Sunday, 29 May 2005

Not again..

Feel like I'm writing a trilogy here; spooked once more last night =(

I stepped into the bathroom with make-up remover all over my face and as I closed the door, there it was, a cockroach just slightly bigger than the Fri one, on the wall adjacent to the door, right above my hair conditioner! I went ~ahhh~ and dashed past the thing out of the bathroom.

Bug buster alert! bug buster alert!

Shieldtox arrived but MZ dared not peek in case the thing flew, useless! Bo bian, I washed off my cleanser at the sink so if the thing flew it would not stick onto my face, and gingerly put my right foot on the bathroom floor, turned to the wall and.. cockroach had gone into hiding! That crispy bastard..

Mother refused to do anything. "Cockroach will eat you meh?! It's more afraid of you la!"

mf had to rise to the occasion! I stepped totally into the bathroom once more and grabbed hold of the shower head. Plan was to spray water at the toiletries basket to force the thing out so MZ would remove it with Shieldtox. But plan failed; the smart pest remained in hiding..

I needed to shower!!

Plan B: do nuts. I decided to shower with the door ajar so if need be, I could dash out, anyway bro wasn't in :p It must be my quickest shower in history man..

Ok, enough of roaches..

Met KLK and Perd after gym yesterday, were supposed to play pool but by the time everyone arrived, I had to leave for a massage session with CY. Usually I just get a bit beebee; don't doze off during full body massage but yesterday I even had a dream! Think it must be because I hadn't slept well for a whole week.

Rejoined the guys with CY for dinner and drinks. At first we were talking about our school days - again, cos it was so fun :) We plan to go back to visit Mrs Yeo in July when YX, MS and YS come back. Kok and Perd were also disagreeing on whether friends or gfs are more important. Perd said friends while Kok said gfs; the reason the six of us were sitting there together instead of with gf/bf was due to Perd's reasoning! Heh, and Kok added that his "你算老几??" theory worked at least once for him :p

Then they became mean! My tummy became a topic.. At first it was the usual: mf was fatTER last time; so still fat la! Then Kok was saying he'll be working in a clean room env and the working hours will be very siong, cannot find gf etc. It evolved to Perd saying Kok should store his sperms in syringes in the freezer in case the chemicals should affect his reproductivity! Kel said Kok should first work his theory to find someone to have his kids first.. Somehow the arrow turned to me to be the "incubator" for his kids! Wa liao, ok lor, if he would sponsor Marie France Bodyline for life :p But Tok said it wouldn't affect my figure much since there wasn't one to begin with in the first place.. Sob! =(

But the funny part was Perd speaking almost totally in Mandarin. He had to ask what sperms, syringe etc were in Chinese as he "advised" Kok.. Even as we parted, Perd was reminding Kok to remember to store the syringes in the coldest fridge - 最冷的! CY and I only heard four words of Kok's reply that left us in stitches: 我的精子!

Oh almost forgot, my new dancing shoes are so pretty! :) Was cooking lunch yesterday when a cool Indian guy knocked on my door. You mean we have such cool postmen around? :p But I was totally not cool, kiddish pyjamas, pink and bears and all, gaaar.. Anyway I'm bringing my shoes to class today, need to break into them as they feel a bit tight. Can't wait! :)

Saturday, 28 May 2005


Realised I forgot to post pictures of the medal exam.. All photos and editing software are in my office laptop so check out Al's blog for a very nice group photo :)

Sighs, it's looking like a nice day out there, should have gone to the pool! My tan is fast fading.. In fact you wouldn't think I have a tan now!

Am MSN-ing this very moment, suddenly realise I use a lot of smileys, like, seriously A LOT! All the smileys in each conversation seem to belong to me only.. Think some years back, someone (QX or BH?) said that he had never known anyone who used that many smileys in one single (ICQ, as was the rage then) message or something like that..

Speaking of ICQ, I'm supposed to check something.. About Kel and a highly possible case of amnesia!

Wa liao, the thing took three freaking long minutes to load! Then hung when I tried to search my message archive for "thanks"! While I load it again, let me tell you about his amnesia - ya almost confirmed le, saw a message from me to him that's highly suspect, on 2 Jan 2001.

One day Kel asked me if he had ever gave me a necklace for my birthday. I said yes immediately cos I remember he was in SG then but I received a package sent within UK. I sent him an ICQ message to thank him and he replied that he had asked a friend in Cam to help him send so it would reach me in time. So nice right? But guess what, he forgot the whole damn thing!! And when I described the necklace, he still could not remember and insisted that he couldn't have given me a necklace with a freaking (my word) heart-shaped pendant.. Sucks right?

Ok, ICQ loaded..

Hung again!! =( Well I like the number 3 so I shall try one last time..

So I told Kel I would go and check my ICQ history for hard evidence!

... There go another three minutes of my youth..

Right, ICQ HUNG ON ME AGAIN! =( But I have already made a discovery.. I couldn't copy so roughly:

Kel: Have you received something?
mf: Huh, what?
Kel: Erm, nevermind, just heard there was some delay..
mf: What..?
Kel: You'll understand in due course..

