Maybe I'll do a log of what I do while Sito is away...
miso: Don't you already log everything you do while he is here??
Monday, Sito left on a plane..
And I caused him to miss his carpool to the airport =(
Stupid Pinky II! Because of daylight savings, the alarm for 7.30 am went off at 6.30 am so I set it to 7.30 am again but it didn't go off!
Luckily they were planning to be real early so he was still on time when he left later.
Spent the rest of the day rather unproductively..
Tuesday, Sito far far away in Vietnam
I was moping a lot. Then he emailed to say he arrived in Vietnam :)
Still, I continued to mope. Cos I have this ulcer in my mouth :(
I had only milk for breakfast and some vege and meat stirfry for lunch. Met the girls for a four-hour long tea which was so fun!! Each of us brought something - muffins, brownies, cinnamon rolls, cookies, crackers and cheese, samosas. So much to eat!
Orange and oatmeal muffins which did not rise but tasted good nonetheless:
Sorry, Sito, I stopped moping here :p But you came up in our conversations! We had to talk about our husbands :p
Realised none of us took photo.. But since I'm at it, here are some pictures of an earlier girly tea - we made dumplings!
Apparently, cooking the dumplings with a sprig of spring onions prevents them from sticking together.
Ta-da!
Anyway, got home just before 9 pm and spent 30 minutes washing my silicon muffin cups! Yes, 30 freaking minutes washing six muffin cups! Darn those grooves!
By then, I'd decided I would go out with the girls - to the Keg!! This was my first time at the Keg this quarter. We got there just before 10.30 pm but the music hadn't started so we sat around and chat at Pete Miller for a while.
My drink when we eventually headed back to the Keg - I can't remember when I last had this!
Hell, when was the last time I danced like this?!
It was just 30 min on the dance floor as I had to work this morning - sighs.. Left at 12.30 am and slept by 1 am.
Wednesday, Sito emailed me again! :)
So happy to see his note :) Apparently FB is blocked in Vietnam...
Had M and T over for lunch - chicken rice rice (as in just the rice, using premix :p), bok choy with black fungus, failed foo yong eggs (just scrambled in the end), Milo (no one took the offer for Milo Dino!) and jelly!
Now when was the last time I had that!
Sat around for a while and discussed languages and watch youtube videos before we called it a day...
The outdoors were so inviting today! When I stepped out for milk, it felt so good I wanted to cry! Wish you were here :)
I’m moody. Sito left for SEA this morning. My life has been so centred on him, or us, that it seems so empty when it’s only me... Pathetic? Not really - I'm tea-ing and lunching with some friends while the husband is away! :p I just prefer Sito to be with me..
So I wasn’t in the mood to do anything but read blogs this afternoon. I must mope a little.. Then I started to feel irritated.
I kept reading about negative sentiments, perceptions and – if you wish – analysis of our public policies. So there’s this one that talks about a government scholar from low-income family making it through our meritocractic system – it was then qualified that there would always be someone like that but it’s not possible for everyone to achieve that.
Am I the only person who thinks that strange? Of course it’s not possible for EVERYONE to make it la! At least not to the same extent but the possibility of mobility is there, isn’t it?
Was talking with Kel about similar issues just a while ago. As a kid, I didn’t like it but I accepted my family circumstances as they were, and dreamt of bigger things for myself when I grew up. With no material distraction, all my attention was focused on studying, which did me, and many others we know, well in the end. In the end, we ourselves need to fight for our own happiness instead of whining about life.
Finished ranting. The sad feeling is creeping back. Time to head for the gym.
On the other extreme, this guy from HK/Canada who knew Sito exclaimed how I had a thick Singaporean accent while Sito had not.
I guess for those who are acquainted with Singlish, it’s pretty obvious what kind of accent I have. There was one occasion when I was suddenly awakened to my own accent. That was the spring of 2003, when BBC news was covering SARS in Asia. I had my back to the TV and turned around with a jerk when I heard a primary school teacher address her class to “take out your thermometer” in that familiar Singaporean monotone – to suddenly hear that amid the crisp accent of the BBC reporter was very startling! I suddenly realised that the way we spoke English can sound quite terrible to others and even ourselves if we have been immersed in a different accent for a while *.* Somehow I just wasn’t aware of it when I was hanging out with the Singaporeans..
