By education: I feel that I'm expected to be, not just gainfully employed, but VERY gainfully employed. But I really really hate my working life! Yet, there is so much flux now that I don't feel "safe" changing jobs. The scary thing is, when the time comes, I'm not sure if I dare take the plunge into the unknown.
By obligation: Cos I need to feed Mother. No other way about it.
By mortgage: This isn't too bad. But it helps to have both our income.
By fear of the unknown: I guess this is the worst of all. I don't know what lies in the future. Financial stability and security are important to guard against many of these unknowns. Such considerations only lead to one thing - status quo.
Maybe that's why I'm always so angry in the office. Worse still, angry and cannot show! Life was better when I was still a pond scum. Now, I'm trapped in my room. I have to take care of not just my bosses but also those who report to me. And that's the toughest.
Recall that LH told me that once I reached a certain level, I had to learn to keep emotions in check. I have to agree - I mean, I have seen and heard of fiery bosses. They don't give stability to their officers. I think I want to be able to do at least that, on top of keep my work up to some standard.
But all these come at a price.
I'm angry cos I have little time for much things outside of work. (Put this post together over a period of time!) And I'm really starting to believe what people say about not having time to have babies.. After marking those critical days on my calendar, I was too busy and tired that week that I came home, worked, and went to bed - instant slumber! How to have babies?!
And when I was out with friends - like that day when Sali was in town, and her last trip here was 10 years ago - my mind would somehow drift to work. Not so much as thinking about specific work but you know, thinking about work のこと..
And I don't like to feel angry all the time. All that negative energy only attracts more negative energy.
I feel trapped. Still thinking of a way to make myself happier and to avoid having work affect my mood outside of office. Must have good mental and emotional health!