The other day, I suddenly recalled an essay I submitted to NJ's Chinese publication Dawn. It started with me rummaging through boxes of stuff, not knowing what I was looking for until I found it. (Essay can be found in my other blog.)
Isn't that the case with life? That it's a long search. You don't know the object in concern until you see it; you don't even know if it exists until you see it. Sometimes, you find it; other times, it finds you. If it exists. If luck would have it. If.
You know when people say they're lost? I've said that about myself before, and my solution then was "to find myself". Am I the object of my search? The real mf? Then I ask: what if I finally "find myself" and realise that the mf who is now typing furiously and spoiling her manicure is not the real thing? What if the real mf is a dark, unsmiling girl with a tendency to abuse little kittens?
And then, so what if I find myself? Specifically, what happens after that? I guess another search will commence in no time. For the next object. Why? Because I believe that we being human need fulfilment in life, fulfilment obtained by attaining some kind of goal; the first object has been found, ie a goal reached, so we have to go for the next.
I'm reminded of a debate in year 1 GP class - my class was full of chim heads and one fluff chick that was me - on whether there was a point in life. Lots of people argued that there was no point in life - at all! I didn't join in either side cos I wasn't the kind to speak up - still am not, usually - but I kept thinking, hey there must be a meaning to life!
Why are we born? To aid in the natural life cycle of this tiny portion of the universe, ie to kill the earth with our CFCs etc, so that when everyone's dead, the earth may be reborn again and maybe another life form will thrive? I don't think so. I don't want to think of myself as just an insignificant oxygen-consuming, carbon-generating creature; I want to mean something to at least some people. And thanks to those who acknowledge me, I believe and I know I already am. That in itself is a fulfilment to me that I know will always be with me. Perhaps that's why I'm concurrently in search of other fulfilment now..?
Two concrete items come to mind:
1) My calling in life. Do I want to make my current job my career? I mean, I enjoy it but do I want to do it forever? In fact, do I even want such a career in the first place? My ideal career is a full-time wife and mum. That's not possible as yet so I should really think about what I want to do for the long term. I give myself the next two years to think of something.
2) A man - yes, that's right, and read that again - not boy ok, I'm no cradle snatcher! But I think this is even more difficult than the first one.. Maybe more about this in another entry.. (yes, back-blog too)
But I suspect I'm in search of something more abstract. Perhaps for the part of me that has never really existed, or that has been forgotten. Or maybe it's something that'll put my world into perspective, something that'll make me appreciate myself, my life and the people around me more - I must admit I feel I've never consciously tried enough for people who care about me.
An unhealthy thought just entered my mind.. I'm leading what I think is a very full life now, with my work and my dancing and my good old friends. What if there's nothing else to look forward to anymore? Scary..
Ok I'm starting to lose myself in my words. Nvm if it sounds senseless, I just need to spit it out. Lately, I found it a chore to even smile. Yes! mf! Not smiling! Just doesn't gel, right? I worry I'm burning myself out. And the past few decent conversations I've had with friends also put things into my head, things which refuse to go away.
I need to do some self-reflection. Perhaps this is a start.
Interesting...indeed.
ReplyDeleteMore reflection is encouraged ;)
Its easy to get stuck in a loop....like the movie groundhog day...there is so much more to life, then three activities.....open your eyes, mind, heart...stop for a moment and take a look around you....what you see today, smell, taste, hear...might not be around tomorrow....ex...me :)
Hahaha tick tok tick tok tick tok
From you know who....
Maybe you shld go out of your way to learn something outside your comfort zone. I think human beings grow by being in challenging situations and by being in stimulating new environments. Try wakeboarding, for instance. You'll find that it calls for poise, very much like ballroom dancing. But now u're threading this delicate art of balance and footing on water, instead of doing it on the dance floor.
ReplyDelete-gabriel
You know, all of us ask that question sometime in our lives - why are we here? What am I supposed to be doing?
ReplyDeleteWhen I was young, I realised that we come in, then we go out of this world, so our purpose in life has to be to make this world a better place between coming in and going out - leave a net positive gain. Then I wondered, how do I do that? I thought about science and progress, but finally settled on people - doing things to increase the overall happiness level of the planet.
But then, that thought was a little hollow to me too. Well, this may turn you off, but now I firmly believe that we're here to glorify God and enjoy His creation. I mean, look at the world around you and the sky and the stars - aren't they beautiful? Has anything ever approached the beauty of a sunset? Sunrises always make me go "wow". I can't help but praise God when I see the glory of His works.. yah? Once I came to that understanding, there was a whole new world of complexity and purpose which unfolded before me. Ok ok I won't say more cos you'd probably not agree with what I just wrote.. but the upshot is, since knowing God, I no longer ask those questions that you wrote in your blog, because I know my place and my role in this world :)