In the beginning, it was all amazement and excitement over ZK's arrival. As the dust settled in the first couple of weeks, I found myself looking at this combination of Sito and me, and wondering how such a wonderful thing could come to be. I could hardly imagine that he was in me just days ago!
As I held him, I thought, I could only love this little boy. We were talking one day and I could hardly articulate what I felt cos I was overwhelmed by tears of joy. Um, rather emo... Now I have a better grip on myself. But as I look at ZK sleeping in my left arm now, I was reminded of this story again - my heart is 满满的 :)
I was thinking about this subject during the later part of my pregnancy. But I didn't manage to get down to writing it properly. Perhaps just as well. Perhaps I can gather my thoughts better now that I have upgraded from mum-to-be to simply mum.
Remember my earlier post about my relationship with Mother? I was reminded of it as ZK grew in me and started interacting with me through his (sometimes) violent movements. Some days back then, all I could think of was how I would be caring for him, playing with him, guiding him towards independence, and most of all, loving him with every bit of me.
I thought, Mother should have felt the same way about me when I was in her. From old photos, baby mf looked groomed and well taken care of. But my earliest memory of her, when I was in kindergarten or so, was a distant parent who was mostly silent, who was in the kitchen a lot, who watched TV a lot, and who had a cane in her hand and a fierce look on her face. Later, I learnt not to share with her about my life in school cos she wasn't interested in things other than my results and she was always negative about me participating in school or friend stuff. (That evolved to me not sharing anything with her in adulthood.)*
So, what happened?? What happened to the love that grew with me in her?
A little voice told me, "Life happens. Reality happens."
I'll be lying if I say that the constant nursing, the leaking poop and the lack of sleep don't frustrate me sometimes. I do look at ZK in despair when nothing I do makes him sleep or stop fussing. I do get angry at Sito if he plays too much Diablo III. I do recall with a sigh the more carefree life before baby. But overall, I've never felt more 幸福 - to have them both in my life to love and grow together. And I resolve to not let the hustle bustle of daily life eclipse this warm fuzzy feeling.
* A couple of days after writing this line, I came across this on Facebook - how true!
"Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff."