Monday, 8 February 2010

I'm bound

By education: I feel that I'm expected to be, not just gainfully employed, but VERY gainfully employed. But I really really hate my working life! Yet, there is so much flux now that I don't feel "safe" changing jobs. The scary thing is, when the time comes, I'm not sure if I dare take the plunge into the unknown.

By obligation: Cos I need to feed Mother. No other way about it.

By mortgage: This isn't too bad. But it helps to have both our income.

By fear of the unknown: I guess this is the worst of all. I don't know what lies in the future. Financial stability and security are important to guard against many of these unknowns. Such considerations only lead to one thing - status quo.

Maybe that's why I'm always so angry in the office. Worse still, angry and cannot show! Life was better when I was still a pond scum. Now, I'm trapped in my room. I have to take care of not just my bosses but also those who report to me. And that's the toughest.

Recall that LH told me that once I reached a certain level, I had to learn to keep emotions in check. I have to agree - I mean, I have seen and heard of fiery bosses. They don't give stability to their officers. I think I want to be able to do at least that, on top of keep my work up to some standard.

But all these come at a price.

I'm angry cos I have little time for much things outside of work. (Put this post together over a period of time!) And I'm really starting to believe what people say about not having time to have babies.. After marking those critical days on my calendar, I was too busy and tired that week that I came home, worked, and went to bed - instant slumber! How to have babies?!

And when I was out with friends - like that day when Sali was in town, and her last trip here was 10 years ago - my mind would somehow drift to work. Not so much as thinking about specific work but you know, thinking about work のこと..

And I don't like to feel angry all the time. All that negative energy only attracts more negative energy.


I feel trapped. Still thinking of a way to make myself happier and to avoid having work affect my mood outside of office. Must have good mental and emotional health!


  1. Usually I feel that if something feels so wrong and only generates nothing but negativity, ditch it immediately. The easiest way to judge is this. Imagine, in the next minute, you tender. Do you feel relieved and happy more than worried and scared? Act accordingly. Granted the market is bad, I still don't think that will stay unemployed for long. Sure, you will have to eat out of your savings for a while, might have to take a pay cut, hubby will have a harder time, you have to snack less... concessions have to be made, but it isn't impossible to deal with. Lots of people survive with a lot less. The real issue is most probably something else. Think about it bah. Na

    PS: This seems to be one of the only ways we communicate haha...

  2. I think we think too much and factor in too many things into our decision making process. Regardless of what decisions we make, there bound to be uncertainty. Nothing can be certain. If something is really affecting you badly in all aspects of your life, you need to make a decision to put an end to it, rather than to sink in your sorrows. It upsets you and the people around you. That is what I have been telling JM. Get out if you don't enjoy what you are doing, and if you are sticking to it, you need to identify what upsets you in the job, and eliminate them or do things to minimize them.

    Nothing is perfect in this world. It is a matter of finding a balancing point. If you have a dream, go pursue it.


  3. pong,lets fully enjoy ourselves this sat!!
    Actually i can understand how you feel....

    I hate to be very tired because of work...esp the long hours.....


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