Friday, 31 December 2004

mf was mean =/

Ok, I must confess that that I was mean last night when I asked Hup to go salsa next Wednesday after ballroom class right in front of Kewei without asking him =/

So, mf apologises.. Ii ne?

I think I'm generally a meanie. As Kewei puts it, I'm bo sim.. How? LL la! =(

BUT, I must not be too mean to myself so, actually I'm generally not too bad* :) Just that I'm not too thoughtful.. I guess I'm what you will term an average girl, can be good, can be bad?? Sheesh, I think I need a bigger RAM. Or HDD. For my wee brain :p

* I've originally said "I'm generally nice" but I decide that the word "nice" is just not easy to live up to, and I'm not even sure if it's worth living up to in the first place! So, "not too bad" will do for me :)

And I realise I must add on to my reflection yesterday. There are more than bouquets to be given.. I may have forgotten your birthday, I may have forgotten what secrets you told me three years ago, or I may not have tried my best to stay in contact. On this last day of the year, to those whom I have been mean to in any way, inadvertently or not, I sincerely say: sorry!

So, there! We have a brand new year ahead, it's time to live life to the fullest, as always! :)

Thursday, 30 December 2004

Second last day of 2004

Very fast, it's already 30 Dec, gonna be 2005 in less than two days. And my workstation is getting messier; it was neater about a year ago when I first came in. I shall attempt to clean up tomorrow if there's time in between division get-together and PS's farewell and all the work that needs to be done.

Didn't seem to have done anything of particular significance in the past 364.875 days. I'm insignificant in this universe, on this planet, in this country, in this organisation. So are you :p But my hope is that I have been a source of hope, inspiration and joy to at least a few friends, even passers-by, in my life, because I have benefitted emotionally from these people around me :)

Gosh, I'm sounding so world peace.. STOP!

But what I'm trying to say is that, at the end of this year, there are people I would like to thank. Seriously. I may not have the chance, or I may even forget (!), or I just can't say it out personally, but you know who you are, I truly appreciate you guys and girls for being there not just for me but also with me :)

There I go again! Argh..

Ten minutes of reflection up! I'm leaving office now.. May everyone have a great start to a wonderful NY2005! :)

*Muack*

Wednesday, 29 December 2004

mf finished nua-ing, tomorrow must work..

Something came to mind while I was in the shower just now: sometimes I do stupid things for the sake of stupidity - they are stupid things meant to be done stupidly; sometimes I do stupid things cos I am just stupid. Period.

:p

Anyway, random thoughts aside, I'm back! One and only friendly Malaysian customs guy I met so far smiled and said, "You came from Malacca, not Penang hur?" Not that funny considering the severity of the disaster, but not one to disappoint, I smiled anyway *shrug*

Nothing particularly interesting came up in the trip; maybe we didn't explore much but the interesting bits in Malacca were just bits, really..

It was very weird on the first day; none of the shops seemed to be open! We were just walking aimlessly along closed shops until we reached a plankwalk that ran along the river. It was such an incongruent sight: the plankwalk was so new, complete with a nice pavillion with benches and a rubbish bin, whereas the surrounding areas along the river were mud and zinc-roofed houses with visble litter. That aside, it was great just sitting with Susan in the breezy pavillion, sharing thoughts as the sun went down :)

We spent the morning of the second day walking through a stretch of road with all kinds of quaint little - and some big - items. I had to take back what I told Susan the day before, that I wasn't interested in looking at antiques. I wouldn't buy cos I might be freaked out when I wake at night to see some tribal face staring down at me from the mantel. But they are really nice to look at, in a shop. Or in books.

There was this Malaqa House that we sort of roamed into. Everything in it looked a hundred years old or more! We took the queaky steps to the first floor - oh yes, they have ground floor then first :) - and look down through old windows into the little garden below. There was a kind of peace I felt there that I just couldn't describe. The arrangement, the smell, the silence. Ahhh, nice.. You must go see my picts - when I've uploaded them.

After having over-rated chicken rice balls for lunch, we shopped the afternoon away. I shall no longer think of how much money I spent, but I no longer need to shop for lingerie for at least a year haha!

