Friday, 22 February 2013

Now, breathe...

ZK woke at 4.30 am and fussed until 6 am. I want to go back to sleep but I can't cos I'm fucking pissed. What do I do while soothing him but think? And just now, the more I thought, the more pissed I got.

It hit me that I've never been so angry so frequently in the past.

I've been very angry before. For years before I got married, I was always angry at "home" - it was a deep simmering anger that had limited outlet so I managed by spending as little time there as possible and later when I had my own room, hiding in it. Everyone there pissed me off in one way or another. Now thankfully that has passed.

There were two distinct periods of time when I was angry at work but it was more stress and/or heavy workload than anything deeper. And of course, all incidents involving errant taxi drivers and smokers rile me up. I would take down taxi number and shout out of the window respectively.

Recently, when I was angry at this woman who knocked into ZK and just walked off, I thought I already wasn't as angry as I used to be. But I was wrong. I'm now so angry I'm sacrificing precious sleep time to vent my frustrations here. And this was after repeatedly punching my bed on Wednesday.

It's just that I cannot help but feel like I'm being held ransom by debts, especially intangible ones, that I cannot return. I vented to Kel and CY and both gave me somewhat different responses. I need to vent to more of my dear friends and get more advice and TLC!! Especially TLC..

And I so so soooo hate to be controlled or manipulated or fed subliminal messages. I may seem docile but I won't compromise my autonomy. And to use a very funny but flawed phrase that seems pretty apt here, 我又不是没有“想法”的人!

It's really tiring being angry. I don't like to be angry. I look at ZK or his photos to feel better, to remind myself how happy we are with him in our life. I tell myself to calm down. I tell myself that when we're starting to plan for ZK's younger sibling, being angry would make him/her a stressed baby. But it's very hard, VERY HARD, when I keep getting triggered. And I thought I'm already pretty mild-tempered compared to some people I know. I thought I'm already pretty zen. I guess I can be more zen.

And I guess that old anger furnace is still burning in me. Don't push it.

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