临睡遐想

小孩篇
（即妈妈幻想篇）

我还小，很小，醒着的时间不能太长，要不我太困了，很难入眠。可是醒着的时间老是不够我又喝又拉又学习又玩耍。这个世界有好多东西等着我去摸索，单是小房间里的玩具书本已令我流连忘返，还有最熟悉的你，我再累有时也舍不得睡。就算困了想睡，我一个人也还不会一躺下就睡着。现在的我只能完全依赖你⋯⋯

不过你放心，我会慢慢成长，慢慢学习，有一天我会独立的。在那一天到来之前，妈妈，辛苦你了！

妈妈篇

白天哄他睡，而他又闹又不肯睡时，我会觉得这小孩怎么这么烦，明明都累了却不睡。可是到了晚上他睡了，象现在他已经睡了两个小时，我就会很想很想他，临睡前一定要轻轻推开房门，躲在房门的一角偷看他是否睡得香甜。有时半夜醒来，发现都几点了，怎么他还没把我叫醒，尽管庆幸他睡得很熟，却又忍不住要去查看查看。

曾几何时，他只是我身体里的一块肉。现在他是他自己了，喜欢就睡，不喜欢就也拿他没办法。其实想想，当初他也是不按牌理，喜欢就睡，喜欢就踢。原来，小孩从一开始就是他自己的，付与生命者也不可能一辈子牵着这双好奇的小手。我也不能忽略承诺＂执子之手，与子偕老＂的另一个他⋯⋯

可是我心爱的小孩还只是个小孩，对我是百分百的依赖。所以啊小孩，妈妈会一直陪着你，和你一起学习，直到你不需要我时时刻刻在你身边，直到你可以一个人展翅高飞去。

晚安了。

Lovely long weekend :)

Sito spends three full days at home :))

On Friday, we went to Expo for a baby fair, bought small stuff like bottles and wet wipes. The greatest take-away was ZK's looks in the car seat:

He was quiet and looking out of the window..



Then he fell asleep!



On the way home, he seemed so happy :)



But he started crying halfway back *.*

And yesterday, we crossed the 14-hour mark! Woohoo! He napped a record of four hours in three naps since being weaned from the sling. In the past week, I have found that two particular sets of PJs are very good at putting him to sleep - he tugs and pulls at them until he nods off or turns really sleepy. Yesterday, I stuffed the pacifier into his mouth when he was very sleepy. He grabbed on to it and dozed off :)



And when I left his side, he went spread eagle - no space for mama! Grrr!



Baby spa that day was good - we were the first to arrive and by the time we left, the usual crying babies weren't even there yet! But ZK wasn't happy that day; had to have his pacifier..



Turned out that he was sleepy - he dozed off on the way to lunch at Clementi Mall. And when he woke and nursed, Sito took him into his arms. ZK started babbling to Papa :)



The father-and-son bonding carried on at home. Sito read a bit of the preface to Iliad to ZK. Um, great choice of literature??



After good naps the whole day, he slept really well last night! He woke after almost nine hours to feed, and didn't cry until he woke. And even then, he was only making baby sounds while exploring his hands. Love it when he wakes so peacefully. A few days ago, I was trying to sneak in to sweep his room but found him wide awake, exploring his little hands - super cute :) And whenever he wakes peacefully, he will smile and coo when I greet him :)

So I mentioned earlier that ZK can turn onto his left. Finally captured it :) And yesterday, he also turned onto his right!



Went out for lunch with Stef on Thursday and she took some pictures of us. Thought ZK looked fat here! :p



Ending off with a video of ZK taking his afternoon nap yesterday - the pacifier had dropped but the sucking continued!! :p



Now he's scolding his mobiles as usual. Gonna get him before he gets angry... Today will be a stay-at-home day, just relaxing on a Sunday to recharge for the next week :)

Update 4 Nov 2012

We had McDelivery yay! :)

No more hungry boy?

Hmmm, ZK's last feed was at 4 am. When he woke at 8.45 am, I thought he would be ravenous. But no, he took a nice little poop - no blowout woohoo! - and let me clean him up. And now, he is just playing on his baby gym, showing no sign of hunger... So I was right to just let him cry at 6 am!

