu still had theirs on their hands :)

So it was quite a fun ND for the kids - nice breakfast, games, hotdogs (instead of my porridge) for lunch, tattoos and clappers and whistles from the goodie bags, yummy Macs for dinner. It was also very noisy, no thanks to the whistles!

We had an early dinner - Macs coz Yang didn't want KFC and there was no good deals at Domino's. Sito bought seven burgers, 24 nuggets, five packs of fries and five drinks. I don't know what combi he used but everything turned out just nice - he and Kai had two burgers each. We finished just in time to watch the NDP show on TV.

I must admit that this year, I wasn't focusing much on the TV coz my new phone arrived in the afternoon! After transferring my data just before dinner, I spent the evening figuring things out and logging in etc. 

But the days after, I watched reels and read news about the NDP. So nice to see more pictures from various angles. Ah, I like ND :)

No yellow face!

When I was a kid, I often heard this term: 黄脸婆

Huh? Yellow-faced old woman? Sallow face - gosh, sounds horrid.

Well, it typically refers to an old housewife. Why? Beats me! A quick search reveals the following possibilities:

1. Hormonal changes can cause changes to the skin in an older woman
2. In the past, cosmetics tended to contain lead which could cause skin pigments to turn yellow; older women were more affected as they were exposed to those products for a longer period of time

"Old" and "yellow skin" aren't words that are flattering to a woman of any age! So this term always carries a negative connotation. But I wouldn't mind it if Sito says that I'm his 黄脸婆 in an endearing manner :) And I do embrace my age.

Still, that doesn't mean I should allow myself to look old or ugly even though I'm *just* a SAHM. Yes, I don't have video conferences, and my interactions with friends are mostly via WhatsApp given that most of us have kiddy commitments.

But Sito sees me - I'm his ex-girlfriend and wife before I'm the mother of his kids. The kids see me - there is no reason I can't be effective at home and presentable in and out of the home too.

So I never dropped my skincare routine. Yes, there have been changes. I dropped cosmetics when I was working from home but I never stopped my sunscreen. Now, I still put on sunscreen on days I don't leave the house. When I do go out, I may even put on some loose powder to even out my skin tone.

From January, I use face masks nearly daily after my evening shower as I bought a few packs from Japan. But I think that's not sustainable as I have to lie down for 10min after putting that on. Some more, I don't think it has made any difference so far. I'm on my last pack and will not buy anymore.

In fact, lately, I've been looking at cheek and lip tints to give myself some colour when I go out. And since the past week, I've been applying facial moisturiser on my perpetually dry lips. Seriously no lip balm works well for me! So far so good. Hope it can help...

Anyway, point is, 内在美固然重要，外在也不可忽略！

Chess trophy for Kai :)

Congrats to Kai for clinching his first trophy, woohoo!!

First runner up for U15 🏆 

This was his 12th tournament already, since he played his first in December. Sito keeps an Excel spreadsheet of all his tournaments and FIDE ratings etc. Yes, we're very OCD. We also love Excel, haha!

Anyway, this round, he met a few friends - from school, Queenstown CC chess club and Bishan chess class. Wait, did I mention he attended a term of chess class after doing well in the NSI? Well, he decided to stop the class this term as his friend S decided to quit he wanted to focus on this studies.

While Sito and Kai were at SMU for the chess tournament, I was at Clementi with Yang and Yu. When they set off for Clementi, we left the library for Swensen's.

Earthquake to celebrate Kai's win!

Courtesy of Swensen's actually, coz we go there so many times and have accumulated a large number of kiddy meals...! Probably no more after this now that the kids have moved beyond kiddy meals... But sometimes Sito and I get kiddy meals instead haha! We also have a free ice cream cake for spending beyond $1k in a year or something. Yes, we eat a lot of Swensen's.

Oops, digressed...

So yesterday, Kai was very pleased. While he was showering, I gave the trophy a wipedown after its exit from the bag, ready for display at home. After his shower, he saw it on the dining table (as I was still wiping down our shopping from Clementi - yes, OCD) and took it back to his room happily. Over lunch, we all* agreed to display it in the living room once I've cleared out some space... 

* His brothers are also very excited over his trophy :)

Kai: But don't block the TV ok?

Of course, my boy :)

Bedtime with the boys

I used to check on my sleeping boys before my own bedtime, just to see their sleeping faces and sometimes cover their blankets properly. Often, I sneaked in a kiss or two, and for Yu, smelled his sweet saliva baby scent.

But I stopped that some time during the June term break. Yu said I didn't close his room door properly when I left and would rather I not go in *.* His room door is difficult to close fully - think the hinge was a bit off but we didn't realise earlier coz it wasn't used for sleeping until just before this year.

They're still alive :p

I'm glad that we still do bedtime with the younger ones. Nowadays, Sito meditates with Yang while I lie down with Yu. Then I turn out the light for Yu and lie down with Yang. If Sito is not around, Yang will do quiet things in his room or hang out with Kai until I'm ready for him. Kai has not wanted me to lie down with him since P5 or P6 - I can't remember exactly when but it was after we moved here in August 2023. He prefers to play chess on the iPad...

Bedtime routine with the boys is like stolen quiet time. Stolen from their little band of rowdiness and complete unawareness of others when they are playing and chatting among themselves. During this bedtime routine, there's only one parent and one child. During this time, little gems of life may emerge from the comfort of the bed and the hugs and snuggles.

With Yu, he likes to hug his fluffy toys as I hug him, and sometimes even talk to me through them. Bedtime chats are usually very light. Like this snippet. More recently, on 26 May, Yu prayed for the toy bear that he lost in Osaka. He said that was the first time he prayed. Mostly, he acts like a baby (or cat?) and 蹭 my arms and face like mad *.* Just like I may remind him to do things, he may also take the chance to remind me to do things for him!

Solo time with Yu when I picked him up after HCL on Thursday

With Yang, there were many memorable moments. When he was in child care, he prayed for a sniffling mama to get well. Once, I found him crying silently coz that day, I decided that I would only speak Mandarin at bedtime and he was afraid he wouldn't be able to understand me!?!

Last night, I was hugging Yang with his back facing me. He really wanted to get better marks so that he could have more phone time during term breaks. I told him how Papa and Mama had seen his good attitude - he may complain that he has no time to play but he would still come to us when we ask him to start work. And how hard he works! 

Yes, we all - parents and Yang himself - may be sad if he doesn't get good marks this year but it's ok if he has put in his best. And if he continues to put in effort, results would come in some form sooner or later. 

Next thing I knew, he rubbed his eyes. I asked if he was crying. He said a little. Awww.... My heart...

I really miss doing this with Kai. Sometimes, I go to his room after I'm done with Yang. Go away, he says, eyes still on the iPad :( He still comes to our room after playing chess. But it's just different from me going to his bed, somehow... Maybe all he talks about is chess which I don't get. I made a note to chat with him today. Hope I get to do it later...

Update 4 August

So I managed to speak with Kai - before I unlocked the iPad :p But on retrospect, it was more of a reminder than a proper random chat.. I should do better...

Then two nights ago, he invited me to his room coz he wanted to spend some time with me. I was so happy! But when I lay down in his bed, he told me to stick out a leg - he just wanted to pluck my leg hair! 🤦‍♀️ 

He targeted my hair after Papa shooed him away!!

But it was his birthday that day so I entertained him - two strands and bye bye! This boy is curious why we have so much hair on our legs, especially Papa, haha! You just wait!