Ok, a morbid post before the end of Tiger Year..
Was browsing some old snippets of thoughts from years back – things I had no time to develop into a post here. And I saw some paragraphs on how I wanted to die on 8 Jan 2010, my 30th birthday!
Well, I’m 31 now..
Chose the date cos I would have finished my bond by then and not leave Mother in debt, and it seemed nice to say “in my 30 years of life...” (although of course, I wouldn’t be able to say that once dead!)
And I had planned to doll myself up that day and lie in bed in my little room to die (somehow) with Meh with my right hand on her little head so that both of us wouldn’t be scared or sad. Ohhh...
Of course I never executed me this plan!
Think I must have written that when I felt lost in mundane work, when I felt that I had nothing to live for, when I felt that there wouldn’t be anything for me to live for in the future if all I did was work to support the elders. That was a very depressing time. I once felt very trapped by my obligations – work and family – at that point. I felt very trapped again some time earlier last year but by then I had Sito to come home to :)
Since my school days, I have heard of a number of cases of suicides of friends of friends. I even walked by a block that was cordoned off cos someone jumped.. I was totally freaked out! And I find it very sad that life can be so insurmountable for some that they have to shorten it so drastically.
That said, if I were to contract a terminal and painful illness with no hope of recovery, I would choose to go earlier than to hang on and suffer and have my family suffer with me. (But I wouldn't choose to jump. Not pretty! And I'm gutless!) It’s very sad but the saying is true for many right? 久病无孝子 – in the end, the young must take care of their future rather than their past. To do that, we must ourselves be able to take care of ourselves, unlike many old parents who could only rely on their children.
And related, twice, I’ve had people telling me that they didn’t want to live beyond a certain age – 60 and 70 respectively. Isn’t that very short?? I don’t need to live to 100 but 60! I’ll probably still be working and 70! I don’t even know if I’ll see my grand kid yet!
This thought came to me the other day. What if I were single today? Where would I be? What would I be doing?
Before Sito, I thought of running away to Japan to teach English to kindergarten kids. And stay there forever if I could. Why running away? Cos life wasn't too bright then.. Even with Sito, I had considered going for a year after my bond ended, just cos I could! That was of course before he proposed :p
It’s always been such a dream for me. To live in Japan. To immerse in a country whose food and language I love. In school, I missed out on two opportunities to go on an immersion programme cos it was too expensive and Mother's house simply couldn’t accommodate another person for the return visit. It was also a dream for me to live on my own again, away from Mother’s apron strings.
If I don’t run away, I’ll probably still be doing policy, clocking stressful hours. Or taking it easy and cruising at my low position. No need to work hard for performance bonus. Just be happy with the salary that keeps me alive. Or I’ll run away from there too, and become a secretary or childcare teacher somewhere, enjoying a less stressful form of work but with a flatter pay packet.
Then, when I hit 35, I’ll buy a little flat and finally live independently on my own. I’ll have house parties and go have prata every week or so. I’ll spend quiet evenings reading, blogging, experimenting with recipes, watching TV or watching movies on my own if friends are busy with their families. I’ll go learn Japanese properly, and make regular trips to Japan. I’ll rediscover the joy of shopping and buy all the shoes and bags that I want, since I won’t have a family to provide for. Oh, but that’s if I remain a civil servant; childcare doesn’t pay enough!! *.*
And every so often, I’ll go clubbing – be a lao chio and snog random men! Haha! Ok, skip the random men..! Go KTV more often. Oh, and learn how to sing better! And learn the piano!
But I realise I can now do all of the above things except spending money indiscriminately cos we’re poor now, and clubbing cos I don’t have the energy after cooking and cleaning! But these two, I can live without. So, yup, I’m content being Mrs Sito :)
An extension is, if we remain just the two of us...
We want kids of course! But like above, I’m trying to compare the different lives with and without..
We’re living the life without kids now. With kids, I’ll probably not watch as many dramas hoho! Here in Evanston, kids probably won’t change my life too much – there’s a nice support and fun circle of mums and playgroups here. And most importantly, I have time! But back in Singapore, I think it will be significantly different..
