Discontentment

When I was much younger, I used to think that I was quite smart just because I did well in school. There were classmates who were often scolded for not doing well. But was I happy?

My primary school was just across the overhead bridge which stretched from my lift landing right into the school itself. My secondary school was twenty minutes away on foot. There was nothing to do outside of school.

I didn't play with my friends after school, "must come home".

I didn't run about during recess time, "must not run else will get appendicitis".

I wasn't actively participating in any class activity, "must come home, must be good and study well, don't be nosy and go organise whatever".

Then, I heard someone, can't remember who now, didn't invite me to her birthday cele cos "she always cannot come out anyway". That hurt, I remember.

And if not for CY's mother, I would not have been able to go to Pasir Ris park with my class after PSLE. I enjoyed that very much. And I learnt how to ride a bike.

I grabbed my first opportunity to venture more than a couple of km away from AMK, minimum twenty minutes away by bus. And for the first time in my life, the school wasn't just for studying, it was also a place for fun, to make friends, great friends whom I'm still in touch with. I became a happier person :)

I'm still happy at this point but since a couple of years ago, I find that I get down more easily, and often due to two reasons: -

1) My brain became a wee brain. I no longer feel smart. In fact at times I feel downright stupid. And I hate that I could not articulate myself at the most crucial times. Was I thinking too fast to put my thoughts into words or was I not even thinking deeply enough? Sometimes I feel like I would not speak up. Maybe cos I know I cannot express myself clearly but I believe it can be due to years to "don't be nosy", "don't anyhow say things" - with connotations of "lest you offend people" or "don't be stupid" - "don't stand out". I still cannot bring myself out of the rut I grew up in. Have to try harder, much harder.

2) Besides the mental rut, I am stuck physically as well. How I wish I could move out, rent a place and stay on my own or with housemates! But no I can't, I would be disowned! My greatest hope for the NY is for the main upgrading to be voted through and for residents in my block to agree to a room extension. But from what I heard, chances are slim that I'll have my 6sqf personal space at all. This sucks. Big time. I have already been suffocating for almost 15 months from lack of breathing space and peace, in this house which is not even mine but from which I am simply not allowed to move out. Maybe I should tell myself to go zhuang..?

From appearance, I seem to have many things, interesting job, active social life. But inside, I feel empty because I'm aware of my shortcomings and that when I return at night, I am just returning to a house, which, I must reiterate, I don't call my own, and which is not a true home to me either, has not been since 15 years ago.

If you says I am a rather repressed girl, you're probably right. Haven't found myself yet. Or rather, I'm not comfortable with being myself yet. Or maybe it's the other way round..? Not sure..

I like to go to my grandmother's place. I feel at home there. Gives me a sense of peace too. I'm just some three doors away from her at this moment, now just borrowing cousin's comp for work and leisure. Shall go to my peace shelter now. See my grandmother here, cute right? I hope to be like her when I'm 80 :)