I've decided that this is a bad week; I've been feeling restless and almost brain-dead from refining this paper, a ghost that refuses to be exorcised! So let me grumble, hear me whine..
Ever since 3 Nov 2003, I know very well that I'm not cut out for work..
1) brain doesn't work very well thinking about serious things, ie non-existent analytical skills;
2) mind gets distracted easily and heart is often restless, ie attention deficit;
3) I can't think on my feet, ie slow and lacking in content;
4) my presentation skills suck, ie non-existent communication skills;
Sometimes, as I listen to colleagues talk about serious* issues related to work or politics, I really wonder how these people could be so aware? And why is it that they have such strong views about certain things when I couldn't even begin to question the issues? I think I'm very sua ku, don't know many things, don't have my own views. Suddenly, I don't understand how I end up here!
* I should perhaps define this word. It means non-fluff, ie it's unlikely to be related to mf-ism in any way. Outside mf-ism, I'm pretty hopeless.
Guess I'm where I am now by a stroke of good fortune. Colleagues are fun people to hang out with and more importantly, job is interesting, with sufficient space for me to spread my wings. Sadly though, I don't have the strength to soar. Perhaps I lack the confidence. More likely I'm just plain stupid, which explains the diffidence.
And on that, I seriously (definition here is "truly") am NOT smart, a term forced on me somehow. YX and Tok et al, you're right, I was a chao mugger and mugging got me here. But here, mugging is no longer needed. True ability plus common sense now count far more than mugging ever does or will..
Suddenly remember a question that caught me by surprise in one of those online quizes: do you tend to choose tasks which you know you are capable of, as opposed to the more challenging tasks/ do you feel more comfortable doing something that's well within your ability? My answer was - is - yes; I'll prefer to do things that I know I can do rather than to take on a challenge and fail spectacularly, even though there's an equal chance to shine even more spectacularly. It's the fear of failure, and by extension, the fear of rejection/looking stupid etc that's putting me off a lot of things, work and others. This sucks..
Coming back on track, since I don't feel I'm making any significant contribution to my company, my job is still that - a job. Do I even want a career? Perhaps I do, I'm not particularly ambitious. I guess I don't crave the usual kind of career and success that people seek.
Then do I see some sort of a career for myself one day, the ever elusive dream job?
I've got this performing streak in me that I can't shrug off. But I'll not kid myself that I can make singing/dancing a career, limited ability again. Rather, I would want very much to be - you might have guessed - a housewife with four kids! Serious (meaning I mean it), I want to be like that, cleaning and cooking and taking care of my loved ones! Then SY will reiterate her mother's words: study so much and yet want to be housewife?! :p Why not when I feel comfortable doing so? Besides, I'll like to do some part-time job to oil my mind, eg translation or some online ventures that will allow me to work from home. Ah, ideal..
But I can't leave my job, nor am I in the mindset to stay at home yet! For now, I'll have to recharge myself and aim to be as competent as I possibly could be in current job. Must 对得起自己! As for you, my friends, go! Find me a husband! :p
PS: Took a colour quiz, results below, thought relevant to grumbles:
Your Existing Situation
Sensuous. Inclined to luxuriate in things which give gratification to the senses, but rejects anything tasteless, vulgar, or coarse.
Your Stress Sources
Resilience and tenacity have become weakened. (mf: sighs) Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment.
Your Desired Objective
Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field. (mf: oops)
Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. (mf: eh, I just confessed my inadequacies!) She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. (mf: is it like me asking if I'm pretty etc?) Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. (mf: like "can't think at work cos focused too much on Jap radio during morning bus trip"?? Box me la!) Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires. (mf: the OCD half..)
Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities. (mf: blogging not counted..?)