Above exchange was in late Dec 2000. Turned out the 2 Jan 2001 thank-you message was 2 Feb 2001 - saw wrongly - and was for helping me solve some maths.. I remember I was choosing between this necklace and the one from SY and TPL for Singnite 2001 in Feb so there, you have amnesia, Kel!! :p

I washed my Nokia


Cos doubly spooked, I was last night.

I did my usual thing of putting mobile on the altar top when I got back. Then, something moved from under my phone across the surface for 10cm and stopped.


When I realised it stopped right next to my Hello Kitty pen, I was pissed, oh yes I was *_* Quickly I summoned the roach expert - MZ - who is also scared of roaches herself but who also dares to kill them. I blew the thing so it moved away from my cute pen down the altar instead.

Then I was distracted by something moving out of the corner of my eye.. Outside the window was *gasp* a huge fluttering thing - fluttering! I alerted Miss Bug Buster to close the window before it flew in and scared me to death - my route was blocked by cockroach and anyway I dared not go too near the flutterer - but she only said there was (another?) one on the corridor the other day. Hello? Did she think I was freaking blind and didn't see?!

So she turned her attention back to the smaller but nearer threat and worked her Baygon - eh wrong, should be Shieldtox - magic, PSSSST!

But strong, the roach was; hanging on to the altar, it was. Ok ok, too much corn for a beautiful Sat morning even for me :p So it was that the stupid roach refused to drop and die! It was rounding the edge of the altar towards me, I saw the disgusting feelers first.. When the head came round, I gathered full lung capacity and blew - it dropped with legs upwards! Heh heh..

Then suddenly PIAK! A roll of newspaper struck out of nowhere and the roach finally looked like it was dying. Fluttering thing was gone by then so MZ went back to her darling TV while I went to shower..

Eh wait, I forgot when I washed my HP - you can't blame me cos it was freaking 130am.. Think it was before I blew the thing away from my pen? Anyway I switched off the thing and washed it under running water to remove invisble (and imaginary? :p) roach germs. It wasn't until after my shower did I realise what stupid thing I had done :( It refused to be switched on - dead?! Desperate, I dismantled the thing to let it dry overnight.. Poor phone woke up this morning, phew..

Before the spooks, I was out with KT, YH and HJ for dinner and drinks and we were talking about school and CLDDS. Apparently our juniors thought the song from our batch - lyrics by various, tune by Ker - was very nice! I agree; I can still sing it :) Then one of KT's friend from somewhere recently told him he watched a play at NJ that he liked well and could still remember the plot and certain characters. Guess what, it was our play!! So touched people still remember.. Miss those days when we were preparing for it.. Tough but so much fun :)

Oh, somehow we came to an NJ cheer that goes:
"We've got the red,
We've got the white,
We've got the stripes,
We've got the lion on our side!"

Think that's awful? It has a Chinese version:

The last two lines got us in stitches, “我们有线,我们有狮子在这边”?! Gee.. But back in those orientation days, we still cheered our voices hoarse - at least I did, die-hard Girl Guide :)

Friday, 27 May 2005


If there is a mood chart where I can plot the highs and lows of my mood against every minute, it will show white noise.

Let's examine my past 22hours. Yesterday we went to visit Chris' newborn daughter at the hospital. She's so small! Her face is barely the size of my hand! Felt very happy looking at her expressions and cute cookie hands.. She's so cute I felt cute too :p Then the next hour, I was feeling dreamy.. I want a baby too *pout* Kel gave me a crap solution and I went BAH! No, he didn't offer himself, thank goodness..

Was sleepy post-lunch, haven't slept well since last Fri, so shitty mood. Ker said he's not talking to me cos I didn't jio him to go clubbing and I was like *.* Then work got me excited a bit but had to leave for dinner, a bit sad to leave work..!

It was a decline from there cos I was very tired and debating whether or not to go dancing. Very sian at dinner and worse when Na was an hour late; I was dozing off at BK.. Think I would be black-faced if I weren't too tired to even muster my muscles into a frown.. CY might remember once I was very pissed that she was late (and also cos it was freaking hot); she's very punctual now :p Na, hear hear, heh! Oh your interesting hair-do helped dispel the sian-ness too!

Too tired so decided to just have a drink, didn't even change into dancing shoes. Then a number of guys asked me to dance.. Why didn't that happen the past 300 times when I was wearing proper shoes?! I concluded it was because this time, there was no guy around me *.* (again) Had a simple dance with Na though, since my sandals cmi, so ok la, 10 calories gone :)

Was locked out of house at 1155pm. FREAKING HELL! Bro was stupid la, couldn't tell I wasn't back meh?! And his gf was still around, why did he latch the door?! As if returning wasn't unhappy enough..

Roamed to an old sms from Kel when clearing sms just before bedtime, lyrics to song: "那天的云是否都已料到 所以脚步才轻巧 / 风吹着白云飘 你到那里去了" Suddenly felt touched by the words and tune, for no reason at all.. Or is there? *Shrug*

On the way to work, SMAP's 世界に一つだけの花 came on air - started to feel very happy, felt that it'll be a good day today :) There's something about the tune that makes me smile.. When the song ended, I returned to neutral mode..

