Guilt

Some time in the afternoon, I remembered that I was very mean to ZK in the early hours of the day and felt very bad :(

Last night, he woke just 2 am and refused to sleep until past 4 am, during which he snuggled up to me all the time - head on my thigh and belly if I was sitting, and butt in my face if I was lying down. I couldn't sleep at all and I wasn't pleased. So I kept pushing him away and told him in a harsh tone to go and sleep.

When he eventually dozed off, I was afraid he would wake when Sito woke at 5 am so I stayed next to him so that if he woke, he would see me and go back to sleep peacefully. Well, he didn't wake until 5.45 am, phew!

He swiftly went back to sleep and I tiptoed out of the room to finally lie in my own bed! But not for long - he woke again just past 6 am. He tried to come out of the room but slammed the door shut instead. I was so tired I continued lying in bed for a while before I could bring myself to go get him.

By the time I got to his door, he was inconsolable and threw a tantrum, calling for me and milk but refusing both. I ignored him - as I usually do when he throws tantrums - and went back to my bed with him kicking around on the floor on Sito's side. It's a safe spot to kick around.

Eventually he stood up and called for me but when I responded, he cried loudly so I decided to keep ignoring him. Told Y to ignore him too. Finally, he got up and stepped outside to look for milk, still crying. Somehow, I brought him to lie on my bed to drink his milk. The poor boy sobbed while drinking as I caught another fiver.

Then he got better and allowed us to change his diaper and clothes. But he refused to go into the stroller and started crying again. Luckily, it was for that minute only. He was fine when he left the house - I had loads to do so I decided to not send him to school today and prepare for work instead. In any case, I was very tired and pissed with him for not sleeping. He looked a little confused as I waved bye bye to him from the door :(

Sighs, I was so mean to the poor little boy. He's only a baby. Babies don't sleep well. Babies don't mean to give parents sleepless nights.

On the way home today, I read a line on some website that reads something like, all kids eventually learn to reason - just be patient.

Yes, I need to be more patient.

I was glad I made it a point to leave office on the dot today. Managed to get home and shower before ZK return so that I was able to feed him, change him, have my dinner while he had milk, and put him in bed instead of letting Y do it.

I purpose sat further away from the bed in an attempt to coax him to bed while I sang from a distance away. But he refused to have that and came over to hug me so tight! The amazing feel of little hands around me :) Eventually I went to sit by his bed instead and he was fine with that and did not snuggle up to me. Soon, he fell asleep.

Still asleep. I think I'd better get some rest before he stirs - Y has the baby monitor on week nights but I would still wake at his cries.