In case you're wondering about all these "sequels", well, I was rushing off to watch TV yesterday :p I know, I could have saved draft.. Ah well, nvm :)
So, I give up taste for smell.
Have you ever smelled the morning? I mean, early morning? Say, one day, try waking up at day break, when it's just beginning to get bright. Go to an open window, look at the trees in front of you (there has to be at least one tree - this is so-called green city) and take a deep breath.. Feel the air pass through your respiratory tract. Smelled the morning yet? Close your eyes and take a second breath..
The mornings were always cool - I would shiver as I prepared to go to school. The sky was just starting to brighten up as I left the house. Those times, outside smelled of either grass or haze. On the way to Dunearn Road, I would endure the strange smell often present in air-conditioned buses, if I were on one. Else, the wind gushing past the open window was always sweet.
It was freaking early that winter Sat morning. Sky was still greyish blue. I smelled High Street. Stale beer from the Fri night. I could see my breath condensing in the cold. Darn, the guy's late and we've got a bus to catch.. I took some pictures as I waited at, was it St Mary's Passage? The sign actually didn't appear (and disappear and appear again) until two or three years later.
When was the last time you smelled a stale room, a room locked for too long, empty and unused? I love it. It meant a new academic year. It meant returning to my old room after a long backpacking trip. It meant coming back to something familiar. The smell disappeared upon inhabitation, supplanted by a more powerful scent which was elusive to me - visitors claimed my rooms had this smell (?!), this fragrance (thank goodness!). I realised later it was my many bottles of perfume and I was too accustomed to them to smell anything.
I still love Aqua di Gio, its connotations notwithstanding. And Pleasures too, I'm always generous with that on myself. Perhaps a bit too generous.
Freshly baked bread - it may be Sainsbury's economy! - and chocolate, they are reminders of my baking days. The sweet smell of custard I used for my popular Portuguese egg tarts would hang in the tiny kitchen for hours. Oh, slightly burnt toast from ground floor toaster - think it belonged to friend-tutmate-neighbour who simply wiped his Teflon pan after frying his steak!
I don't know what else but my nose triggers off all these recollections from childhood to recent past. Memories, I've learnt, are never forgotten; they are simply locked until someone or something happens to knock on the floodgate, releasing them.
Monday, 28 February 2005
Hello, stranger 2
YX reminded me of the theme song to "Closer" so I did a google. Found an interesting review instead. Parts of it here:
"Closer depicts its men in a dismal, cynical light, but, if anything, the women’s fate is even worse. The men play power games in which they emotionally brutalize the women who are their helpless pawns, batted back and forth between lovers like a wounded mouse in the clutches of a cat. Men fight to possess women solely in order to assert their alpha-male status. Women don’t choose their partners; they are chosen. Their only power is in their ability to deceive."
"They are masochists who seem to get as much dirty pleasure out of being hurt and shamed as they do hooking up. No one really knows anyone else, but they don’t know themselves either, because there’s nothing to know. There’s nothing inside them; each is a cipher made to suffer and to hurt others."
"Closer gives us its distasteful view of relationships without comment, as if it were inevitable that men and women should behave this way."
Scary, isn't it? Think most of us have been too sheltered all this while.. Seems that there are lots of conceit and distrust everywhere..
"Closer depicts its men in a dismal, cynical light, but, if anything, the women’s fate is even worse. The men play power games in which they emotionally brutalize the women who are their helpless pawns, batted back and forth between lovers like a wounded mouse in the clutches of a cat. Men fight to possess women solely in order to assert their alpha-male status. Women don’t choose their partners; they are chosen. Their only power is in their ability to deceive."
"They are masochists who seem to get as much dirty pleasure out of being hurt and shamed as they do hooking up. No one really knows anyone else, but they don’t know themselves either, because there’s nothing to know. There’s nothing inside them; each is a cipher made to suffer and to hurt others."
"Closer gives us its distasteful view of relationships without comment, as if it were inevitable that men and women should behave this way."
Scary, isn't it? Think most of us have been too sheltered all this while.. Seems that there are lots of conceit and distrust everywhere..
Sunday, 27 February 2005
Smells
Read Na's blog on senses, was commenting but realised it got very long. So I post!
She decided if she die die had to give up one sense, it would be smell cos she wants to see, hear and touch. Losing smell is like losing taste since they're related but with the additional advantage that she doesn't have to smell garbage etc.
I choose to give up taste - I'll lose weight :p But smells! I think it's worth smelling shit once in a while in exchange for all the sweet smells there are.
There are times, in totally random situations, when random smells floating by will remind me of certain incidents, certain places, certain people, certain periods of my life. These smells are usually sweet, scents and fragrances. Like bacon and sausages, which reminds me of college food. Not that college food was great, but it was a wonderful time..
Then sometimes, even sewage smells (ok the less jia lat kind!) can bring back memories of Sun mornings with my paternal grandmother at the market, having nasi lemak and tea in a saucer - she used the cup and poured me a little and I lapped at it like a kitten - before heading to the swing for some fun. We would head home before 9 so I could catch Smurfs or Care Bears etc.
Ok, it's almost time to morph into Sun couch potato now.. I shall leave you with one last bite: with my sense of smell intact, I can tell when I really need to take a shower! Ha! I'm disgusting :p
She decided if she die die had to give up one sense, it would be smell cos she wants to see, hear and touch. Losing smell is like losing taste since they're related but with the additional advantage that she doesn't have to smell garbage etc.
I choose to give up taste - I'll lose weight :p But smells! I think it's worth smelling shit once in a while in exchange for all the sweet smells there are.
There are times, in totally random situations, when random smells floating by will remind me of certain incidents, certain places, certain people, certain periods of my life. These smells are usually sweet, scents and fragrances. Like bacon and sausages, which reminds me of college food. Not that college food was great, but it was a wonderful time..
Then sometimes, even sewage smells (ok the less jia lat kind!) can bring back memories of Sun mornings with my paternal grandmother at the market, having nasi lemak and tea in a saucer - she used the cup and poured me a little and I lapped at it like a kitten - before heading to the swing for some fun. We would head home before 9 so I could catch Smurfs or Care Bears etc.
Ok, it's almost time to morph into Sun couch potato now.. I shall leave you with one last bite: with my sense of smell intact, I can tell when I really need to take a shower! Ha! I'm disgusting :p
Hello, stranger
Wasn't about to log on today, cos I'm so totally engrossed in a book! But Na reminded me that I'm so going to forget all about it if I were to procrastinate any further. So, here goes "it"..
Watched "Closer" on Fri. Can't say I like it but I certainly do not dislike it and I can't help writing about it!
Oh, spoilers ahead, be warned.
First of all, Larry's a cocky bastard. At first I just thought he's a horny double-lived (aren't we all doing that? :p) doctor which was bored during shift work. Then all the shit questions he threw at Anna almost made me hate Owen but I did realise he's only playing Larry. And bastard or not, he's damn smart in manipulation and it seemed that he really loved Anna.
The other guy, Dan, was just weird. When he first appeared, I thought he was a very decent guy. But the very next scene, he was positively seducing Anna AND proclaiming he couldn't leave his gf Alice in almost the same breath. With Alice in the bathroom in the same place (actually smart girl was listening in) somemore. Then after failing to get Anna, he went back to Alice, like *snap* immediately. Damn confused guy if you ask me! And a bastard too, he hit Alice.
Anna loved Dan but married Larry and carried on her affair with Dan. Then after getting Larry to sign the divorce papers, she went back to him out of guilt. But hey, Larry ain't no saint; he had slept with Alice anyway!
The disturbing part was Alice. Jane, Alice - same. Her real name was Jane, revealed only at the end. This character totally disoriented me. She concealed her real name for four years from Dan. And she could, in a moment, tell Dan that she didn't love him anymore and that she's going to leave him. Then she left him. Alone, again, as at the start of the story. Maybe she was the saddest character of all. I didn't understand why she hid her own identity from even the one she supposedly loved so much.
Four lives entangled in a story on modern city life. Or is that really city life as I know it? Well, different cities and/or different lives, I guess.
My life. What is it actually? Recently, and for the record before this movie, I've decided I should review myself in an attempt to find out who I really am and what I really want. I always have this nagging suspicion that I'm concealing different parts of me from different people. Just wish to confirm or disprove this little theory. See how.
Watched "Closer" on Fri. Can't say I like it but I certainly do not dislike it and I can't help writing about it!
Oh, spoilers ahead, be warned.
First of all, Larry's a cocky bastard. At first I just thought he's a horny double-lived (aren't we all doing that? :p) doctor which was bored during shift work. Then all the shit questions he threw at Anna almost made me hate Owen but I did realise he's only playing Larry. And bastard or not, he's damn smart in manipulation and it seemed that he really loved Anna.
The other guy, Dan, was just weird. When he first appeared, I thought he was a very decent guy. But the very next scene, he was positively seducing Anna AND proclaiming he couldn't leave his gf Alice in almost the same breath. With Alice in the bathroom in the same place (actually smart girl was listening in) somemore. Then after failing to get Anna, he went back to Alice, like *snap* immediately. Damn confused guy if you ask me! And a bastard too, he hit Alice.
Anna loved Dan but married Larry and carried on her affair with Dan. Then after getting Larry to sign the divorce papers, she went back to him out of guilt. But hey, Larry ain't no saint; he had slept with Alice anyway!
The disturbing part was Alice. Jane, Alice - same. Her real name was Jane, revealed only at the end. This character totally disoriented me. She concealed her real name for four years from Dan. And she could, in a moment, tell Dan that she didn't love him anymore and that she's going to leave him. Then she left him. Alone, again, as at the start of the story. Maybe she was the saddest character of all. I didn't understand why she hid her own identity from even the one she supposedly loved so much.
Four lives entangled in a story on modern city life. Or is that really city life as I know it? Well, different cities and/or different lives, I guess.
My life. What is it actually? Recently, and for the record before this movie, I've decided I should review myself in an attempt to find out who I really am and what I really want. I always have this nagging suspicion that I'm concealing different parts of me from different people. Just wish to confirm or disprove this little theory. See how.
Friday, 25 February 2005
Constant change
Last night, I heard DJ say that her programme was ending soon. Huh? This morning, I heard from my two favourite DJs that it was their last morning. Oh dear.. Apparently, from Mon, it's going to be a new programme sheet, and a new team for each new slot.
Suddenly felt lost. When I first started to listen to 933 regularly, it was in JC and the morning show was hosted by Liyi and Junwei. After four years, I tuned in to the morning show again and it was Liyi and Zhiyong. From Mon, it will be Lingzhi and Chongqing going to work with me. But I'm used to listening to Chongqing and Mary on their evening show, and Lingzhi with her Music Diary at night! Wait, does that mean there's no more music diary? It accompanied my lunch hours in my third year..
I've never taken really well to changes. I mean, I can adapt, but it'll always feel different, a matter of liking. Like when I first came back for good, I adapted soon enough, but I missed Oxford like crazy. Still do. No problem when I first moved to Oxford cos I was leaving a distressing period of my life behind. Maybe I should say that if the change is for the better, I can take to it more easily than otherwise.
It's a bit contradictory, isn't it? Just a couple of days ago, I was complaining that life is too routine. Now that something's going to be different, I'm not happy too. What's wrong with me?!
Another voice is rising within me: cos you don't know if you'll like the new morning team on Mon!
Duh, more generally pls..
I think, rather, I feel, that the whole routine thing still stands. If they change teams every year, I'll write this every year and it becomes a routine. It's constant change. Graphically, you see seasonality. My Oxford experience, on the other hand, is not happening every 19 years. It happened and just once. That change was not constant. It's a single sudden peak in white noise series.
Maybe I can conclude that constant change is not a change; if it is, well, it's a boring one.
Update 28 Feb 05
Made a mistake: Liyi still came to work with me this morning :) With Chongqing and another girl whose name I don't know..
Suddenly felt lost. When I first started to listen to 933 regularly, it was in JC and the morning show was hosted by Liyi and Junwei. After four years, I tuned in to the morning show again and it was Liyi and Zhiyong. From Mon, it will be Lingzhi and Chongqing going to work with me. But I'm used to listening to Chongqing and Mary on their evening show, and Lingzhi with her Music Diary at night! Wait, does that mean there's no more music diary? It accompanied my lunch hours in my third year..