I've completed a few small things this busy morning. Now again, neutral.. Better diffuse into busy state now, aim to finish my list of stuff before end of the day! *Excited*

Wednesday, 25 May 2005

mf was spooked!

Was sitting on the sofa wearing my shoes this morning when something dark on the white corridor outside caught my eye..


Oh no.. It's one of those huge weightless flying things with patterns on the wings.. How to leave the house? Will I disturb it when I open the door? Will it flutter all around me? NOOO!! =(

Then bro opened the door and left for school.

The creature didn't move a bit.

Slightly relieved.. Thought it must be sleeping and left the house as quietly as I could. Hmmm, do they have ears?? Whatever.. Anyway, have been scared of such fluttering things since watching Mi Li Ye when I was a kid. Do you remember? The SBC (not even TCS yet! What is it now? :p) drama series of short creepy tales?

The elders always say that these butterflies/moths are the manifestation of the souls of people who have died. Mother will say it's either dua gor who doted on us or Gramps. I'm tempted to believe it cos I notice that they appear more frequently during the seventh lunar month.. But of course, that month is always around the same time every year so can be explained by the creatures' mating season. Let me be rational..

Speaking of Gramps, Sunday was his death anniversary. We had some sort of ceremony going on at Grams' place. We took three incense sticks each and prayed - I never knew how to pray, just thought in my head, "to ah gong" - before putting the sticks in the urn, facing the offerings and the door. Then the uncles went downstairs to burn the paper clothes and incense paper etc. And it was done. The offerings to Gramps became lunch for the living. That night, Mother went back and lit more incense at the altar cos it was also the 15th day of the lunar month.

Sometimes I wonder if such traditional practices will survive my generation. Perhaps it will but the next? I know for certain that I will not tolerate an altar occupying 20% of my living room lor! Not to mention that my eyes are sensitive to the incense smoke.

But there are some traditions I'll want to perpetuate, like visiting relatives during CNY, making rice dumplings and playing with paper lanterns. I like my extended family, not all of them :p but CNY is when the cousins will congregate for silly games! Rice dumplings are so so sinful but I love them! And I'm taking leave next Thurs to make them - Mother will prepare and cook while I shall do the wrapping and tying, techniques that elude her for some reason. Then there's my yearly love affair with paper lanterns, even at this age. It's just.. nice to go downstairs with CY carrying our colourful lanterns and some mooncakes :)

I guess I'm more open to the more secular traditions, or so long as no praying and no incense sticks are involved. Years of crying in the presence of incense smoke have made me totally averse to the whole praying thing, and it's not like I have much faith in this kind of thing anyway..

Tuesday, 24 May 2005

The sun and me

Have you noticed the sun lately? Eg, it's now shining into your room at 8am when it didn't in the past few months at the same time. I don't know the exact (cosmo-)physics of it - and can't be bothered to research on it! - but think the reason is that we have entered a new phase of the earth's revolution. Not a very big thing when you translate to everyday life; it's not as if day and night swap places. But I feel a difference in me.

They say that the moon affects things and people, like the tides and menstrual cycles. I have not heard similar things about the sun. But I think the sun shows its effects in more than just seasons and crops (if the sun is the one affecting them at all.. Perhaps I do need to research on it! Getting more curious..); it affects me, specifically, my mood.

Some time in the past week, I realised that it was brighter in the morning when I woke at the same time. And it was not due to the new neon lights of the new coffee shop downstairs. I feel energised and happy! Even at work, though I almost dozed off after a fulfilling lunch today, I feel more energetic than I have been since my return from my trip. It's so different from the last sun phase - my term, don't know what else to call it - when I felt very lethargic almost all the time.

I'm wondering if this happens to other people..?

Anyway, check out photos from the ballroom exam, link on the sidebar.

And something interesting to share, especially if you're a Star Wars fan :)
The Darth Side: Memoirs of a Monster

I'm off to watch the movie now!


That 2-3week old pimple finally burst! Itchy fingers happened to pinch on it a little - only a little! - and suddenly blood started to ooze out. Honestly, I've never seen so much blood in a pimple; it's scary.. It was deep blood-red at first but now, yes now as I type, it spots my tissue paper orange. Quite gross yet fascinating :p

Twenty years of perfect skin - spotted only in 1998 by one 8mm pimple - are a thing of the past. In recent years, little dots have become nomadic on my forehead. The past six months were crap; this big one is already the fourth of its kind at my chin =( IS said it's work stress; beautician said it's digestive/ intestinal problems. Whatever it is, pls don't give a scar..

I feel unpretty despite my pretty flower brooch =/

Monday, 23 May 2005

Long weekend, busy weekend

I haven't had decent sleep since Fri =( Always sleeping late and waking up early. Must sleep earlier tonight! Tomorrow marks a new working week, and worse, a drought in public holidays, sigh..

Miki came and went over the past four days. We went to Union on Fri night, had lots of fun!! XY, Hup and Sito turned up unexpectedly and I got Hup to dance with Miki. Met again last night for dinner and drinks, this time with the Oxford people. But she was crying so much! The girl can be so sentimental.. Sighs, really don't know what to say or do except to be there and offer her tissue paper.. I'm such a block of wood! Argh!