I highly suspect his sometimes-hourly feeds in the day are more because he needs comfort from lack of naps than hunger. Poor boy... Let's see if we can improve his naps today...

So funny, he's talking to the bell mobile, seemingly berating it for not yielding to him. Pull harder, little one! :) And now, turn more if you want to see yourself in the mirror! :)

Enjoying the morning :)

mf the time stealer

Yes, I'm a time stealer, stealing time when ZK naps or plays on his own!

Just finished cutting kiwis :) This morning, I managed some laundry.. And now this, sharing photos..

He has become rather taken with DD - kept looking and sometimes babbling at it :)



And the car seat base finally arrived after almost two months - thanks to Yan! :) Now he can sit more comfortably in his car seat without the seat belt going across his chubby thighs.



He woke up happy on Sunday! With DD next to him :) I've removed XX and HH as he's very into grabbing things now - don't want him to put them over his face..

"I'm not wearing a dress; it's my sleep sack!"



Had a family dinner at the new Xin Wang HK Cafe downstairs - can see Sito in the mirror taking this pic :p



And he was so good during his bath time :)

"My body is the size of two palms."



But he didn't sleep too well that night. He slept at 8+, woke at 4.30 am to feed and then at 5 am to fuss until day break! He didn't go back to sleep; I just changed him and fed him, hoping he would sleep. He did - for 5 min *.* But at 10 plus, when I wasn't feeding him and was so tired that I was drifting in and out of sleep with him playing with my clothes next to me, he fell asleep on his own with barely a sound!

My dear little boy, can you do that more often and earlier please?? :)

ZK was such a happy baby that afternoon though - of course la, had to give him his FOURTH shirt of the day due to poop and pee! - that I thought we could go out for a walk :) We walked to HSBC to sort out my ATM card - no park within walking distance for a real stroll.. On the way back, passing by Starbucks, I couldn't help it anymore - I had a decaf java chip light! Soooo good! Really reminded me of 3Q 2008..

ZK fell asleep in Starbucks - must be the fragrance :)

Then we went to the shopping centre. I wanted to get some vitamins and just walked a little more to finish up the drink as I was going to Cold Storage later. In the end, I bought nothing :p

ZK woke in Cold Storage - blame the loud music and renovation works going on! But he had a good 30 min nap by then.

Decided to wash his hair when we got back so that he could have a more relaxing bath time later. And true enough, he cried during the shampoo *.* Here are some funny photos of him when I was rubbing his scalp with olive oil - his cradle cap returned!

He would go from this...



... And this while I rubbed his scalp...



Ok, last one!



... to a wide smile with a "hehhh"!



Not the widest as it was so hard to capture.. Anyway, I was busy smiling back at him :) Much rather see with my own eyes and interact with him. That's why we have very few photos of him smiling.. Nvm, more opportunities in future :)

Simple Saturday :)

ZK woke very hungry! But no choice - I had to change his 12-hour-old diaper! After nursing in bed, he started his usual straining... But no poop yet... Then, well, I farted ^.^

mf: Oooh, that was mama... How about ZK?

And what do you know, he lifted his legs and let rip a similar tiny fart! Hoho! Ya, I'm sure that was only coincidental but it was hilarious then!

Had a little accident just before his nap time - he fell off his floor bed onto the baby gym!! I got to him a split second late :( Felt so bad :( Held him and cuddled him for a while. The brave boy stopped crying soon - think he was more scared than in pain. It was a timely reminder to keep a close watch at all times, especially since he would be turning over any time - today, he actually turned onto his left and then rolled back!

Taken a few minutes before he got to the edge..



Had lunch with LS and Jon after baby spa before adjoining to dessert when SX joined us. ZK struggled a little so I let him out of the sling and set him on the table. And he pooped! Loudly! It was pretty funny and embarrassing at the same time. Bade farewell to the group - nice catching up, especially the Oxford stuff and um, Jon's 冲凉歌! - and went in search of a baby room.

My lunch!



Came home to some play time in his room. It's so nice to be with him like that - simply lying on the mat and waving XX and HH in front of him was enough to make him happy for quite a while. And after a couple of weeks of not babbling much to me, he was fighting to speak today! :)

Sito reached home at 7-ish just as ZK was falling asleep. Time for me to spend time with my other boy!

As it was raining, we cooked! He made instant noodles in a gigantic pot - we don't remember that pot being so big haha! I made a big omelette for myself and had that with two slices of bread. Then he ate in front of the TV while I ate at the dinning table!! But it was strangely nice - like Evanston, I suppose, when he was often the one having instant noodles for supper.

And now, he's playing games on his phone while I blog right next to him! Um, maybe we should have some ice cream - together :)

The good and the bad of bringing ZK out

The good:

1) Feed and satisfy ZK's growing curiosity about the world.

2) Expose him to people and varied environments.

3) Show off my cute baby!

4) See the kindness in people who offer me seats on public transport

The bad:

And that's what really prompted this post.

I was very VERY pissed with the woman at the baby spa today. Don't put in infant care so young, will fall ill, better to let grandmother take care a few more months, don't breastfeed in infant care, wean from four months blah blah blah...

I was already polite enough to give short replies in an attempt to end her comments but she kept harping!! What I really wanted to scream say was:

WHAT I DECIDE TO DO WITH MY KID HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! YOU THINK I WILL LET HIM SUFFER MEH? MEH?? MEH??!

Compared to the above, random sales persons and service staff touching ZK's head and talking around me and disrupting my shopping and meals seem rather trivial!

And I must really defend infant care or institutional care in general; this is part of what I worked on for two years some years back.

These days, with both parents working, caring for young children typically fall on grandparents, nannies, maids and childcare centres. Good, reliable nannies and maids are simply hard to find. Good childcare can be expensive. Parents tend to be more comfortable handing their kids over to the grandparents.

But people are getting married and having kids later. This means that grandparents today are older than grandparents of yesteryears. It is one thing to play with grandkids a few hours a week or babysit on an ad hoc manner, and another to take care of them the whole time. Beyond the physical, modern grandparents also have their own life or are still working. I know for sure that I won't want to care for my grandkids full-time - I'll be too old, I may have different parenting approach from the parents, and I want grandparenthood, i.e. play with the grandkids (and return to the parents when they cry hoho!), and not a second parenthood!

More importantly, institutional care offers an educational component and the chance for kids to interact with other kids besides basic care. For me, this alone beats all other forms of non-parental care arrangements. I believe that this sector can only grow in quality and importance given our social trends. The problem is escalating costs associated with better quality, and the question is how to pay for it.

A mini reflection of this blog

Just now, the little one fell asleep after fighting sleep for two hours!! I was so frustrated at one point that I scolded him. “为什么你不睡觉？？你看你的眼睛都累到红了，还不睡觉？！” Didn't know if he understood.. He just kept alternating between whining and crying. Perhaps he expected to nap in the sling like he did yesterday - so shiok.. The last time I put him down after rocking him, he also woke and fussed but I guess he also couldn't take it anymore - he started to drift off as I went about shhh-ing him.

I really don't wish to scold him - I hated being scolded when I was a kid - but I was really so frustrated! During his short 40-min nap, he cried out once - perhaps dreaming about being scolded? So sad :( So I must control myself - rather than lashing out at him, I should reason with him. I don't want him to remember his mama always chiding him. I can always come here to vent my frustration.

This blog has accompanied me for many years. I've logged my mundane existence. I've shared crazy and random snippets. I've poured out my thoughts and emotions. When I re-read my old posts, some of which I don't even remember writing, I thought, this is like me, archived. What would I be if I can't be true to myself??

I'm too used to Sito being available almost the whole time in the past two years and to pouring out to him quite exclusively. After all, he's my life partner right?! These days, with him busy at work and often overseas, I find myself turning to mf-ism more often. I don't talk a lot usually so apart from chatting with Sito, writing is my main channel of expression. And I like that it documents everything unlike speech which remains only in the mind of the listener.