Besides some sightseeing and shopping, all we did were to nua in the hotel, chatting tian nan di bei, watching NHK news and drama, beautifying ourselves. Just, relaaaax :) The weather was disappointing! It did not stay bright and sunny! We had wanted to go suntanning by the pool this morning but it rained =( And that was the first time I stayed in a hotel with a pool ok.. Alternative was, however, totally befitting of a nua trip: we ended up with more NHK and more tian nan di bei, heh..

Oh on the way back to Singapore, we got off the bus and walked to the causeway. We believed that even by the time our mobiles registered SingTel and M1, our run-down bus must be still stuck on the wrong side of the causeway!

Before I turn in, Hup was *almost* mean to me just now, so I want to annouce, then hopefully he won't be mean again haha! ^_^ Ok mf is delirious, SLEEP..

Sunday, 26 December 2004

Discontentment

When I was much younger, I used to think that I was quite smart just because I did well in school. There were classmates who were often scolded for not doing well. But was I happy?

My primary school was just across the overhead bridge which stretched from my lift landing right into the school itself. My secondary school was twenty minutes away on foot. There was nothing to do outside of school.

I didn't play with my friends after school, "must come home".

I didn't run about during recess time, "must not run else will get appendicitis".

I wasn't actively participating in any class activity, "must come home, must be good and study well, don't be nosy and go organise whatever".

Then, I heard someone, can't remember who now, didn't invite me to her birthday cele cos "she always cannot come out anyway". That hurt, I remember.

And if not for CY's mother, I would not have been able to go to Pasir Ris park with my class after PSLE. I enjoyed that very much. And I learnt how to ride a bike.

I grabbed my first opportunity to venture more than a couple of km away from AMK, minimum twenty minutes away by bus. And for the first time in my life, the school wasn't just for studying, it was also a place for fun, to make friends, great friends whom I'm still in touch with. I became a happier person :)

I'm still happy at this point but since a couple of years ago, I find that I get down more easily, and often due to two reasons: -

1) My brain became a wee brain. I no longer feel smart. In fact at times I feel downright stupid. And I hate that I could not articulate myself at the most crucial times. Was I thinking too fast to put my thoughts into words or was I not even thinking deeply enough? Sometimes I feel like I would not speak up. Maybe cos I know I cannot express myself clearly but I believe it can be due to years to "don't be nosy", "don't anyhow say things" - with connotations of "lest you offend people" or "don't be stupid" - "don't stand out". I still cannot bring myself out of the rut I grew up in. Have to try harder, much harder.

2) Besides the mental rut, I am stuck physically as well. How I wish I could move out, rent a place and stay on my own or with housemates! But no I can't, I would be disowned! My greatest hope for the NY is for the main upgrading to be voted through and for residents in my block to agree to a room extension. But from what I heard, chances are slim that I'll have my 6sqf personal space at all. This sucks. Big time. I have already been suffocating for almost 15 months from lack of breathing space and peace, in this house which is not even mine but from which I am simply not allowed to move out. Maybe I should tell myself to go zhuang..?

From appearance, I seem to have many things, interesting job, active social life. But inside, I feel empty because I'm aware of my shortcomings and that when I return at night, I am just returning to a house, which, I must reiterate, I don't call my own, and which is not a true home to me either, has not been since 15 years ago.

If you says I am a rather repressed girl, you're probably right. Haven't found myself yet. Or rather, I'm not comfortable with being myself yet. Or maybe it's the other way round..? Not sure..

I like to go to my grandmother's place. I feel at home there. Gives me a sense of peace too. I'm just some three doors away from her at this moment, now just borrowing cousin's comp for work and leisure. Shall go to my peace shelter now. See my grandmother here, cute right? I hope to be like her when I'm 80 :)

Official announcement

I penned an email to friends to inform them of this link. Quite like it especially the dig at Kel (!) so I copy it here :)

------------------------
http://gnoofyem.blogspot.com

Yes that's the announcement, it's up and running and I've thrown in some crappy bits. More should follow cos I'm random.

Anyway if you don't like your name to be there, or the way I call you or spell, pls shout early. You may suggest a screen name for yourself but I won't nec adopt it wholesale without mf-ing it.

I might post pictures one day, either in the blog itself or in photos.yahoo.com/gnoofyem. Don't like that either? Pls shout again, you picky piece of shit. Oops, I've picked up the bad phrase from One Track Mind :)

And if anyone knows how to put a stats counter on it, pls do teach can? :p I've signed up with
www.statscounter.com/ but instructions too chim for my grey matter!"

Have fun, people, I'm off to Malacca tmr morning!
:) mf

High-class kopi on a Christmas Day that feels like Boxing Day

Stomach is feeling weird. Might be the coffee I had at the post-dinner drinks with Kel, Kok and SY at TCC..

I'm feeling weird too, it felt like it was Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day. And come to think of it, last night felt more like Christmas than Christmas eve (which, by Kel's standards, was not even ping an for those who were outside!) So kopi today was like kopi at Bishan kopitiam, just four times as expensive..

SY and I were talking about shopping when I mentioned my lovely $5 beaded sandals from Bangkok. And a major realisation: Cousin is in Bangkok now and it's the weekend so she can help me buy from Chatuchak! But since I'm not sure of my Thai shoe size, I called Sito to ask in case he remembered; he bought sandals for his sister too. Ended up I should be size 11 and SY, 10. And ended up Sito came to join us cos he was in the vicinity and just parted with his friend.

So we were five.

Then Kok related the terror story, I mean, as in terrorism. His friend working in SGH saw this non-tourist looking Osama-looking guy with a video cam somewhere outside SGH, recording the areas from some bridge. OK my Singapore geography quite crap.. So his friend's colleague went to ask him what he was doing. Guess what, Osama-lookalike pushed him and dashed off! Colleague chased after him but lost him, went back to have lunch, thought it over and found it disturbing before finally going to the police. Kena scolded by the police! Should have reported it immediately! Nevermind the heroic chase..

A bit scary right? But I actually found it funny too cos natural reaction would be to make police report, not? And best part, why in the world would baddies send Osama-lookalikes to do such survelliance?! So freaking discrete ah?!

And Kel could not get over my previous post. Kok was saying a friend got a condo with his gf, whose family was quite rich, apparently. Then Kel said that would suit me, the girl he meant.. Had to explain to the rest that he thought I were lesbian (and Na, cannibalistic!) cos of what I wrote haha!

Then Kok remembered his friend in s17 or something found my blog and sent him the link. I was like, who's your friend? XX - I can't remember the name - but I don't know him! And I have only sent the link to Kel and Na for a preview so far. Even better, I've only got my initials here lor! Kel suggested that I had been "promoted", got stalker already. Right..

Feel strange that there actually exist some people I don't know but who know me or who I am. I'm just one normal (or strange depending on who's looking) girl trying to find my way about! Hence all these bimbotic rantings and random musings - what I term: mf-ism :)

Guys really do think differently. SY wanted to bake cookies and we thought we could borrow Kel's oven which had never been used in all its five glorious years. Then they all got started: -
"Why bake when you can buy?"
"Save it la; go calculate time and cost etc not worth it!"
"Say you don't have an oven; if you have, it's spoilt!"

Promises of Portuguese egg tarts and brownies did not move him to even try to test his oven. Don't they understand it shows we put in effort, and care and concern etc too, depending on who we are baking for! Sighs, next time really, if their gf make them cookies, we shall go: -
"Didn't you say not worth it?"
"Go buy better and nicer ma!"

And the finale.

Just as we were about to quit standing and talking in the middle of the pathway outside TCC and really leave the place, we made a discovery: there's a yellow pepper on the double yellow line of the road! It's so totally random! Recalling that I'll be cooking sweet and sour pork at grandmother's on Sunday I thought I should have that free pepper! :p Asked Sito to take it while I took a pict but pict was crap. So took a pict of the pepper in my hand instead. It cost 67cents :p Anyway one side wasn't pretty so I dumped it in the yellow bin in a minute.

I'm getting sleepier and hair is getting drier. Sleep to wake at 7am for a long-awaited jog with Susan!


Saturday, 25 December 2004

Cosy Christmas cele 2004

My bout of melancholy outburst yesterday afternoon diffused into outerspace as I was getting ready to go meet Kewei: my bro brought his gf back! So exciting! I heard my bro come back when I was painting my eyelids, then I heard someone talking and I thought, "Ting??!" I dashed out expecting to find Ting-gia but a pair of bespectacled eyes turned to me in mid-sentence. She must be shocked by my sudden, silence appearance but not bad, she quickly managed a jie-jie and I muttered something like ok and siamed back to my eyelids. Not the first time he brought her back I heard but that was the first time I saw her. She looked different from the photo at the fan though; she look totally, 100% juvenile, and no candy for guessing why I thought she was Ting-gia..