When I got back last night/this morning, I suddenly thought of something: I haven't cried for a long time! .. Not cos I was sad anyway.. There used to be a time when I would cry a lot on my own, especially in pri-sec school. Later it was movies and novels that made me cry. Recently, zilch. Is this cold-blooded creature getting more so?

I'm so in pain right now. Been dancing a total of 10-12hours since Wed, the bulk of which was for ballroom, to prepare for the bronze exam yesterday. I was so nervous, especially since I requested to be the first one to go so I could leave earlier for dinner with Miki just downstairs. I went back for photos and results later and had a chat with the class and the examiner Neil Dewar. Turned out he's coaching at Oxford! Then Sito put on his British accent too. Felt like I was back at the Rose Lane church hall :)

Besides my joints and feet and blisters, my muscles are aching as well, delayed reaction from bowling on Sat. 114, not my highest but not bad la, beat Kel, heh heh! We hid at Great World City to escape the horrible Sat crowds elsewhere and la-ed kopi until the whole place closed. Had some interesting topics going too, among them Kok's DOI - Declaration of Interest (in girl) - and my supposedly warped thinking with regards to relationships - three of them shook hands in agreement somemore! SY and I were counting years before we could put down a deposit for a house, shared with gfs, or with future partner, or on our own. Conclusion was that we'll have to either get married or wait until 35; a HDB flat is more feasible unless we want to spend the rest of our lives paying for a studio apartment the size of my living room =(

I pray that upgrading works of my estate start asap, pls! I'm so getting crazy without personal space, without a desk to place my lappy (it's really a LAPtop now, damn hot), without a wardrobe of my own, without the serenity of 177A Iffley Road..

This is mf vegetating on a humid Mon afternoon..

Saturday, 21 May 2005

"English pls"

Say, you're Chinese and asking directions from a random passerby who happens to be obviously Chinese. Will you use Mandarin or English?

I heard something on the radio a few days ago. Topic of the day is speaking and learning Chinese, or more generally, native language.

Tis caller said she had encountered a Chinese woman who asked him to speak in English when he was asking directions in Mandarin. It was ok except that she sounded like she despised that he was speaking to her in Mandarin.

I was disgusted.

Can't stand it that some people consider English a more high class language just because it's our working language. Worse, some give up their native tongue totally. I'll speak only in the context of Chinese from now.

It's sad that serious interest in the Chinese language is dwindling. I say seious because the current thrust is that you need to know the language (oh and of course, learn the culture as well but from books, yah right..) to have a place in the future since China is an emerging power.

Hello? Wrong!

I always feel my Mandarin sucks, especially when I'm talking to true blue native speakers from PRC/ Taiwan. Don't stone me, I know my Mandarin is ok enough but I feel inadequate speaking to them cos I can't express myself sufficiently with my limited vocab bank. I realise that I can't even write well in Chinese these days without a dictionary. Gone were the days when I could easily throw up essays with minimal reference to a dictionary. I remember I was so amazed with myself when I reread my essays from JC some time last year; they were so good I forgot I wrote them!

Have been trying to re-acquaintance myself with the language since forever. Think I started out by reading
Dream of the Red Chamber in third year. That took me a year! Then I read half of this book on Chinese history and I was lost =( Will dig it out again. Or find some online source which is easier to digest..

I can't sit here anymore; mosquitoes are sucking me dry!!

Group-think ain't my thing

Realise I haven't written nuts in ages, no time.. Hope can still remember the significant stuff, and finish everything before going out!

Too much to write * too little time = messy :p

Granted, group-think has its advantages: tap on people's expertise, new perspectives from non-experts, the rare new/great idea, yada yada.. But I realised that very often, the same old things were simply digested and regurgitated in another form. And cynicism spreads. Then too much time may be spent on fundamental philosophies which have already been discussed to death and which may throw up more questions. People get distracted, side-track, especially during long sessions. Information overload. And what comes out of the discussion may not be constructive at all. Blah blah. I don't like.

Was note-taker for two discussions on Wed and watched two different styles of facilitating discussions. One thing I realised was that a facilitator plays a major role in any discussion; he/she needs to get the group started and keep pushing them to look at the topic from different angles, and when the group side-tracks, he/she has to bring them back to focus. Think it's an interesting position but I can never be one; I'm too scatter-brain :p

Someone mentioned that the older generation sees their kids as financial security, so they do not worry if they have no CPF, no savings. The younger generation of parents, however, are more likely to have money as a safeguard against kids who may not support them in old age.

Honestly, I've never thought about this before then but I look to my family and realise it's the truth. My grandparents brought up their seven kids with a provision shop. Then uncle took over and cared for the elders. Now he has his kids to provide for him while he continues to take care of Grams. Mother used to work at the provision shop until she got married. Besides doing some paid work at home, she has only worked outside for 2-3 years while I was in Oxford. Now she's 59 and still a full-time housekeeper. So she has limited savings and only ERS in her CPF. It's now left to us to provide for her.

