Thursday, 21 December 2006

I confess my deepest fear

You know what that is? To feel lonely in a party, to feel desserted when I'm with people I care about.

The first time was when I was 13 or 14. Everyone was having dinner, including little Ting whom Mother was taking care of at that time. No longer remember why but I wasn't at the table. I looked on from the side like an outsider; they looked happy without me.

Then I was 20 or 21, at one of those memorable yet forgettable gatherings at Gloucester Green, memorable cos they were (mostly) happy; forgettable cos that's just how it's like when you spend happy times with friends. But in one unforgettable evening, I found everyone talking in small groups and l couldn't fit in anywhere. Loneliness had suddenly hit when it hurt most.

26 now, and I was once again haunted by this terrible feeling. But being 26 (and going to 27), and I hope, with a bit more sense between my ears, I'm looking upon all these incidents, optimistically, as a lesson for me, a lesson that I should have learnt through other less significant incidents but that has never been more clearly etched in my mind than lately.

In the end, I must be the most dependable person to myself. To become that, I need to grow up, I need to be stronger. And - I've never done this before but I've also been too naive and taking things for granted - I need to harden myself a bit more so that I'm no longer easily affected by external factors or haunted by the ghosts of the past. I should also stop clowning myself; no point doing all the above only to have people not take me seriously or taking me for granted.

I look deep inside me for the strength to help me do that.

3 comments:

  1. What triggered this off? I hope it's not me... *pout* Na

    ReplyDelete
  2. Depend on yourself the most, but don't hesitate to reach out to your friends when you need to. Harden yourself, but don't create an impenetrable wall that no one can scale through. Act like an adult when you have to, but also kid around when you feel comfortable :)

    In short, just wanted to say do what you must, but feel free to reach out to a friend (e.g. me ;) to share the burden.

    Z

    ReplyDelete
  3. Happy Hols and I am sure that with time, comes a wee bit more wisdom. LOL!

    ReplyDelete

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