I think I'll have no qualms letting my kids read mf-ism in future when they're old enough to understand. Their understanding of their mama - and papa too, since he's a long-time resident of this blog - shouldn't start from when they become conscious of themselves and the world. And hey, their parents used to party too before they become old fogeys! If we ever become old fogeys :)

While he's nursing..

I blog!

Today, we went to Gardens by the Bay again. And ZK met a new friend - SX-jiejie!



Actually they kind of met the last time but they were taking turns to sleep or nurse. This time both were awake and they shook hands!

We were supposed to go onto the skywalk but it was too hot.. The Flower Dome was great though, we nursed there before heading for the autumn exhibit.

"Please do not step in" :)



There were also barrels of pumpkins. I didn't see the "do not touch" sign and picked a few up to see if they were real :p (They were!)

Found this throne - feel like 慈禧太后 and 同治 :p



Now, let's go back to the weekend for more photos!

"Hey Papa, why don't you wake up to play with me??"



"Nvm, I play with Mama who always put this pink metallic toy in front of me.."



ZK grabbed XX and fell asleep :) And just now, he actually grabbed HH and put it in his mouth! Think XX kena that weeks ago but this time, it felt more intentional..



Better size for the carrier now, especially with better head control.



And Papa took ZK on the way home from Mum's! First time being carried by Papa chest to chest!



Oh, and while we were there, we saw a photo of baby Sito with the same crew cut and pouting - ZK looks just like that when he pouts! :) But we both agree that ZK is and will be better looking than either of his parents! Fine, proud papa and mama speaking :)

He wore a new onesie today. After the gardens, he had a nasty blowout - the onesie is being soaked now...



I assembled his new play mat yesterday :) And I put some toys on it with him. This is with DD - no prize for guessing what that stands for!



He was very excited beckoning at HH until he spat up milk *.*



As mentioned earlier, I collected his name stamp alreasy - here it is! Liuli glass with a dragon on top plus the ink pad. When I was at the office, there were so many bags awaiting collection, including a Vietnamese name! Good business.. This one costs some $230!

Shhh...

Barely 30 minutes after posting about my after hours, I went in to do my final check on him and happened to see him jump on hearing Sito's sneeze. He calmed down straight away but when the second sneeze came, he jolted awake and cried so tragically! Since it was almost three hours since his last feed, I nursed him back to sleep.

Last night, he woke at 1 am, fed, and slept for 20 min before suddenly crying out again. We let him cry for five minutes, visited him to calm him down, let him crying for another 10 min, and visited again to calm him down again. Silence as I left his room. After some rustling through the baby monitor, he fell asleep until almost 6 am.

Now, he's peacefully napping on his bed. I think I've figured out a way for him to nap on his bed without me. It worked three times yesterday. He slept for 50 min for his morning nap - not a lot but it was significantly more than his usual ~15 min on his own!

So, first, I nurse or rock him with a pacifier until he's asleep. Then, I put him down on the bed. He will surely stir. I'll pin his arms down! Or go to the pacifier step. He may even wake totally. If he wakes, I'll sing 小白船 endlessly!!! Or if he wants to play, like just now, I'll sit back and let him play a bit. When he starts to whine, it's time for the pacifier.

I pop the pacifier in, and start my endless "shhh" - it must be a looong "shhh" - and pat his chest simultaneously. Got this idea from here. I think my lips may stay seriously pouty if I keep going "shhh" all the time *.* But that seems to make him drowsy. In fact, just shhh-ing alone will work once he gets drowsy. When he closes his eyes, he may still jerk awake a little. Nvm, I just keep shhh-ing and guess what, he'll shut his eyes again! Then I can leave him.

And if he stirs later or open his eyes, I make sure the pacifier is in and shhh him again. When he's very very asleep, he'll drop the pacifier or loosen his bite so that I can easily remove it. No fear of having to replace it throughout the nap! Actually he doesn't seem to have formed a sleep association with it but to be safe, I don't use the pacifier for night time.

23 continuous minutes now! Mama is happy that ZK seems to be on the way to good naps :)

Papa has gone to rehearse a dance for his company retreat. I'll bring ZK to swim when he wakes. Then, it's family lunch! :)

ZK is three months old!