No wonder people are stressed! You have to take care of ageing parents and if you start a family, your kids as well. Kids are optional, parents are not. So people can choose not to have kids. If we want more babies in SG, we need to free or at least reduce the future (likely single-child) generation from such a huge burden of caring for both the young and the old. Besides monetary incentives from the government for each birth, people has to understand that sloth is the greatest sin! :p I don't see my generation retiring before 70. We must have our own savings to see ourselves through old age, not so much as a safeguard but to reduce the burden on the kids. And don't forget to maintain a healthy lifestyle besides praying real hard every day for good health.

Then we talked about persons with disabilities (PWD) which include both physical and intellectual handicap. These are the people we seldom see in public places. But is it because the physical environment is not accessible to them? Or is the (negative/hostile?) non-physical environment created by the so-called normal people that is us a greater factor? When you see PWD, especially those with visible disabilities, how would you react? Feel embarassed (by what: their disability or our relative normality?) and pretend not to see them or look away? Look at them with sympathy? What if they need simple help like holding the door open? You help, you say. Do you help them like they are a mother with kids in tow or do you help them cos you pity them? We do not seem to know how to react to people who are different from us. And even the right actions may not be accompanied by the right motivation.

If we look at the disadvantaged groups as a whole, namely the aged, the disabled, the financially needy, the non-/lower educated etc, in general, how can we help them, and why? And perhaps we question: do they need help? What makes us assume that they need help? The other side of society may need help too, help to see these "disadvantaged" groups in a different light, that we are all not that different.

Being disadvantaged needs not mean just living support, it is also about being relevant to society, to family and friends. It is relatively easier if the issue is just money. When it involves more than that, things get tough. The public has to be willing to give assistance and more importantly, acceptance.

And someone said public marketing could be more important and effective than public education. Of course, these days everything is about marketing/ branding/ packaging or whatever you call it. Read an article by Sumiko Tan two Sundays ago, the last line stuck: "Because, if something is marketed well, you'll get customers like me, a Singaporean coveting a 'Singapore' T-shirt from an American store."

Then during the presentation, a group brought up safe sex education especially for teenagers and someone argued that by publicly educating on safe sex, the young may learn of it sooner than before and be tempted to try it sooner too. That begs a question: would we rather have a small group (of teenagers la, else guess not small! :p) having unprotected sex or a bigger group having safe sex but earlier in life? Tough..

Suddenly recall the old game Sim City. I would like to build and run my own city, perhaps in a non-mf-ised manner. Throw in smart people and balanced policies that result in a thriving and vibrant city. And perhaps where sex is not taboo even among teenagers as long as you use a condom? Heh.. But maybe I'm too ambitious. I'll settle for being a parent :p

The event had over-run by 1.5hr by 6pm when I realised I had to rush for ballroom. No time to look around NACLI. I was last there some six years back for a pre-departure course. I remember I sprained my right thumb playing bball the very first night and delayed going to a sinseh until the end of the course. And I was reminded of the cute frog we saw on our way up the countless steps another night. Then there was this familiar smell that hit me unexpectedly on a corridor. Strange cos the place looked like it had been renovated..

Did't feel like splurging on a cab so I walked down South Buona Vista Rd to Pasir Panjang Rd. Now the paiseh part: I asked an angmoh girl for direction at one point when the road divides into two still bearing the same name! She looked.. amused.. So I reached the bus stop and flagged down a bus. Eyed my usual seats near the exit and hey, seat next to cute guy available! But someone in front stopped the drool by smacking me with some paper.. Sito?! Right, he stayed around there.. No more cute guy for me but at least I didn't miss my stop.

Oh, Shifu mispronounced his name at his first lesson as "Sico" :p "Sicko Sito"? Heh heh!

Saturday, 14 May 2005


Oh, almost forgot about this.. which isn't too cute..

I first heard sentences like this back in late 2003:

"I've ever been to this place."
"I ever saw this thing."

Makes sense? NOOO! And it irks me no end!

But given that language is really not my forte, I decide to check if I'm really right or if I'm just being sua ku. A
website on grammar confirmed that mf is right, so if I may...


You may ask:
"Have you ever been to this place?"
"Have you ever seen this thing?"

But in an affirmative reply, you don't EVER use the word "ever"!! Roger?

Btw, I realise I'm most linguistically creative in the sms battles with Kel, not because it's natural for me but because I need to defend myself against his whipping sarcasm. Those messages do not bear repeating.. Hmph! Nevertheless, a big thank you for working my brain!!

PS: If I find no word to ward off his attacks adequately (note: key is adequately, not that I'm totally hit speechless), I simply ignore, aka silent treatment. That, my friend, is the greatest advantage of being simply, mf :)

*mf goes back to feeling cute*

*Blink blink*

I just realised something: I trimmed my hair last Sun but I don't recall anyone commenting on it yet.. Um, not fishing for compliments but there wasn't even a "you cut your hair ah?" I know it's still straight hair, but..


Anyway, woke up feeling cute today. Needed the bathroom but Mother was washing clothes so I asked her cutely when I could use it. Sounded especially cute cos MZ was barking that she needed to shower too. Haha, evil mf :p

Kel asked me what it meant to "feel cute". Well, I don't know! :p I just feel cute..

The black face of yesterday had been completely obliterated by feeling cute first thing in the morning! :)

But the cause of the black face is still around; stress surfaced a couple of times earlier in the day. But an hour of aerobics seemed to have worked wonders.. Even though the bathing scales jumped upwards by 0.2kg :p

PS: I used the word "cute" (and variants) seven times, including this :)

Friday, 13 May 2005

In the name of protecting mf

A light dose after yesterday's kpkb..

