Monday, 20 May 2013

Being angry with Sito

I wanted to post this the first time but I didn't manage to. Now that I have been angry with him a second time, I decided I must rant.

Some weeks ago, on a Sunday, ZK didn't sleep long enough and was cranky. I was halfway through keeping clothes from the dryer so things were all over the place. It was 11 am or so so I nudged Sito to wake up to help. He only acknowledged verbally but didn't move. After a few times, I was very pissed and packed ZK off to Mum's place before returning to finish up.

When he finally woke, he explained that he had a headache - he kept having headaches on only weekends, probably the result of MSG from instant noodles the night before but hey I didn't tell him to have that supper!

I was very pissed because it suddenly dawned on me that if I were to die suddenly, ZK wouldn't just lose his mother, he would also lose his father cos he would just leave him with Mum and go play with him when (headache-)free. Wtf.

Then more recently, on our second night in KL, I got super angry again. Some background - when I bathe ZK on my own at home, I would lay out his towel before I start bathing him so that I can carry the dripping boy straight from bath to bed; when Sito is around, he can hold the towel and wrap ZK up immediately after I take him out of the bath. The second method is preferred in a hotel cos of the aircon.

That evening, ZK took a dump at dinner so we had a poopy diaper before his bath. That was nasty, and Sito had prepared a plastic bag for it so that he could bring it out to throw to avoid stinking up the room. That was fine. Except that he had to do it right after removing it from ZK when ZK had to go straight to the bath, and that he took such a long time doing it that when ZK was done with his bath, there was still no sight of him. I was shouting for him as I couldn't leave ZK on his own in the bath tub and I was so afraid he would catch a cold cos of the aircon. Suffice to say I totally flew off the handle.

After we put ZK to bed, he explained that he went downstairs to throw the freaking diaper so that it didn't stink up our corridor. Downstairs?! Really?! And knowing that ZK was going into the bath, which wouldn't take long?! I scolded him for getting his priorities all wrong. I couldn't care less about the diaper. It could stink up the room. Heck, let's sleep with it! But I couldn't let ZK fall ill! He was such a poor thing when he was ill. And since Sito couldn't take leave here and there, it would fall on me to shoulder the responsibility.

I very gladly take care of ZK on my own most of the time when Sito is away. But when he is not working, I expect only full attention from him on ZK. Is it really that difficult to be a more involved parent?

I had a thought some time ago, before the first angry episode, that I had married my boyfriend, not a father to my child(ren), cos he's great boyfriend/husband material but not that amazing as a co-parent. And that is fully demonstrated in his reaction to my anger. Both times, he apologised with that expression of his - a mix of "oh no, I don't know what I've just/not done :(" and "oh no, what have I just/not done?!" - and guess what? I smiled/laughed despite my best effort to stay angry.

I have failed miserably to stay angry with him for a prolonged period of time. I can only hope that my scolding got through to him, and that when it comes to disciplining ZK, I would not be "cutified" and break into a smile which would only be a sure recipe for recidivism.

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