Wednesday, 17 October 2012

A mini reflection of this blog

Just now, the little one fell asleep after fighting sleep for two hours!! I was so frustrated at one point that I scolded him. “为什么你不睡觉??你看你的眼睛都累到红了,还不睡觉?!” Didn't know if he understood.. He just kept alternating between whining and crying. Perhaps he expected to nap in the sling like he did yesterday - so shiok.. The last time I put him down after rocking him, he also woke and fussed but I guess he also couldn't take it anymore - he started to drift off as I went about shhh-ing him.

I really don't wish to scold him - I hated being scolded when I was a kid - but I was really so frustrated! During his short 40-min nap, he cried out once - perhaps dreaming about being scolded? So sad :( So I must control myself - rather than lashing out at him, I should reason with him. I don't want him to remember his mama always chiding him. I can always come here to vent my frustration.

This blog has accompanied me for many years. I've logged my mundane existence. I've shared crazy and random snippets. I've poured out my thoughts and emotions. When I re-read my old posts, some of which I don't even remember writing, I thought, this is like me, archived. What would I be if I can't be true to myself??

I'm too used to Sito being available almost the whole time in the past two years and to pouring out to him quite exclusively. After all, he's my life partner right?! These days, with him busy at work and often overseas, I find myself turning to mf-ism more often. I don't talk a lot usually so apart from chatting with Sito, writing is my main channel of expression. And I like that it documents everything unlike speech which remains only in the mind of the listener.

I think I'll have no qualms letting my kids read mf-ism in future when they're old enough to understand. Their understanding of their mama - and papa too, since he's a long-time resident of this blog - shouldn't start from when they become conscious of themselves and the world. And hey, their parents used to party too before they become old fogeys! If we ever become old fogeys :)

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