Today, I was totally stunned to hear that a friend's newborn passed away, just an hour after I heard that she delivered yesterday at 38 weeks plus.
We're not particularly close but I really wanted to call her, reach out to her. But honestly, I didn't know what to say. She probably wanted some space and time with her loved ones too. And nothing anyone says would help, as I unfortunately know. But I wanted to do something. I thought for a long while and whatsapped her instead. Told her about my angels despite the different circumstance and how I coped. I was so glad to see her reply.
I heard the bad news just before I left office. Started tearing on the train and this woman was staring at me. When I got to ZK, I picked him up and cried behind his back.
I remember reading something people were sharing on Facebook, about the thoughts of a mum when her daughter told her she was planning to start a family. I remember thinking it's so true. Parenthood brings about so much joy and also so much worries.
After Angel Baby, I was worried about ZK all the time. In the early weeks, every scan was a relieve. The thought that morning sickness was a good sign helped me live with it. Then, every kick was a reassurance. But every lengthy period of stillness freaked me out. I also worried about Down's but when I was told that ZK had a thick neck, I'd already fallen in love with him. Obviously, he turned out fine.
Then, I got paranoid about things that could go wrong during delivery. Thankfully, excitement took over such paranoia. And that first cry was the most lovely music in the world!
But I realised that was only the beginning. In the early days, I kept waking up to check that he was still breathing in the bassinet beside me. Even now, I would sometimes go into his room just to feel his little chest heave up and down - but only when I'm awake la hoho!
I also worried if he was developing ok. Autism was the next thing to be paranoid about, especially during the time when he wasn't interactive yet. I sometimes still worry about his development but well, that could just be me being competitive when I see other kids do things that he can't do yet! I must remind myself that each child grows at his/her own pace.
Then when he get some serious bugs, I worry about every aspect - Is he still hot? Why is the cough not stopping? Is that him wheezing? Does him have difficulty breathing? Is he breathing? (again) Wa, his mucous is so yellow! Can he sleep well? He's not eating. He's not drinking enough milk/water. He's losing weight. Some of these also plague me when he's healthy, especially whether he's getting enough sleep.
And these are not all! Whenever I see or read bad things that happen to other kids, whatever their age, I get struck with fear. Whenever I see a safety risk, even as far fetched as whether the low-life smoking next to the cardboard may set the neighbourhood on fire, I get all paranoid.
Just yesterday, I was very frustrated that he wasn't sleeping. He wasn't rolling either; he was just sitting there crying, sometimes burying his wet and snotty face into the new bedsheets. Today, I didn't let myself get frustrated. To have him is such a blessing!