So today, I don’t know it got started but suddenly, they were telling me about the way I say certain words, like “can’t” which I don’t say in the American way – I could hardly figure out whether they’re saying “can” or “can’t”! Ok if you count that as an accent, but “four years”, how I pronounce that in a different way, I just don’t get it!
Anyway, just yesterday, actually, day before on Saturday, while we were chatting with a friend who just arrived from Sg for a week in Chicago, and saying how angmohs might not understand our English, I commented that it was because Singaporeans do not articulate our words properly, especially the terminal consonants. Singaporeans, just try saying “forget”, “and” – don’t we love swallowing that final “t” or “d”?? We’re used to it ourselves so we have no problem understanding fellow Singaporeans but it can be difficult for others to understand us.
I only started to be more conscious about my consonants and vowels when I was doing the language module in my Montessori course, and now when I’m learning Spanish. In fact, every time I learn a new language, I glean new insights into English. Like when I was learning Japanese in secondary school, I began to have a better appreciation of English grammar, strangely..
Anyway, no, there’s no way I have a British accent despite four years in Oxford. Even when I drop the whole la-leh-lor thing, it’s indisputably Singaporean, since, well, I’m born and bred in good old Sg! This came up too on Saturday, they were saying that – well, I don’t know if this could be some urban legend but it’s worth a thought – MM was once posed a question by someone in a forum, and before he replied, he asked him whether he was Singaporean (yes) and then why he was speaking with an American accent! Well, either he was born and bred overseas or just fake! There’re so many of these angmoh-wannabes in Sg – two weeks on a holiday and among their tons of souvenirs was a brand new accent. Bah. I cannot take it! Or, buay tahan :p
It has been decided on our pinkies: Sito is the CEO of Clan Sito while mf undertakes the CFO function. In this household, it means that I'll take care of our finances for the present while he strategises for the future :p
And, I really like the train conductor or driver:
"Good evening, good evening, good evening! *heartily* This train will terminate at Howard. Please remember to take all your belongings with you - bags, clothes, shoes, children (!), wallets..."
mf: This is either his last or first day at work..
Sito: Or he's just knocking off..
Now, returning to Evanston feels like coming home :)
T brought me soup again, fish soup which I’ll have for dinner tonight, and she commented that I looked better than last week. Indeed, my store of iron is being replenished and it showed on my face, and more importantly I’m feeling ok.
Emotionally, it’s amazing how fast it took for me to feel normal again, with Baby* gone. Since last Friday, I’m able to talk about Baby without getting teary or sobbing. Grief has given way to acceptance, I think.
* I asked Sito if we should give baby a name, and he said “Baby?”
Baby did strange things to me, things which remain even though it is now gone. Physically, I had an incredible urge to hit the gym yesterday, a habit that started with Baby. Gastronomically, my appetite for sweet things has not yet returned; I’m no longer repulsed by chocolate but I’m certainly not clearing out my Halloween stock any time soon.
Other things are back to pre-pregnancy normalcy. Hormonally, this “normalcy” is pretty dismal because zits big and small are back to colonise specific areas of my face. Allergically (new word, only in mf’s dictionary), I just realised last night that I stopped having a stuffy nose in bed.
The only odd thing is that somehow I’ve been eating too much. Way too much. The other day, I kept going at a huge tub of ice cream while watching stuff online, and didn’t notice Sito’s constant jabbing at me to stop until I had gone through a terrifying amount of ice cream. At least that was one-off..
Bought some bread on Sunday, and I’ve been drowning it in peanut butter for mid morning and/or mid afternoon tea EVERY DAY. I mean, I love carbs, especially bread and rice – seriously, I don’t think you can find another girl who loves carbs this much in this carb-conscious and flab-fearing world! But it isn’t healthy with that much peanut butter and when I’ve already satisfied my carb craving with oatmeal porridge for breakfast and pasta or rice for lunch and dinner!
I hope it’s just a phase that goes away once the bread is depleted. Won’t be buying any for a while! Like Sito said, it’s overall better to just have peanut butter off the spoon than to have it on top of bread if I don’t want to overeat!
