Was browsing some old snippets of thoughts from years back – things I had no time to develop into a post here. And I saw some paragraphs on how I wanted to die on 8 Jan 2010, my 30th birthday!
Well, I’m 31 now..
Chose the date cos I would have finished my bond by then and not leave Mother in debt, and it seemed nice to say “in my 30 years of life...” (although of course, I wouldn’t be able to say that once dead!)
And I had planned to doll myself up that day and lie in bed in my little room to die (somehow) with Meh with my right hand on her little head so that both of us wouldn’t be scared or sad. Ohhh...
Of course I never executed
Think I must have written that when I felt lost in mundane work, when I felt that I had nothing to live for, when I felt that there wouldn’t be anything for me to live for in the future if all I did was work to support the elders. That was a very depressing time. I once felt very trapped by my obligations – work and family – at that point. I felt very trapped again some time earlier last year but by then I had Sito to come home to :)
Since my school days, I have heard of a number of cases of suicides of friends of friends. I even walked by a block that was cordoned off cos someone jumped.. I was totally freaked out! And I find it very sad that life can be so insurmountable for some that they have to shorten it so drastically.
That said, if I were to contract a terminal and painful illness with no hope of recovery, I would choose to go earlier than to hang on and suffer and have my family suffer with me. (But I wouldn't choose to jump. Not pretty! And I'm gutless!) It’s very sad but the saying is true for many right? 久病无孝子 – in the end, the young must take care of their future rather than their past. To do that, we must ourselves be able to take care of ourselves, unlike many old parents who could only rely on their children.
And related, twice, I’ve had people telling me that they didn’t want to live beyond a certain age – 60 and 70 respectively. Isn’t that very short?? I don’t need to live to 100 but 60! I’ll probably still be working and 70! I don’t even know if I’ll see my grand kid yet!