I've never taken really well to changes. I mean, I can adapt, but it'll always feel different, a matter of liking. Like when I first came back for good, I adapted soon enough, but I missed Oxford like crazy. Still do. No problem when I first moved to Oxford cos I was leaving a distressing period of my life behind. Maybe I should say that if the change is for the better, I can take to it more easily than otherwise.
It's a bit contradictory, isn't it? Just a couple of days ago, I was complaining that life is too routine. Now that something's going to be different, I'm not happy too. What's wrong with me?!
Another voice is rising within me: cos you don't know if you'll like the new morning team on Mon!
Duh, more generally pls..
I think, rather, I feel, that the whole routine thing still stands. If they change teams every year, I'll write this every year and it becomes a routine. It's constant change. Graphically, you see seasonality. My Oxford experience, on the other hand, is not happening every 19 years. It happened and just once. That change was not constant. It's a single sudden peak in white noise series.
Maybe I can conclude that constant change is not a change; if it is, well, it's a boring one.
Update 28 Feb 05
Made a mistake: Liyi still came to work with me this morning :) With Chongqing and another girl whose name I don't know..
Thursday, 24 February 2005
"A doll for granddad"
mf feels oddly disturbed..
What does this say of the human race? That man-made comfort is more reliable than your own kids? Or that we have meddled too much with nature and we should be better off dead at age 60 than 100??
The doll "meant to resemble a five-year-old boy" really sounds creepy btw.
**************
A doll for granddad
TODAYonline.com
Thursday • February 24, 2005
TOKYO — As Japan produces fewer children and more retirees, toymakers are designing dolls not for the young, but for the lonely elderly — companions that can sleep next to them and offer caring words.
Talking toys have become such a hit that some elderly people have embraced them as substitutes for the children who have grown and deserted entire neighbourhoods in the rapidly greying country.
The Yumel doll looks like a baby boy and has a vocabulary of 1,200 phrases. It is billed as a "healing partner" for the elderly and goes on the market today for 8,500 yen ($132). About 8,000 Yumel dolls have been sold in less than three months. "Toymakers are targeting senior citizens as the number of children is falling," said Mr Osamu Kiriseko, who headed the Yumel project.
Another toymaker, Bandai, launched the Primopuel doll in November 1999. Meant to resemble a five-year-old boy, the toy has proved to be a hit with the elderly. More than one million dolls have been sold over the past five years. — AFP
What does this say of the human race? That man-made comfort is more reliable than your own kids? Or that we have meddled too much with nature and we should be better off dead at age 60 than 100??
The doll "meant to resemble a five-year-old boy" really sounds creepy btw.
**************
A doll for granddad
TODAYonline.com
Thursday • February 24, 2005
TOKYO — As Japan produces fewer children and more retirees, toymakers are designing dolls not for the young, but for the lonely elderly — companions that can sleep next to them and offer caring words.
Talking toys have become such a hit that some elderly people have embraced them as substitutes for the children who have grown and deserted entire neighbourhoods in the rapidly greying country.
The Yumel doll looks like a baby boy and has a vocabulary of 1,200 phrases. It is billed as a "healing partner" for the elderly and goes on the market today for 8,500 yen ($132). About 8,000 Yumel dolls have been sold in less than three months. "Toymakers are targeting senior citizens as the number of children is falling," said Mr Osamu Kiriseko, who headed the Yumel project.
Another toymaker, Bandai, launched the Primopuel doll in November 1999. Meant to resemble a five-year-old boy, the toy has proved to be a hit with the elderly. More than one million dolls have been sold over the past five years. — AFP
HYPY translations
Extracts from an email exchange
Friend: I wouldn't want to be labelled as qian gu zui ren leh. Bu jiu you gong, zhi jiu wu guo... ... I'm really wang cheng mo ji as compared to you... ...
mf: What's the poverb?!