I have an urge to head for the gym again. I really like this – haven’t felt this way since I went to Amore when I just started working and wasn’t too busy. When my abdominal muscles feel better, I’ll return to pilates. A healthier body makes a healthier home for the next baby!
...
Actually, I think I’m not answering my title question: What’s normal?
I was thinking of what the word meant: the usual, the standard, the common. So pregnancy is actually not “normal” since we don’t spend the majority of our life being in that state. Although being pregnancy isn’t exactly not normal – in fact, it’s quite a normal thing for those of childbearing age!
In other context, “normal” may not be normal. I’m thinking particularly of our secondary school system, with its various streams ranging from gifted, special, express and normal. I never understood the first two but aren’t most people in the express stream? How then is the normal stream normal?
What is normal??
At times like this, I look within for an answer..
miso: Not abnormal..
mf: What is abnormal?
miso: Not normal!
... and try not to strangle my imaginary twin!
This brain is certainly not meant for much thinking...
1)
Once at some party, a girl was asking for a bottle opener for a bottle of beer. We didn’t have one but apparently, people had been twisting the caps off! Sito was near and he helped, and I went wow!
Sito: That’s why you married me! =D
Well, among other things :)
2)
Out of the blue one evening..
mf: I think you’ll still be charming when you’re 60 =)
Sito: *happy*
mf: I don’t think I’ll still look like this when I’m 60!
Sito: *.*
mf: I can remain cute?
Oh well.. I think I got the better end of the deal!
3)
We headed for Forever XXI after tea on Saturday to walk off some calories. Some teens were in the same section..
Sito: *visibly disturbed* They look like they're 14...
mf: Ok what.. Girly clothes..
Sito: It's ok if they're like 18, 19... I don't want to go to jail leh...
mf: Huh?
Sito: If you wear the same clothes as these girls...
Oooh, but my face doesn't look like I'm 14! Hoho!
4)
We carry the same excitement over different parts of the same thing..
When we were getting married:
mf: Are you excited? ROM next week!
Sito: Hmmm, ok la.. I’m more excited about the wedding dinner!
When we got pregnant:
mf: Are you excited about our first prenatal visit? :)
Sito: Hmmm, I’ll be more excited when you pop!
Ah, not happening yet...
5)
Sometimes, Sito would hum to himself. Sometimes, I would pick up on it. This day, I did again but with the lyrics. Then he sang with me..
... 也许我会忘记，也许会更想你，也许已没有也许！
Old song! As I was typing this post, I had to find the song online. That attracted him to my desk. Somehow, the male voice was different from how we remember it.. Anyway, here’s the closest:
http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/jxQpG5Sk6Cw/
Sito sang along with a deep deep voice, the way we remember it :p
Then he had a bright idea – let’s sing 上海滩!
Then I learnt that Sito knew a lot about 上海滩! He mentioned the show and the lead characters 许文强 and 丁力 – in Cantonese!! I’m suitably impressed :)
I'm really fortunate and grateful to have supportive friends far and near.
I resumed work yesterday to take my mind off things. We also had a pre-arranged dinner with the Sg crowd yesterday. Chicken rice premix was wonderful! We ate so much.
And this morning, I woke early and even though I wasn't hungry, I heated up some yummy red bean soup for breakfast. More red bean soup for breakfast tomorrow. Both T and K brought me red bean soup yesterday :)
When Sito woke, we had leftover chicken rice, chicken curry and chicken soup! Chicken soup was from T yesterday - I saved some to share with Sito today.
And we weren't even hungry when we decided on Cheesecake Factory in the afternoon - Sito had a Snicker bar cheesecake and I had a warm apple crisp. We were supposed to be shopping, 散散心, but in the end, we didn't buy anything. Despite that and the snow, it was a rather nice stroll in the snow...
Now Sito is at dinner with the guys. I'm still too full to eat. So I'm doing random things.. Just morphed our faces on a website to see what our kid would look like.
Ta-da!
(Nvm the hair - my hair in my photo was cropped *.*)
Spent my day in dorama-land. Almost forgot my medicine in the evening.
After catching up with the latest episodes of The Mentalist, I started on Hotaru No Hikari 2. Some lessons to note:
Epsiode 1: When I work hard, I don’t know why I work hard. But it sure feels good when that in itself becomes inspiring – to myself or to others.