Well, three months to me should be 12 weeks but it's not practical to track the weeks so let's just use the 12th of each month :)

He had two shots at his three-month check-up on 9 Oct - a 5-in-1 and pneumococcus, one in each chubby thigh. He also had to swallow a cold and sweet rotavirus vaccine. Brave boy! :) (And the vaccines were expensive - $125, $180 and $105)

I asked the doc a lot of questions. As usual, everything was normal. I saw how he rubbed ZK's crusty belly button so I'm now not afraid to clean it well now! Love to clean my own pi zai, heh :p Doc also said that all the crusty bits behind his ears, his ear wax and his cradle cap are all, as I understand, "baby things" which he would outgrow.

That afternoon, I was trying to sing him to sleep when all of a sudden, I saw dark brown ear wax loose in his ear! It was sticky and honestly quite gross *.* I told Carmen who was cleaning at that time and she said that maybe he liked music.... Literally 听出耳油! :p

Anyway, in the past couple of weeks, he found his left hand and started sucking on it. He's also using it a lot to swipe at the mobiles. He can also grab things now. He likes to grab clothes placed on his naked chest or pulls at his top if he's wearing a two-piece. He doesn't grab XX when placed on his chest but he had been grabbing XX and HH* a bit when he wakes in the morning. A few days ago, he grabbed my hair *.*

* Btw I just realised HH is no tiger - it's got leopard prints! What was I thinking?! Time to think of a new name...

He has cute little hands. I thought they look very reptilian *,* Maybe cos of the folds amid super smooth skin? :p



Recently, he prefers sitting to lying down. Of course he can't sit up on his own yet so he sits on my arm propped up against my chest.

But this is his fave:



So cute right?! Haha! I started doing that to encourage him to hold up his head since he absolutely hates tummy time. Then I realised he enjoys it! His head is still wobbly but doc said he had good head control so all's good.

More of ZK on the sofa.. I always tell him that he's a big baby sitting up! :)

What expression was that?! Cute though :)



And playing with HH:



As for me, I had my two-month check-up on 27 Sep. All's fine. Uterus tiny, PAP smear normal. Doc also showed me a line in my womb - the site where ZK was attached to me :)

Finally, he's 6.35kg and measures 63cm :) I'm at the same height of course but 2kg heavier than pre-pregnancy :p

Shall end with a rare shot of ZK and me together, taken by CY at our tea on Wednesday - yet another wonderful shot of ZK sticking out his tongue!

After hours

Oooh, blogging a lot today! And only this one is at breakneck typing speed on the iPad cos ZK is sleeping and Sito is home! (iPad goes with Sito...)

ZK slept before 7.30 pm, what an achievement! But he's been cranky these three evenings.. Wondering whether it's the vaccination on Tuesday or the accumulation of bad naps in the past week of sling weaning.. Let's hope he naps more and get less cranky...

Yesterday, I dug out my old Pilates mat and did a short routine after ZK went to bed. Did it again just now while waiting for Sito to pack dinner. I'm thinking that it's about time I dig out our PlayStation Move and alternate that with Pilates. Hello, flat tummy tight cheeks fitness! :)

Besides exercising, I hope to cook every evening as well. It will be a later dinner than what I'm used to but I figure that's going to happen once I start work anyway. The difference is that I'll be hungrier when I start work cos a working brain takes more energy.. I'm planning to have a big tea time snack in office - Milo and some cookies or a muffin :) Ahhh, the wonders of breastfeeding - I can eat (almost) all I want!

And after doing the above, I can be fairly confident that ZK won't wake during my shower; if he does, it's usually within 20 min of falling asleep. So I can enjoy my shower instead of rushing through! Maybe I can even use up my facial masks!

I don't usually watch TV so it's off to bed after a good shower. Sometimes with ice cream ^.^ And I'll relax on my iPhone while waiting for Sito to call or Skype if he's able to. Or I sleep and leave the ringer on if he's late. I try to sleep baby hours - as soon as I can after he's gone to bed, usually around 10 pm. And I'll be all ready to nurse him when he needs me.