Let’s see.. I assume both of us work. So, we need childcare, which means shuttling between home, work and childcare centre but that could not be helped. Emotionally, there’s the worry of leaving the kids with other people but that could not be helped either. We’ll get part-time help so housework is out of the equation yeah yeah! Honestly, ironing little shirts? That’s too much work when I’m working *.*
Then, we get little rest after work cos we have to, want to, play with the kids, enjoy some family time with these high-energy chaps and put them to bed. Probably no energy left for sex *.* Hmmm, put them to bed earlier? Hoho! Do some work at night cos we, or at least I, would have left work pretty early – like, on time! – to fetch the kids. No time to just do nothing. But before we sleep, we can think of chubby cheeks and smile :)
Conclusion? Yes, a lot of changes with kids. But it’s a lot of joy too, I think! So yes, kids, we will have :)
I didn't realise it but I have been blogging for (just) over six years!
I still remember the beginnings. A little website on the now-defunct Geocities with pages dedicated to me, my travels, maths, music etc, some time in Oxford. Then another website to rant all the frustration at home every summer and especially when I first returned for good.
I had never heard about blogging then. Until I met this old classmate and he told me about it. I was like, OH?!
And the rest was history.
Sito is a chemistry nerd and I’m a maths nerd. He thinks chemistry is the language of how the world works. I think maths is the language of how the world works.
The Sito chapter
Sito likes chemistry.
And he has a bunch of related trivials. Why it smells funny when I rebond my hair. Why egg whites change colour when cooked / whipped very hard. Things I never knew!!
And that night, we were talking about viruses and bacteria.. Hey I know about those! But I needed a reminder on the difference between the two. Then he went on to talk about how the AIDS virus was simple but could disrupt the system. Or something like that. And this could be related. Or not!
Sito: I think *that* is a retro virus (mf has forgotten what *that* was :p)
mf: What is a retro virus?
Sito: It has afro hair and mambos..
mf: *.*
Then he went on to give the real definition..
Well, trivials are interesting. But I never like chemistry even though I married someone who does :)
The mf chapter
I like maths.
Not the hard stuff like algebra or calculus. The fun stuff (which may not be easy!). I always think it amazing that the golden ratio and the Fibonacci numbers can be found in nature.
And my favourite irrational number, pi! Omg, it all started with the library in my secondary school – the maths teacher who was in charge of maths enrichment pasted the number around the length of the library! And if I recall correctly, there was a wad of paper rolled up at the end of the four lengths of wall!
Then the other day, I discovered how Sito does subtraction – with his fingers in a way I didn’t immediately understand.
Sometimes I marvel at the things I don’t know about my husband :)
Question:
So, who’s the bigger nerd? :p
When I was working in Sg, I would have breakfast at home and leave for work. Then I would feel hungry by 11.30 am. And if I didn’t have a meeting or lunch appointment, I’d head straight to the hawker centre to get my early lunch!
But for a couple of weeks in 2008 or 2009, I didn’t feel hungry for lunch. I didn’t even crave for snacks. Not at all! That worried me a lot.. I just pinched on some fruits to keep gastric pains at bay.. This went away shortly and I was left baffled, cos I couldn’t understand why that happened.
You see, I always like to eat. And I’m always hungry. So when I don’t feel like eating or I don’t feel hungry around meal times, I feel uneasy. I worry.
And now, it’s happening again but more specifically with chocolate. You see, again, that I love chocolates all my life! When I don’t feel fat, when I feel down, when I’m working/studying hard, when I feel peckish, I eat chocolates. Even when I have a sore throat, I’d love a little square! Many more! Last quarter, I ate a lot of M&M’s while preparing for Montessori exams.
When we first came back, I kind of forgot about my stash of chocolates on the high cabinet – was trying to keep them out of reach but of course, I always managed to get them when I wanted to! At the same time, we were happily munching on crisps accumulated while I was away! When the crisps were gone, I suddenly remembered about my chocolates and munch on a couple of fun packs happily in the afternoons when I was reading :)
Then in the past few days, I didn’t feel like having chocolates at all. And this afternoon, I was so pathetic – my brain was like “time for some M&M’s!” but the rest of me wasn’t keen. But after a while, the rest of me listened to the brain, who was so used to chocolates that not having them seemed wrong! And I didn’t feel particularly happy when munching on the M&M’s. So sad =(
And I had my usual evening class today so I packed my dinner with me cos I wasn’t hungry at 6 pm to eat before class. By break time which was 8 pm, I still wasn’t hungry but had my packed dinner anyway. After a while, I realised that I had missed dinner time cos I could feel the gastric cramps starting. That was when I realised that the lack of hunger I experienced a few years ago was back! Argh!
Well, at least, it isn’t that I don’t like chocolates anymore!!
Can't wait for my appetite to return. I mean, it's not like I live to eat but I just like to eat!
Update 30 Jan 2011
Oooh, I'm peckish again! yesh!
Had a thought yesterday while talking to Na. I forgot about it until now :p
Think this is the slimmest I'm ever going to be for the foreseeable future, in both weight and shape. I was expecting to gain weight after coming to Evanston but I didn't. In fact, I think I lost a little only to put it back on in Singapore. Now my relatively healthy home-cooked meals have made me lose that weight and that's that. I've reached the floor of my weight and shape in my adult life! This is *gasp* my own ISLB!! :p
Actually, I'm already at the ideal weight so I'm good. It doesn't matter that my preferred weight is 3kg down, cos I'm 31 and less concerned about such things! It helps that Sito doesn't really notice haha! :p
And, I just went for my second pilates lesson. The instructor must have a heavier butt than mine but look at how she moved! I must work on what cannot be seen instead..
The minimum preparation I need to get out of the house:
Back home in Sg, I could go out of the house wearing pretty much whatever I'm wearing, except PJs, although when I was a kid, I used to wear PJs to the market all the time! If I'm going to be anywhere indoors for an extended period of time, say shopping mall, I just stuff a cardigan or scarf into bag. It's ridiculously cold indoors.
In Oxford, I could make a quick exit just by pulling on a coat. Well, almost. I remember once as a fresher, I woke up to find myself 10 min away from the 9 am lecture. I literally rolled out of bed in my T-shirt and track pants, put on my sandals (!), grabbed my bag and coat, and I was out in under two minutes. Some trade-offs though - didn't wear a bra (just keep the coat on!), didn't wash up or brush teeth and hence didn't dare talk to people..
And here, in Evanston, I need five minutes minimally. Cos the room is always warm, I'm in Sg clothes or PJs most of the time. So I need to change into a lot of stuff - usually a top with an optional sweater depending on the top, tights and a skirt or a pair of jeans depending on what shoes I wear - I can't wear jeans with my black boots; my fat calves have filled them to capacity. Then pull on the black or white boots, taking care not to catch the tights (and my skin!) if I'm wearing the black ones, before wrapping a scarf round my neck, putting on the heavy coat, AND grabbing my ear muffs and gloves then my bag. Late? Well, too bad! Cos I'm not going to freeze!
Kind of glad to read that the coldest should be over after January.. Can't wait :)
In the meantime, here's a really cute snowy cupcake outside a Macs in C-town- so winter isn't without its merits!
It's snowing outside. It's warm in here. I'm having cooked oats with raisins for breakfast. Sito is now back to sleep after being rudely awoken by me just now - we slept for more than eight hours cos I set the alarm wrongly. I don't know why the A/C unit is making noise but otherwise, it's a peaceful morning.
And I feel light. Light-hearted.
What a happy morning :)
我会酸。太久没运动，一开始运动就会酸。就连提购物带也是一种运动⋯⋯ 这看起来健壮的身子，太逊了！
我会干。从头皮到脚底，皮肤表皮每分每秒都在干掉、死掉，或者脱落，或者硬化。真该死的干燥空气。
我会肿。经期之前，武吉知马山快变成珠穆朗玛峰了！大姨妈一报到，马上又恢复了。伸缩性怎么那么好啊⋯⋯
我会胖。一不小心吃太多，不知不觉就会从脸胖到脚踝。这时为什么伸缩性就没那么好啊？！
今天，我又酸又干又肿，还吃了好一堆冰淇淋，第四“会”可能离我不远了⋯⋯
Not me :p
Just back from grocery shopping with M. This was the first time that I went grocery shopping somewhere that wasn't accessible by public transport.
But M drove..
For the first time in the US!