Episode 2: Eh.. Forgot!
Episode 3: 小さいことも我慢できないと、結婚なんて無理でしょう。
Episode 4: Well, I think we’re always very ラブラブ even though we didn’t think much about it! We were, um, commented upon after a lunch with DC :p
Episode 5: It’s important to put in effort. It’s more important to put love into these efforts. Even if these efforts come to nought, well, it’s ok! 煮干しの一ポイント！
Very often, fictitious stories like this can help put things in perspective. And at the end of the first day without baby, I’m putting various aspects of my life in perspective. All the mundane worries about work and money seem insignificance to life. Necessary, yes, but not sufficient.
We found that we got pregnant in January. And this afternoon, barely five weeks later, we miscarried. Or rather, I choose to say that we “delivered” – 30 weeks early.
I want to pen everything about it from the beginning to the end. I want to be able to remember everything about baby years from now. Half of this was lovingly written in the past five weeks; I was waiting for the day when I could post an ultrasound scan of a big baby and tell the world! The other half was mostly tearfully scribbled yesterday and peacefully written today. It may be a little tmi at parts..
Like anyone who wants to get pregnant, we were hoping to get there asap. But six months into it, all I had was a polyp on my uterine wall. After removing it, we left for Kellogg, where we had no luck until after winter break in Sg.
Sito was starting to get busy, and tired, with recruiting. By then, I was over with obsessing about babies. I was pretty zen about it, so zen that when my temperature dropped on CD32 – by right, the cycle resets with a drop in temperature –, I was simply waiting for my period to happen. All symptoms were there – boobs starting to hurt, (strange) period cramps in the past two days.
But no period the next day. And the temperature remained low although it climbed a little. Decided to take a test the next day to convince myself that there was no pregnancy.
The next morning, Saturday 22 Jan 2011, temperature rose a fair bit. Strange. Nevermind. Then, faint line. I couldn’t believe it! I vaguely recalled that a faint line also meant a positive. I booted up the mac and checked – yes!
Woke Sito and we were happy :)
Turned out we had a faulty thermometer *.*
I started telling a few girls that week or so. Sito went a step further – he told two interviewers! :p But we decided to wait to see the doc before telling the family.
There was so much happiness and hope in those days..... We totally enjoyed it, especially me – no morning sickness, only painful boobs, lost my sweet tooth and gained a love for walking in the gym! Good baby!
I was so excited about 15 Feb 2011 until that very afternoon, when excitement gave way to anxiety. At the doc’s, a nurse took my weight and blood pressure, and sent me to a room. I remember feeling vulnerable while waiting for the doc to come in. Who wouldn’t when they’re half naked!
Doc did a PAP smear as part of the standard procedure and felt about my insides. Then she attempted to find baby by scanning my belly as my bladder was full.
Turned out that my bladder was too full! So we had the transvaginal probe. And once she found the baby, we could only focus on that little pea on the screen :)
It was so tiny! Only 14.19 mm! The measurement put it at seven weeks and five days. Later when I looked at the picture, I couldn’t tell the head from the bottom. But the heart was beating fast in the middle, the little flicker on the screen, captured on video on our phone. Sito didn’t even realise he was blocking my view while video-ing its beating heart :)
It was such a wonder that there was a tiny being pumping blood within itself within me.
She continued to probe a little and pointed out a black shadow next to baby. It could have been another baby, which somehow didn’t make it.
Oh well, if it was meant to be, it would have been...
Which made our baby a survivor from the start!
That evening, Sito received more good news – a second offer! We told the family the next morning – baby and his internship. At least one piece of good news will endure..
Our survivor didn’t survive for long.
On Sunday, 20 Feb 2011, I had some spotting and slight cramping around noon. But everything stopped that afternoon. All was well until Friday, 25 Feb 2011, when I had a brief spotting episode. The next day, it wasn’t so brief and there was a tinge of red by the evening. My worries worsened the next day when I was positively bleeding even though I felt no pain.
Finally, yesterday. Doc said my cervix was closed and there was no tissue in my bleeding, but she sent me to the hospital for a detailed ultrasound to be sure.