Friend: Qian1 gu3 zui4 ren2 (mf: this one I know) Sorry... Mistake with the 2nd one... Bu4 qiu2 you3 gong1, zhi3 qiu2 wu2 guo4... Wang4 cheng2 mo4 ji2 (mf: actually should be chen2 :p) GET IT??? If you dun, I have no choice but to include the follows...
1. Guilty felons for eternity
2. Hope not to be credited, just hope not to be penalised.
3. Uncomparable
mf: *Insult my intelligence?!* Wa liao your hypy crap leh!
Yes I must have the last bite!
Friend: I wouldn't want to be labelled as qian gu zui ren leh. Bu jiu you gong, zhi jiu wu guo... ... I'm really wang cheng mo ji as compared to you... ...
mf: What's the poverb?!
Friend: Qian1 gu3 zui4 ren2 (mf: this one I know) Sorry... Mistake with the 2nd one... Bu4 qiu2 you3 gong1, zhi3 qiu2 wu2 guo4... Wang4 cheng2 mo4 ji2 (mf: actually should be chen2 :p) GET IT??? If you dun, I have no choice but to include the follows...
1. Guilty felons for eternity
2. Hope not to be credited, just hope not to be penalised.
3. Uncomparable
mf: *Insult my intelligence?!* Wa liao your hypy crap leh!
Yes I must have the last bite!
Still aching
The ache is worse than before, may have been aggravated last night as we tried to maintain "flower posture" throughout the dance, looking good but man, I need to strengthen my back.. And must remember the five contact points between partners: right hand to his left, his right hand on my back, left hand to his right arm, his right arm under mine, and finally, body.
Eh, suddenly remember that I woke up this morning hugging Meh the wrong way: I saw her butt instead of her face when I opened my eyes!
Eh, suddenly remember that I woke up this morning hugging Meh the wrong way: I saw her butt instead of her face when I opened my eyes!
Wednesday, 23 February 2005
Money is the root of all evil
I'm fucking pissed.
He had the cheek to call me to settle his HP bill of $285 and landline bill of $160. Hey, my HP bill stands at $30.45 and landline $17 on average!
Like father, like son. Last time YQ also spent hundreds on HP bills until I forbade Mother to pay for him. Now that he has to pay himself, he knows it's damn ex. Good lesson for him, I say, and good lessons should be learnt young cos when you're old, you apparently can't learn.
Important things for all to note:
1) Never believe men/women who ask you for for money - foreign or not, they are cheats.
2) Learn to work within your own budget, and save enough for old age - if you can't afford it, don't have it! Also, referring to Rule 1, take care of your CPF monies when you eventually get them!
3) If you're going to have a family, be responsible and make sure you can afford it. Btw, $300 to feed a family of five over 18 years is utter crap; there's something called inflation.
4) Never smoke in front of kids or a pregnant woman, you'll ruin young lungs for life. If you're pregnant and you're the one smoking, well, god bless!
5) If you want people to respect you, earn it. Even from your kids, earn it!
Source: www.hardichr.dk/Baggrunde/ middle_finger.jpg
He had the cheek to call me to settle his HP bill of $285 and landline bill of $160. Hey, my HP bill stands at $30.45 and landline $17 on average!
Like father, like son. Last time YQ also spent hundreds on HP bills until I forbade Mother to pay for him. Now that he has to pay himself, he knows it's damn ex. Good lesson for him, I say, and good lessons should be learnt young cos when you're old, you apparently can't learn.
Important things for all to note:
1) Never believe men/women who ask you for for money - foreign or not, they are cheats.
2) Learn to work within your own budget, and save enough for old age - if you can't afford it, don't have it! Also, referring to Rule 1, take care of your CPF monies when you eventually get them!
3) If you're going to have a family, be responsible and make sure you can afford it. Btw, $300 to feed a family of five over 18 years is utter crap; there's something called inflation.
4) Never smoke in front of kids or a pregnant woman, you'll ruin young lungs for life. If you're pregnant and you're the one smoking, well, god bless!
5) If you want people to respect you, earn it. Even from your kids, earn it!
Yoga combat - don't want yoga, can or not?
