久病成医？

那天早上起床时，就听到某韩剧女主角的一段话。我不知道是哪部韩剧。因为电视在床旁，早上和晚上都零零碎碎的看了些许，象是那女的不知怎的欠了那男的一笔钱，而他便要求与她“契约恋爱” 以摆脱家人的纠缠。典型韩剧吧。可是我蛮喜欢那女生的，有点儿胖，又喜欢烘蛋糕，象我！:p (就连手机铃声都是一样的！Samsung嘛……)

在“契约”初期一次不如意的早晨，她一边烘蛋糕，一边想：

身体对心说：“我生病的时候有医生医疗。你生病时，有谁为你治病？”
心回答身体：“我生病了，只有自己可以把自己医好。”
有些人心痛的时候会喝酒，有些人会唱歌……我心痛了，就想早起，到厨房做糕点。没有比这样更香甜的医疗方法了。

我一直记着这段话。我想，每个人都有自成一套的所谓coping mechanism吧。留学时期就已经发现家务和烹饪对我来说是一种therapy。我喜欢把桌上的文具等重摆，老爱花上大把时间小心翼翼的把每一件衣物熨好烫好，更热衷于下厨。

记得最后那年，考试压力特别重，因此特别用功。在一个没有心情K书的午后，我烦得要命，就跑到厨房做了一个巧克力蛋糕。因为是临时想做的，冰箱里的牛油不够，我用了近半杯的菜油取代，是一个无敌发胖毒药！而我竟因为心烦，当场就吃下了四分之三！(开动前已分了四分之一给在场的邻居。如果她不在，恐怕我就把整个蛋糕吞了！)

又一次，为dissertation而烦，把冰箱里的食物都拿出来煮了！一个人，五六道肉啊菜啊，眼见吃不完了，幸好当时寄宿我家的朋友回来，陪我吃了一大半，剩下的都留着当隔天的午餐。(吃，也是一种疗程。可是东西吃多了会腻，煮菜做家务却不会；至少我对煮菜家务还没腻！)

前阵子，我常在周末下厨，煮些意大利面，回味留学时代的感觉，也在繁忙的空档里自得其乐一番。刚过去的圣诞，在朋友家大煮一顿，虽然没有象以前那样摆得老大一桌，也乐的很。

(I’m too damn slow typing in Chinese!)

Lately, I’ve been having depressing and sometimes morbid thoughts. Or maybe these evil thoughts crawl into my head, a result of a weak mind..? But no excuse for myself! Despite an exhibited optimism to the world at large, I must admit that my innate pessimism (think my sad CDs which I love so much) is beginning to manifest itself and way too often these days.

I’m glad, though, that I have some tools to make myself feel better, to clear my mind. Although I seldom have the chance to cook in the house these days (time and poor adaptability to using only one lonely hob), I make it a point do my own ironing every week or two, weekend mornings, when people are taking the chance to sleep in. This is healthier than years back, when, as a child, I used to dig my fingernails into my arms when I was really upset or angry - repressed kid, no loud outburst, everything was inward. Anyway, that was a passing phase..

Point is, I don’t want to walk around looking like the world owes me something - if I do, you have to hit me on my head! 敲敲敲敲我的头！ – or as if I’m the saddest person in the world, cos I’m not. I want to appear happy so people around me will feel happy too, but to do that, I cannot be unhappy internally. Actually it’s a cycle la: if I make myself look happy, I can infect myself too. Right? Yes, I think so :)

Nvm, yet another random outburst due to fiction...