While waiting for my turn, I wrote a little prayer for baby. But it was too late. The measurements put baby at eight weeks and a half – that was wrong, it should be nine and a half. Deep down, I knew why my boobs stopped hurting for the past week or so, and why I started to be able to look at chocolate and eat it too. But I was still hoping to see the heartbeat.
Then I saw baby. I thought it was more baby-like than the last time – it was so cute.. But I couldn’t see the beating heart like we did the last time. I was hoping that the sonographer’s eye was better at that. But she said she couldn’t see the heartbeat too. And when she turned on the sound, there was no sound.
I felt emptiness all round while she left the room to consult my doc. Encouraging words to baby were said but likely not heard..
When she came back, she put me on the phone with the doc. Went for a blood test immediately to confirm hormone levels before a D&C. The alternative was to wait and let my body do the job but it might be painful or I might still need surgical intervention in the end to remove any remnant.
I didn’t cry until I got home when I realised that there would be no baby to hold and love come 26 Sep 2011. Sat on the toilet and cried. Wrote and cried. When Sito came back from a work event, I hugged him and cried.
Sito was more zen. Since a miscarriage is usually due to some chromosomal or development fault along the way, we should rather it end than result in an unhappy baby. I knew he had a point but it was just difficult to accept at that point.
Eventually, we discussed and agreed on the D&C. I didn’t think I wanted to see baby come out; I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I certainly don’t want to flush it down the toilet!
Cramps in the middle of the night. More bleeding. I kept thinking and fearing that baby might come out but it didn’t.
This morning, I was no longer teary, just resigned. While Sito was at school, I googled about what people did with their miscarried babies. I was thinking of cremating it and keeping it in a little vial. But various sources said that such small foetuses would be burnt to nothing! When the doc called us to her office, I asked her what others did. She said I had a choice if I wanted to bring the “tissue” home. Baby became “tissue”..
Anyway, my hormone level was less than 20% of the expected level for 10 weeks. Another ultrasound showed no heartbeat. And baby looked like a little lump. But at least Sito got to see it one last time before the scheduled D&C for the next day.
Turned out that it wasn’t the last we saw of it.
We had lunch and Sito took a nap to sleep away his cold. While I watched drama - it was a good distraction; kept me from crying my eyes out yesterday –, I had this cramp and backache which got worse and finally, I couldn’t sit or lie still or concentrate on the drama.
Baby slipped out at about 4.00 pm, followed by a gush of liquid. I was so shocked, first by the sensation then the sight. I had a plastic box just emptied of its golden raisins this morning. So I took a plastic fork and scooped it out of the toilet into the box!
Then I woke Sito and told him that “there’s something gross in our toilet”. He didn’t hear that line until I told him just now. And it was only just now that I realised that I called our baby gross!
Anyway he took a look and confirmed that it was baby. So I called the doc who asked us to bring baby over right away. It didn’t happen right away cos the cramps continued for a while before another lump came out...
On the way, we decided to just let the doc deal with baby.
Doc took baby away to have a look. When she came back, she said it seemed that everything had come out, sac and placenta. After a pelvic exam, I was sent away with prescriptions against infection and for uterine contraction. She would call me tomorrow morning to check on me before deciding if we should continue with the D&C.
Then we left the clinic without baby. The doc didn’t mention anything, and we just let it be. I said a little goodbye as we left the clinic. A sad “goodbye, baby” said with a little smile, after many happy days of “good morning / goodnight, baby”.......
The way things turned out was better than a D&C after all. Delivering and seeing baby – even in its unrecognisable state – was some sort of a closure. I asked the doc how my cramps compared to actual labour contractions. She said they weren’t too different, just that the latter would be more protracted. So baby and I had gone through the front and end of pregnancy together despite missing the middle part.
Now, I’m feeling much better. Less bleeding. Less backache. Sito is back to bed :p I think friends and family may feel worse for us when they know. But the worst for us both should be over. We’re managing and we’re looking forward to having a healthy baby in the near future. Thanks to all who have written back :)
It just happened that yesterday, CY replied to an inspirational email I forwarded her last week, saying that she liked this particular part in the story:
“Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
You didn’t know it then but it meant a lot to me – thank you :)
And baby, you were so loved and you will be missed and remembered forever. 放开不代表遗忘⋯⋯