Oh, last night, I slept until 4 am, and woke in pain! I was leaking milk on the right and it was so swollen all the way to the tip that the whole thing was stiff! I couldn't bear to pump - must be painful! - so I expressed a bit by hand just to make it easier for ZK to latch on later. My timing was quite good; he woke about 30 min later. Engorgement relieved!

Today, he fed at very good intervals since his 4.45 am feed - every three to four hours except the last feed before he slept; only one hour had passed since his evening feed as I gave him the boob to soothe his crankiness. Hope the hourly feeds remain little and infrequent :) I'm now looking forward to every nursing session as it's becoming more manageable - and of cos he's super cute from that angle! How privileged I am :)

A decent conversation with Mother

Met her for lunch today. As usual, telling me what to do blah blah blah, but at least we had a decent conversation that was actually, and surprisingly, quite enjoyable. The last time that happened was some 10 years ago when I was in Oxford!

Today, there was no gossip about her neighbours and whatnot. We talked about pleasant decades-old stuff instead. How we were cloth-diapered (she didn't "dare" to use disposables..), how much we used to poop (a bit at a time but very frequent!), how we pooped (apparently never a nasty blowout!), how long she kept our umbilical cords and hair for (more than 20 years!), YQ's baby contest etc..

One particular point stuck with me - she didn't have any help taking care of all three of us; both my grandmothers were working and there was never a maid in the house. We must have slept very well for her to have time to cook all meals, scrub the cloth diapers and handwash all the clothes since she didn't have a washing machine until I was old enough to remember! She even practised elimination communication while breastfeeding!! Of course she didn't use that term but yes, what she described was EC, no doubt..

Which makes me think - high-needs babies aside, why do so many mummies these days seem to need so much help? Yes, most mummies of our generation work. But things should be manageable during maternity leave and for stay-at-home mums right? I still remember this Chinese girl who left her infant son with her mum to join her husband in Evanston - she said she couldn't have taken care of her son on her own. But her mum on her own could take care of her son for her?? And gee, it's her own son!!

Well, to each her own, I guess. But I believe that the mum is the best caregiver for her baby. Seems a bit contradictory since I'm going to put him in infant care! But I have to work too to give our kids a better life. And I'm probably headed for a family-friendly job that should allow me to take care of ZK outside infant care hours. Kiasu me is already starting to plan my daily schedule - need to rehearse before I start work!

At night, ZK is now sleeping well enough for both of us. He's not napping as well but he napped a bit on his bed this morning and just now. I hope it gets better and he can nap longer on his bed. Slowly, I should be able to do more things in the house - just hope that it's not so slow that I will have gone back to work!

Anyway, so ZK drank while we ate. And when I burped him, out came a big gulp of milk! Mother carried him while I cleaned us up, and as I was getting the bill, he decided to give 外婆 a gift - he had a poop blowout! A yellow patch quickly spread on his white onesie, and Mother's skirt got a little wet! Thankfully her skirt was black so it wasn't obvious but everyone saw ZK's stain. We met kind-hearted people on the way to the family room in HDB Hub to wipe him down and change him before going to collect his name stamp at Lor 8.

Sito is home now :) but he has a call to make.. I'd better bathe ZK before then as he will scream the house down during his shampoo!!

Floated to the skies and dropped back down..

...all in the span of five minutes..

Just now on the MRT, a random auntie commented that my baby sling looked useful. She went on to ask about ZK's age.

Auntie: Huh, three months only ah? So big! And you look good for three months!
mf: Thanks, first one la..
Auntie: My ex-colleague looked like a mother of five after her first.. You have good genes!

What do I say? Smile lor, haha!

And I left the train to change lines.. On the way to the circle line, a tai tai asked me if she was headed the right way. Then a foreign worker passing by decided that I knew my directions so he turned back to ask me too.

FW: Auntie! Kranji this way?

AUNTIE??!!! He must be 30 years old!!

The tai tai hesitated for a while and left when she realised he was calling me.

Sighs! Ya, when I'm with ZK, I guess anyone can call me auntie *.*