(Later I was dashing about getting my bag ready etc when I saw her stealing looks at me. Was I too ravishing or what? :p)

Anyway dinner was salad (gotta watch it) at Flappers with Na and Kewei, nothing exciting but Na was saying Kewei was like kopitiam ah pek with his 1litre Tiger beer haha!

I became a bit seh after a few mouthfuls of some apple cider cocktail, lousy right.. Can't remember what transpired before we took to the pool table, sort of woke up a bit more when someone snatched my cue as I was walking to the pool table - oh Sito arrived! Duh, I thought which it was some mugger - or did I? I can't remember now :p

Very happy actually, won the first game with Na and I told BH immediately since he taught me that spring/summer so long ago but my second game was crap so we quitted :p Also played table footy and this guy playing pool was telling the guys to buck up cos they were losing to us ladies! *smug*

Oh SY popped by around ten plus - checked my mobile to confirm this heh! But she seemed quite gone by then, and it was only ten! Took a pict, said Merry Christmas and bye SY! :p Anyway later might be going to town to meet her and Kok for dinner.

We had quite a number of Hoegarden pints cai-ing quan. I drank so much! Darn it, Sito! But I guess each of us also had our fair share of beer. Think I got more seh some time before midnight cos I drank more, voluntarily, as they played music and we danced a bit. Oh there was this strange wrestling to put the paper trumpets to people's ears. I got embroiled somehow and no it wasn't fun growing deaf by the minute I still wanna sing and hear my lovely voice thank you.

Anyway it was midnight and Christmas! Yeeeeah! One week to 2005 and two weeks to 25 year old mf :p We salud like 3000 times by then and took a lot of funny pictures too. Unfortunately Na vetted quite a number of hilarious shots, including one in which she was slumped on the ground, from what I'm not too sure! Also unfortunate, not all of these photos will be published on my photo site but I respect the subjects' wishes to vet the photos, afterall, there were incriminating panda eyes and love handles and the like..

I think we left Flappers shortly after countdown and sat outside for quite a long time. Na was quite gone by then and hey, I was actually quite clear-headed and alert! Must be past my natural threshold for sleep :) But then this morning I realised I lost pockets of happenings last night :p

There was this couple at the tangential side of the fountain ledge from us, the girl obviously cmi already while the guy looked totally awake, so we were joking with all possibilities :p On our side, we were supporting Na and talking crap at the same time - lots of crap which I shall/could not elaborate!

Hey suddenly remember: at some point, Na BIT me! TWICE! Itai yo =( But don't get too excited, were my stout finger and chubby arm :p Oh another pair of synapses just connected again: I smooched Na, or vice versa haha!

Took a cab back after all the quirky happenings outside Flappers. I had said I would log on to write this since I had to wait for hair to dry before I could sleep but I slept on my wet hair in the end, could not take it man..

Just got back from a Christmas Day service with Constance, well, not just but I was doing almost nothing for the past couple of hours that I'm back. Was just talking to Na and analysing events of last night; more like she analysed while I, the dumbita* of s09, went, "Oh.. right.. hmmm.." etc. Girl talk. Anyway, hee, think I could get used to this kind of fun; cold, quiet, snowy Christmases will remain in the deep abyss of mf's wee brain..

* Credit of the word "dumbita" must go to Sangeetha and Dol :)

Friday, 24 December 2004

Merry Christmas :)

So fast, it's my second one since I returned last Sep..

Still feel like I just returned.

Still feel like wearing my full length coat and walking to friend's place to have a great Christmas eve feast with turkey and mince pie and mulled wine.

Still remember that year when I returned at day break, put on some jazz and had some cocktail or something I couldn't recall while clad in my warm bathrobe, simply soaking in my solitude for that hour or so, before finishing the whole series of Heaven's Coins 1 by nightfall - and concussed for the next ten hours. It snowed that same year too. Three days after Christmas, I woke to a different scenery; instead of the brick red Victorian Union, I saw snow capped roofs with matching white lawns, ahhh..

Miss that.

