Ironies and contradictions

The ironies

My work is in improving marital outcome and child outcome for vulnerable families. But I found that I no longer do little things for Sito, and I snap at the children when their call for attention eat into my working time at night.

What does that spell for my marital outcome? What does that spell for my child outcome? I worry.

Luckily, Sito is pretty low maintenance. But still, I do want to do little things for him like I did when I was in my previous job. Gosh, I gave up all that work-life balance for job satisfaction and now I'm feeling strained.

The children are super high maintenance though. Every so often, I tried to be a better Mama, a happier Mama. But when it gets late and they are still not sleeping, which I worry is bad for them, and worse, they come out looking for me, I snap at them - go back to sleep or else, I count to three and the cane comes out... All that guilt.

I recall writing a speech back in 2016. I wrote something along the lines of how parents should be more involved with their children rather than relying on the digital nanny. I wrote that on a Sunday at home - maybe Mum they all were away - with Kai and Yang sitting on the sofa next to me, a phone in each of their laps. My eyes were rolling to the skies as I typed away...

And then:

The contradictions

These are more about general policies. Our system is not coherent.

1) Have more children (NPTD)
- We have three! (Though that has nothing to do with government policy.)

2) Children need to sleep (HPB)
- Our babies go to bed early, mostly by 8 pm for Yu and by 9 pm for Kai and Yang.

3) Encourage women to work (MOM and all that ECDA childcare subsidies)
- I work full-time!

4) Better work-life balance through flexible work arrangements (NPTD, MOM)
- I leave office at 5.30 pm every day to settle the kids so I bring fucking work home every Monday to Thursday and Saturday, else cannot finish. In fact, still cannot finish.

5) Family life is important (MSF)
- 2+3 = no time to play with them after work on work days + need helper else no dinner, no clean house
- I’m too tired to play properly with them for the rest of the weekend

Partially written on the train after the last post. Less tears. Just anger.