Was at Union last night. Dance floor was too crowded, random people were freaking snaking their way in and out of the place. So everyone was stepping on everyone else. I'm now nursing an abrasion and a bruise on my left ankle..

Then I collided back to back with this fattish guy. My heart and lungs etc were almost shaken out of my rib cage by the impact! Last that happened was when I was playing football in Univ Park some years back. Think I fell onto the grass after the knock, a bit dazed as my organs sorted themselves out..

Anyway, yes, in the name of protection.. Hup had to stop me a few times during mid-spins to prevent collisions. Result was that I labelled last night "hitting-mf's-boobs night"! *Put Kenshin's big-eyed "oro" face here*

"If I become any flatter, you'll pay!"
"Eh I never push you flat, it's like sideways so got push up effect somemore!"
".. If out of shape, you'll pay!"
*Laugh laugh laugh*

Ah, the folly of youth..

Thursday, 12 May 2005

I don't want to work!

I've decided that this is a bad week; I've been feeling restless and almost brain-dead from refining this paper, a ghost that refuses to be exorcised! So let me grumble, hear me whine..

Ever since 3 Nov 2003, I know very well that I'm not cut out for work..
1) brain doesn't work very well thinking about serious things, ie non-existent analytical skills;
2) mind gets distracted easily and heart is often restless, ie attention deficit;
3) I can't think on my feet, ie slow and lacking in content;
4) my presentation skills suck, ie non-existent communication skills;

Sometimes, as I listen to colleagues talk about serious* issues related to work or politics, I really wonder how these people could be so aware? And why is it that they have such strong views about certain things when I couldn't even begin to question the issues? I think I'm very sua ku, don't know many things, don't have my own views. Suddenly, I don't understand how I end up here!

* I should perhaps define this word. It means non-fluff, ie it's unlikely to be related to mf-ism in any way. Outside mf-ism, I'm pretty hopeless.

Guess I'm where I am now by a stroke of good fortune. Colleagues are fun people to hang out with and more importantly, job is interesting, with sufficient space for me to spread my wings. Sadly though, I don't have the strength to soar. Perhaps I lack the confidence. More likely I'm just plain stupid, which explains the diffidence.

And on that, I seriously (definition here is "truly") am NOT smart, a term forced on me somehow. YX and Tok et al, you're right, I was a chao mugger and mugging got me here. But here, mugging is no longer needed. True ability plus common sense now count far more than mugging ever does or will..

Suddenly remember a question that caught me by surprise in one of those online quizes: do you tend to choose tasks which you know you are capable of, as opposed to the more challenging tasks/ do you feel more comfortable doing something that's well within your ability? My answer was - is - yes; I'll prefer to do things that I know I can do rather than to take on a challenge and fail spectacularly, even though there's an equal chance to shine even more spectacularly. It's the fear of failure, and by extension, the fear of rejection/looking stupid etc that's putting me off a lot of things, work and others. This sucks..

Coming back on track, since I don't feel I'm making any significant contribution to my company, my job is still that - a job. Do I even want a career? Perhaps I do, I'm not particularly ambitious. I guess I don't crave the usual kind of career and success that people seek.

Then do I see some sort of a career for myself one day, the ever elusive dream job?

I've got this performing streak in me that I can't shrug off. But I'll not kid myself that I can make singing/dancing a career, limited ability again. Rather, I would want very much to be - you might have guessed - a housewife with four kids! Serious (meaning I mean it), I want to be like that, cleaning and cooking and taking care of my loved ones! Then SY will reiterate her mother's words: study so much and yet want to be housewife?! :p Why not when I feel comfortable doing so? Besides, I'll like to do some part-time job to oil my mind, eg translation or some online ventures that will allow me to work from home. Ah, ideal..

But I can't leave my job, nor am I in the mindset to stay at home yet! For now, I'll have to recharge myself and aim to be as competent as I possibly could be in current job. Must 对得起自己! As for you, my friends, go! Find me a husband! :p

PS: Took a
colour quiz, results below, thought relevant to grumbles:

Your Existing Situation
Sensuous. Inclined to luxuriate in things which give gratification to the senses, but rejects anything tasteless, vulgar, or coarse.

Your Stress Sources
Resilience and tenacity have become weakened. (mf: sighs) Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment.

Your Desired Objective
Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field. (mf: oops)

Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. (mf: eh, I just confessed my inadequacies!) She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. (mf: is it like me asking if I'm pretty etc?) Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. (mf: like "can't think at work cos focused too much on Jap radio during morning bus trip"?? Box me la!) Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires. (mf: the OCD half..)

Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities. (mf: blogging not counted..?)

Monday, 9 May 2005

The Tragedy of the Frog

Hi babe!

Oh dear, I'm losing my balance trying to get a closer look at you..

Oh no oh no..!


Source: mf

Frog's name is Prince. But no, I haven't kissed him; don't intend to do so - yet :)

Saturday, 7 May 2005

Kingdom of heaven?