Anyways.. I'm back to Christmas in Singapore! No more zo bo Christmas though, have to work half day today..

Took out my Christmas CD this morning to listen to on way to work. Bought it last year and I love it! Makes me feel Christmasy. Oh sure the lights in town make me feel Christmasy too BUT, the butterflies on some trees - esp the one opposite Heeren - are so freaking eerie! Totally drain everything Christmas out of mf. I'm going to Flappers later, there'd better be no butterfly infested Christmas trees.

Oh Siok was so nice, she came back from leave to pass us Christmas presents! I got a little ring case, how thoughtful right? Ben(3!) xiao jiao likes to wear rings :) Thanks Siok :)

Saturday, 18 December 2004

Brand new mf, with a pinch of quirkiness

News: mf has straight hair again! Cost: 60-100 plates of chicken rice, depending on where you buy. But of course it is worth every cent; it's gonna be at least three months before I'll take up a comb again! (Max of almost two weeks with permed hair..) And I do look ten times neater, though unfortunately my locks can no longer balance out my butt. Butts? *shrug*

*Distraction: Kok just logged into MSN messenger, nickname: "never wear all black and jog in Hong Keat Park"! Haha!*

I'll be burning plastic (again) tomorrow, trousers and lingerie and a bag, hopefully. Don't think it's because this year civil servants get more year end bonus ah.. More like bad PMS, this time it's the kind that comes with a cure: retail therapy! Just now, post salon, I bought two eyeliners. Then there was that lovely pair of shoes which I decided on in all of five minutes from accidentally entering the shop. Pastel pink, lilac and white, 3" stilettos, sexy hur? Now picture me cringe and bleed and drag my feet tomorrow..

Actually I'm not feeling very good this past week. Like the other day, I was in a lunch crowd and I felt this dreaded loneliness creeping up on me. The last time that happened was some four years ago at a Xmas or NY party. I remember saying in OBS after the solo thingy that while I was alone, I didn't feel lonely. Kel told me that crowd does not equate company. I'd never wanted more to be alone than with people that day..

And just learnt that my future bachelorette apartment will have two instead of three occupants, haha! I wonder what will happen to Na and me in the coming five years or so before we could afford down payment.. Past few days I've been thinking what if my friends all get hitched and busy with their own family lives. Naaah, not scared of being on my own but I don't want good friendships to fade; I seem to be losing contact with a friend already, sighs.. Like Kel said, I too hope that our friendships will continue into our twilight years..

But enough of depressing talk, PMS induced or otherwise! Time to rest for tomorow! Colleague's wedding lunch reception at the Singapore Art Museum. Still don't know how much ang bao to give.. Well I'll decide tomorrow when I iron my clothes and the money.. It's not my OCD acting up; I mean, it's not nice to give crumpled notes right? :)

Friday, 17 December 2004

Virgin post - in the name of the celebrity reindeer

After ages of complaining to certain poor souls I dubbed as good friends, mf is in! :)

Ok, end of crappy intro, now into my rantings of the day..

It's a Rudolph Fri, precipitated by the ENT examination ytd: The unfriendly looking guy sprayed some stuff up my nose - nostrils - numbed my nose, numbed my throat as the stuff dripped through (and later numbed my tongue when I went to the bathroom to spit out the bitter thing) and poked a scope in, in and in.. Still have the eeky feeling of the scope in my nostrils, through the mucus-filled cavities down to just above my throat *shudders* And worse, I looked through my appointment stuff for the skin prick test, saw this item for testing: cockroach mix, footnoted "American and German"!!!

But I managed to carry my nose to lunch with HY anyway, though I wasn't too keen on that fish place. And I really did look like Rudolph you know, minus the cute trimmings and the on-all-fours, and mf just HAS to be pretty right? :) But I figured it didn't really matter since I was out at U Sq last night looking exactly the same anyway, nevermind that it was more obvious in the day than in a dark crowded bar. But don't I feel amused when kids suddenly started singing my theme song of the day in the shopping mall!

Suddenly have an idea, I want to end this with a haiku! Take it as a tribute to FK, Siok and Jason who inspired me to start this: thanks peeps! :)

"mf* the pretty girl,
Rudolph the red nose reindeer,
Will say bye bye soon!"

* mf pronounced "murf" like smurf minus "s"; MF will be "M-F", got it? :)

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