Taking the first step

So I tried applying for a job for the first time since 2015. I thought it was 2003 but I found a cover letter for my current job in my CV folder. I also found an incomplete resume, dated 2012.

I didn't get far coz it was late at night. So I decided to call the recruiter the next morning. No experience, many applicants, thanks and bye. Oh well, at least I didn't waste too much time on it!

But I'm prepared to leave.

Last Friday after the depressing train ride, I told Sito about my work-family situation. He gave me a simple response - 做得不开心就不要做了!

I did not expect this response and was pleasantly surprised.

Previously, I would think of the need to contribute to family finances and continue to burn this candle at both ends. Now, with my financial responsibility towards the family now absolved, I am able to look at my work-family situation again but from a different perspective.

I've come to realise that neither work nor family is getting enough of me. And critically, I'm not indispensable at work but I'm my kids' only mama.

Just this afternoon, Yu hurt himself accidentally and chose to go to N instead of me. Kai rubbed it in, saying that he didn't want me coz he didn't love me. Ouch.

And Kai has been difficult recently. There is a lot of punching that has since spread to his brothers. Yes, even Yu. And he also started resisting going to school on Saturday - he noticed that his classmates don't go on Saturdays. If I let him stay at home, Yang would not go as well and Yu would be the only kid there. But if I keep Yu at home, I won't get to work. It is a matter of time though, coz Kai would have no child care centre to go to from next year.

But I'm feeling very... 纠结.. I do like my work. I just don't care for the load. Seems drastic to just up and go. So I had an idea yesterday - to do part-time and get someone in to fill in the other part. Need to see how to get it realised. Also need to have a timeline in mind - if this doesn't work out, bye bye!