Watched Kingdom of Heaven last night. No it was not for Orlando Bloom but I can't deny he was bearable in this show. In fact, he looked good unshaven and with long-ish hair and an extra 20pounds :p Don't return to the elf look pls..

Spoilers ahead..

Sibylla brought a candle to Balian's room and said, ".. I'm here, because in the east, they say that what stands between two persons, is only light.." And she blew out the candle immediately. Enough said.

But later she redeemed herself with this line which stuck on me: one day you'll regret doing a small evil in exchange for a greater good. Oooh..

Before I continue, I'm wondering if I should put in a disclaimer to indemnify myself in light of the recent spate of bloggers being chastised for what they wrote. But heck, I'm a nobody and superficial to say the least! :p

A series of questions whose answers I do not know; I can only ask more questions.

Q1: What on earth is religion? A true belief in a greater being? Or something that some people fabricated to explain the unknown, eg what can happen when people die, because otherwise, their lives seem so meaningless, born to die? Or something that some people use as a convenient source of 寄托 (roughly translated as spiritual placement..?), ie they feel better if they believe a greater existence is watching over them?

Q2: So let's just accept there is this thing called religion. Why do people fight for their own religion? Is it under threat? Or perhaps they are not fighting for their religion but against other religions? Why so? Is one religion more superior than another?

Q3: Who has the right to claim a land as the land of their religion/god? How do they even know who and what it belongs to and why? Could it be like the scene in the show where a native (supposedly) claimed that the horse was his and Balian would have to fight him to get it? I thought the horse belonged to neither; Balian only found it among the wreck while the Arab's reason was that the horse was walking on his land.

Q4: I'm not religious so perhaps I'm not one to argue if god exists but if there is a god, why doesn't he/she put a stop to all the blood shed for religion purposes, from antiquity to today? At a battle scene in the show, I was wondering how the human race survived to today with centuries of fighting and killing over territories and religions and whatnot.

Sometimes I really wonder what keeps the faith in the hearts of religious people. I myself find no faith in something I can neither see nor hear. But that's me and I think I'll risk repeating an earlier entry if I continue on this never-ending quest for an answer..

Brain is fried. Stop.

Row, row, row a boat

Some time in 1997, I picked up a paddle for the first time. It was for a canoe during my JC's annual canoeing carnival. And it was a disaster as I gave up the cute senior for a classmate as a partner.

Then it was 2000. I practised capsize drills in the pool, paddled around Ubin, and finally around SG in a four day kayaking expedition in OBS. The experience erased the horrible incident of the canoe; I'm no longer adverse to canoeing/kayaking.

Back to the same day in 1997. The dragon boat team was short of girls. Hence, I raced across the river once more with a different paddle in a different boat, an unwilling participant.

Fast forward to 2005. Yesterday, to be exact. I took to the paddle once more at the same place.

Eight years ago, I didn't think I would ever do dragon boating again. But there I was, getting wet with 40 other people and a paddle in my hands. When a boat with paddlers in blue passed us by, and a few boats with paddlers in red were racing in front of us, I was suddenly reminded of the significance, however small, of this event.

The first time, I was wearing Science B Tshirt and PE shorts in our national red, down at Kallang by obligation, with barely an interest in rowing sports. Two years later, I supported the Blues - btw, they won this year's
race :) And two years after I left Oxford, I signed myself up - voluntarily, and quite excitedly if I may add - for this healthy lifestyle event. I realised that the term rowing no longer just referred to the nursery rhyme; it reminds me of Oxford.

I don't know if it's unfortunate that I live in my memories, as in, I seem to like to relate current events to memorable events in the past, especially the period 1997-2003, my fav school years. Sometimes I fear being trapped in those times. In particular, when I first came back for good, I wasn't feeling very good. It was like someone dear died, like I lost something. I was feeling very unhappy and uncontented with my life which was beginning to fall into some boring routine of looking forward to the weekends with each repeating weekday. I decided I had to do something, so I joined a gym and subsequently I took up salsa.

Now, I think things are falling into some sort of routine again but I guess it wouldn't be right to say it's boring. I realise the importance of finding an interest I can sustain, despite burning multiple holes in my pocket for all the dance and gym packages. At least it beats burning plastic in the malls :)

Friday, 6 May 2005

It's raining =(

.. and I'm scared =(

Just came back from a post-lunch loo trip. Toilet was windy and I could feel rain spray. Don't like.

I can see the world outside work from my 15th floor location. It's greyish white and the twin towers in the distance are blurred. Well, at least they are not completely obscured as they can be sometimes. But that's not much of a consolation. Don't like.

Worse, my mind turns as foggy as outside, how to concentrate on work?! Don't like.

Last straw, Wunderground says it's thunderstormy all the way to next Wed. Don't like!

Honestly, dislike is just a lame front for fear. I do like rain; I think it's poetic. But unless I'm asleep, or comfortably curled up with a book/my laptop, or in some cranky mood (I'm obviously not cranky now), rainy days are almost my equivalent of
grabbed-by-dead-woman's-hand-when-waist-deep-in-well days. Some emotional security issues? But then some people are anatidaephobic, so..