I wasn't scared. But if it was the other way round, she should be scared, hoho! Well, I must learn to eventually drive around here! The car-share here is so much better than that in Sg - enough free miles to drive for hours!
So we went to Aldi and Market Place on Oakton St, and got a lot of food at very affordable prices - too bad I went shopping yesterday as well so I missed out on cheaper fresh produce today.. Bought more frozen food instead :p
And see what we found in the freezer section!
Drool... M said she saw these in Chinatown before but never knew what they were. Good stuff :)
We tried to pump petrol twice on the way back. First time, we didn't know what to do - in Chile, some guys would help with the petrol; in Singapore, well, I don't know! Second time, somehow we couldn't get the driver ID to show so we had to give up! We didn't leave an empty fuel tank of course; it was just under a quarter full.. Then, cos we ran out of time, we parked the car at its lot and lugged all our food home with us - it was a lot for two of us!
But we did it.. Exercise for the week - checked. Frozen food for six months - checked!
Eight for the coming CNY!
1)
I'm kind of grateful that it's winter here - the gorilla mf is well hidden under jeans or tights! I'll see how long I can tahan before I must shave. Wait, I don't have a shaver. Looks like I'm going to be comparable to Sito before long!
2)
Presentable feet finally! I have been using my very expensive scrub and moisturiser from Nail Palace for the past two weeks. My soles are no longer cracking as much, and the old cracks are healing pretty well :) I was very glad cos pilates instructor held my feet during the lesson, phew! It could have been really disgusting for her and embarrassing for me!
3)
Was doing some really simple mat work like lifting legs when Sito walked in.
Sito: That's pilates?
mf: Um, ya, I'm starting from basics..
Oh yes, I do a lot more in my semi-private lesson at US$40 an hour!
4)
Watch The King's Speech with the girls on Tuesday. Simply adore the scene where the BBC broadcaster prepared himself for reading the news! And of course, Colin Firth :)
5)
A couple of weeks ago, I saw a woman taking a photo of a bare shrub. When I walked nearer, I realised that the shrub was full of fat sparrows! I didn't have my camera with me though.. And today on the way back from the supermarket, I saw those fat sparrows perched on the same shrub again! And again, no camera.. But I told them they were cute.
6)
Bought B&J today - two for US$5, of course must buy! We have lost count of the number of tubs of ice cream we've had since August last year..
7)
Happily brought my new grocery cart to a further supermarket today, with full intention to stock up on frozen food! It was folded in my bag on the way there. On the way back, I realised that it was made for a shorter person *.*
8)
And I forgot to buy potatoes. So I went to the nearer but more expensive supermarket to get some. Then Sito told him he wasn't going for the evening events anymore - one cancelled and one not necessary. In that case, actually I wouldn't have needed the potatoes to make chicken pie which could easily be kept warm in oven. Bah.
Anyway, time to start cooking!
S and I went for our first semi-private pilates lesson today and we were pretty excited about it. Little did we know that the journeys to and from the studio were also going to be very exciting!
It wasn't too cold, thankfully. But it was freaking slippery! As I approached the traffic light, I saw a girl slip on the other side of the road. And I was reminded that WY fell in Chicago years ago and suffered a hairline fracture on her tail bone.. Only one thought consumed me for the rest of the walk - don't slip!
Oh but slide I did! I almost couldn't come to a stop at the next traffic light! Think I literally slid a foot or so!
Anyway, I reached the studio in one piece.. Pilates turned out to be less of an adventure in comparison.. The mat was tough for me as usual - couldn't do all the roll-ups and leg lifts etc. But the reformer was good - I could do all the exercises and feel the stretch. Hopefully I can improve with time :)
Then, we had to head home, and we were dreading it.. We started sliding after a few steps! Held on to each other for dear life... No, we would only get sore from pilates and not get bruised from falling down! We turned into a small alley - tarmac instead of brick pavement, a lot more friction.. But we hit an icy patch just as a car pulled to a stop in front of us, kindly waiting for us to pass it. So we steadied ourselves with the car :p .. We said sorry! :p
Luckily, both of us got back safely..
Time to ditch the pretty boots for the ugly snow boots! Ok la, actually my snow boots aren't that ugly, just super chunky and a difficult all-white!
