Sometimes I wonder at my insanity, trading a job with good work-life balance but which I don't believe in, with a job that is more fulfilling but is crazy demanding. I log on just about every weeknight (except Friday, our date night, and tonight coz log-in failed!) to do work after settling ZK in bed. I also catch up on work on Saturday mornings when I don't have anything else, which pretty much means mostly work.
I'm really tired sometimes. Whether it is because of the pregnancy or because of the workload, I can't tell. But it sure makes me feel like becoming a SAHM! This feeling became especially strong in the past few months...
Some time towards end of last year, I was very busy and outsourced settling ZY for bedtime to N so that I could push forward dinner and shower to before settling ZK (who was easy by then) so that I could start work right after ZK. Then I just kept being busy. Then morning sickness hit. And then I found that ZY no longer wanted me at bedtime :( He also wouldn't find me when he woke at night :( I can't help but feel sad :(
I've made peace with the fact that we would never have a daughter. And the other day, I was thinking, perhaps it was fate - years back, I thought that if I were to keep a pet, it would have to be a cat rather than a dog as the former wouldn't need as much attention from me. In the same vein, a boy is less clingy right? With my work like this, a daughter would be very poor thing, ya?
Oh well... I made a mental note to take care of monkey myself, like I did with ZK even after getting a helper when he was 15 months; I would have kept sending ZK to bed if not for morning sickness with ZY.
Lately, as this time bomb in my belly keeps ticking, I find myself looking forward more and more to maternity leave. I think I'm very used to having work at the back of my mind. When putting ZK to bed at night, I can't help thinking about doing it quickly so that I can get down to work so that I can rest. Feel so guilty about it.
During maternity leave, there is no work, which means I can be fully present when with the kids! Perhaps this is too naive coz I seem to have forgot about the newborn monkey demanding my attention... But well, thinking of another kid is better than thinking of work, right?
Of course maternity leave doesn't last forever. I really dread going back to work after that - imagine having to spend time pumping at work, washing pump parts, losing work time, which means I need to bring work home! But with a young baby, it is unlikely I'll have the time or energy to do work at night. Or I'll just end up very, very tired. The SAHM thought is creeping up even as I type this...
But I must be practical. It's not possible for me to be a SAHM. I have a morbid fear of depriving my kids due to lack of financial means, a remnant fear from my childhood, no doubt. (I deprive them of material goods on principles but that's a story for another day.) Loss of income aside, I think I'll go crazy with only child care day in, day out, even with a helper around, which means child care is still needed for at least half the time, which ties back to finances and my fear. Hopefully, with both of us working hard now, we can afford to take it a little easier later on... Perhaps I can even change jobs...?
Sito and I discussed this a while back - that we should take a kid out of Saturday child care once a month to bring him for some activities somewhere, just Papa, Mama and the kid, so that each will have his special time with us. We'll also get to spend more time with them, and learn more about them when they're on their own without their brothers.
Impact? Less time for me to catch up on work, less time for Sito to sleep in. But just thinking about it makes me happy :) And perhaps, ZY would want me at bedtime again?