Dark, rainy Saturday

Did some planning and packing most of the day. When the skies cleared, I popped out to get some stuff for the trip. As luck would have it, I waited half an hour for the stupid bus which originated from a terminal only some 5/10min away. In that half hour, it started pouring again. I was very tempted to turn back about five minutes before the bus finally came; I could go tomorrow or Mon. Was really very very irritated by then as I was already not feeling too good today.

That's choosing the easier way out.

You could call me an escapist. I don't deny that; I can't.

Anyway, I was so pissed off that I didn't move though I wanted to. So I held out just long enough. Bus came, I got to Bishan, bought a T-shirt, a pair of sneakers and a little bag* to improvise as a CD holder. But those weren't enough. Packed a crispy chicken chop** to eat on the way back. Rain had stopped but the streets were still wet. Ok, so I cabbed back. $4. Washed down the chicken with a packet drink from the fridge. Not satisfied. Saw a Kitty marshmallow on my bed. Why was it there? Couldn't remember. So it became a sacrifice. Then I recalled: it's for Na. It was put on top of the envelop of yen which was for her. Ok, glad I have more of those.

* First I told the girl I had a 包包 on the counter. Then I waved the plastic bag away and said I didn't need a 袋袋. What's with the baby talk?! 包包 is acceptable but 袋袋 is really over the top hur? Mind wasn't really working then so maybe that's the real me?

** Second time I bought that. First time, friend shared with me. This time, it was really really filling. Too filling. Still yummy but no longer a novelty..

So what's with the retail therapy-cum-comfort eating?

Truth is, I woke up feeling dazed today, like something wasn't quite right. Later it hit me. I've been mean last night. Cruel and to the point. Suffice to say I now feel a certain void. No point describing or explaining anything else.

Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Sometimes, having tulips between the ears is a blessing. But sometimes, some things need to be thought through and understood. I'm glad I have eight days on my own in Japan to have a good think about things that I should have thought about ages ago.

Meanwhile, I recognise myself as an escapist, as mentioned earlier. And I live for the moment sometimes, like, if the fear of something current outweighs that of something in the future, which, if it happens, might be unbearable, I choose to act on the former. That is despite always believing that I like to plan for the future. Another sign that I should start my personal review real soon.

Was chatting earlier. Yan reiterated karma, cause and effect. I'm beginning to believe that one day, someone will be cruel to me as I've been. She also believed in horoscopes. She's a Leo, and her bf, a Capricorn. She asked me if I sometimes fall into the Capricorn mould of being, well, capricious. Yes, I do. Na asked if I would walk her path, the one where she said she's incapable of feeling love, if I'm not already on it. I didn't think so. Now I wonder if I will indeed, being capricious? I certainly hope not.

Feeling like shit cos I think I've been thinking too much today, with nothing conclusive. Actually, I don't know why I bother with thinking now. A conclusion was already reached last night. What's the point? I don't even know what I want to achieve by activating my brain.. So I should stop.

I stop HERE.