Then of course there's the inconvenience of rain (unless you wish to use it as an excuse - sometimes legitimate - to avoid appointments). We're supposed to have our healthy lifestyle event this afternoon - dragon boating! Heard that Kallang side is not rainy, hope it stays that way 3-6pm..


After more than a decade, we saw Mrs Seeh again on Tues, thanks to CY, Des and JK who arranged the dinner :)

She's still very much the same despite age now showing, just like we are still (almost) every bit the jumping monkeys of TGPS 6A even after 13 years :p Don't play play ok, she won the Battle of the Bill against heavyweights Des and JK!

Mini reunion of 6A with petite Mrs Seeh

Source: CY

I think she's very steady, can still remember so many of us - face and name. Very nice as we updated her on ourselves, recalled the memorable bits of our time, talked about classmates, the school, other teachers and their whereabouts.

Des: 老师, do you still give remedial classes on Thurs?
mf: Kao! You still remember we had them?!
Des: Ya, Thurs Chinese, Tues English ma..
mf: .. *Stunned speechless*

We saw her off as Mr Seeh ferried her away. Then seven of us pitted our Daytona skills against one another. Didn't win any of the 3-5 games but it was a lot of fun! Haven't cursed that much for a long time too, heh!

Very grateful that I'm still in contact with this bunch of people. Perhaps ours was a very neighbourhood neighbourhood school with students mostly staying within walking distance of it. And if people move, they seem to move to the same few estates - besides CY who moved twice and is still around the school! - and it's easy to meet up for dinner/supper.

We had a chalet last Sep and it was great fun hanging out with them, with all the silly banter and stupid jokes during the 3-6am KTV session, oops-we-missed-the-sunrise sunrise watch, frisbee/football and BBQ. Oh, and I must not forget to mention the countless brushes with death - ok, not that serious la - as our super "safe" driver kindly ferried us everywhere :)

Already looking forward to another major gathering this year! And more immediate, lunch; mf is hungry..

Wednesday, 4 May 2005

Check your answers

Yep, as promised:

1.68 - height in m
80 - year of birth
5* - weight in kg, don't bother asking me what * is!
10-12 - top/trousers/dress size (UK)
6.5-7 - shoe size (UK)
25 - age this year
39-40 - shoe size but European :p
1.73-1.77 - estimated height in a variety of heels, kitten to killer!
40-50 - my hair length in cm, heh!
8-1 - DOB
421 - block number
3/9 - I can't decide which number I prefer more.. 3 is
prime, 9 is 3-squared, oooh...

Highest score is eight, I think.. The hair and fave numbers were the killer questions; no one got them right :p

I'm so NOT treating Hup lor, esp if you actually knew (sure or not..) what * is?! Not to mention you didn't guess the rest..

Zain, nice one with my block number! I didn't even realise it's a prime AND also the sum of five consecutive primes, oooh*2!

One who knows me well and another who doesn't guessed 39-40 as hip size and bust line respectively.. Um, I don't have a measuring tape but one is (ahem, much) more accurate than the other lor.. Sheesh!

Oh, Kel was mean; he said 80 could only be my weight, 10-12 my mentality and 39-40 my waise size! =( I am right to be mean to him *evil*

Monday, 2 May 2005

Can guys wear panty liners??

This question came to mind a few hours ago when I was at Watson's with SY and Kel.

Snippets at the feminine care section..

Kel: So which ones can fly? Heh heh..
SY, mf: ...
SY: This new cover looks nicer..
Kel, ever the inquisitive one: Why are these smaller?
SY: For everyday use la! ... Actually, guys can use too right?
Kel: ...
mf: Um, can meh? Different anatomy..
SY: Maybe stick a bit higher..?
Kel (to mf): I don't want to see my name when you blog this!

Why not? Not like you said/did anything wrong.. Anyway, as you see, wish not granted (for scolding me KNS amid others this morning)!

On a related note, earlier I went to the Istana open house with TCH, QX and Ad. At the security checkpoint, the officers opened THE compartment in my bag. IS THERE A NEED TO CHECK EVERY LITTLE COMPARTMENT?!

Was just talking to Sito-san who wished to see his name here again. Wish granted since poor guy seriously hurt his leg during his last day of practicum.. Get well soon! Was asking if he would be keen to train at least four times a week for ballroom competition. If he can't, I'll have to find another partner, and pronto! It's a lot of time and commitment but I feel so alive when dancing, especially quickstep :)

And salsa, I deflowered my pink Blochs on Thurs :) - by dancing horribly! :( The 3-4 weeks' break was not to blame, I realised, cos ballroom was quite ok; more like I wasn't used to flat shoes after dancing in 3-inch heels for so long. And Fri I went to this exotic cardio trial class. Felt very hip hop; the difference was in the more exciting body movements. Have decided that I'll concentrate on ballroom for now; salsa will remain social and kiv hip hop/exotic.

Ok, one more episode of Kenshin before bedtime and concluding this long weekend..

Oh, I'm revealing answers to the number game tomorrow/Wed :)

Update 04 May 05
Guess what? Friend with links in related industry informed me that guys can wear panty liners! The manufacturers "just weren't sure how effective it would be for guys".. So perhaps some time within the next hundred years, we could expect the sanitary equivalent of Biore/Clinique men's range?
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