Hup brought me to a trial session last night. The combat part was cool! But the yoga bit was tough man.. I think yoga is not for me; my body is too hopelessly inflexible! I was watching everyone (almost..) in wonder as they sat up and twisted their bodies left and right in one swift movement while I was still struggling to bring my chest up.. The best part was the legs-bending-over-the-head stunt. Really, it's a freaking stunt! I couldn't help laughing at my inflexibility. Hup was saying I chao keng :p
But I must say I had a very good sleep last night. Felt very good when I opened my eyes this morning so I sprang out of bed :)
And I immediately regretted that =(
It was THE ache, from behind my knees all the way to between my shoulder blades. Hmm, think I'm a bit SM la, I quite enjoy the pain.. Hey it meant I worked out! :)
But I must say I had a very good sleep last night. Felt very good when I opened my eyes this morning so I sprang out of bed :)
And I immediately regretted that =(
It was THE ache, from behind my knees all the way to between my shoulder blades. Hmm, think I'm a bit SM la, I quite enjoy the pain.. Hey it meant I worked out! :)
Tuesday, 22 February 2005
Thinking out loud - encrypted
A string of events that unfolded in the past ten days has rippled across my seemingly uneventful life.
I've been quite happy in my little nutshell of a world. Nvm that life is pretty unexciting, nvm that work can be straining, nvm that I sometimes feel stupid, nvm a lot of things. What matters is that things are going good enough for me.
Now, well, I can't say I'm unhappy. Just bothered. Bothered by my thoughts. Some time this afternoon, a thought popped into my head, as thoughts sometimes do.
"You need to re-evaluate certain values you hold."
I think that was my rational, non-OCD self speaking.
Ok, I thought, it's time for me to search my soul.
Actually, I was musing over something a few days ago: am I lonely?
Honestly, ever since I left secondary school, the only times I recall feeling lonely were when I was in a group and yet felt detached. After the solo thing in OBS, I said that while I was alone, I didn't feel lonely. True, isn't it? That loneliness isn't just about physical isolation; it's got more to do with the emotions.
This particular series of events forced me to rethink the above. Perhaps loneliness can sink into the subconscious without you realising until a catalyst surfaces? But this doesn't hold water, I don't actually feel lonely, no matter how much I try to explain it to myself, it just doesn't make sense. It couldn't be loneliness.
Erm, a thought, rather, a word, just hit me two seconds ago: boredom. Have I mistaken boredom for loneliness? I could reconcile with boredom. Ya, that would explain a lot. Since my life is so plain-sailing, boredom seems to be the inevitable parasite.
So pls, ignore the loneliness crap I wrote above; irrelevant now that I've decided I'm more bored than anything else.
Ok, I've established that boredom is the root cause of my current, eh, "confusion"; I could safely say that it has a certain bearing on my dominant persona. Said "confusion" is that I'm not sure if I should indulge the dominant or listen to my smaller rational self.
*Long pause*
Am I slow or what? I just realised that if I would just listen to my rational side, everything will be quite clear-cut..
But question, big question: can I maintain that stand and not succumb to, simply put, boredom?
Actually I don't wish to continue writing cos mind is blanking out. Need to chew on it a bit more. Somehow, this thing has just evolved into a review of who and what I really am. Good la, re-activate my brain.
Catch no ball? Well, you're not supposed to, unless we've talked!
Dedicate this post to two persons, you know who you are. Perhaps you might gain a better insight into me through this than just talking. I'm crap at talking.
Update 24 Feb 05
Not saying that it's been boring all this while with you, my dear friends. It's just, you know, every day is like a routine, every other week I do the same things all over again. Not often that we have a nice trip out. But if fun outings happen too often, they become routine too.. Man, just realised that life is one whole cycle of repetitions! Gaaah!
I've been quite happy in my little nutshell of a world. Nvm that life is pretty unexciting, nvm that work can be straining, nvm that I sometimes feel stupid, nvm a lot of things. What matters is that things are going good enough for me.
Now, well, I can't say I'm unhappy. Just bothered. Bothered by my thoughts. Some time this afternoon, a thought popped into my head, as thoughts sometimes do.
"You need to re-evaluate certain values you hold."
I think that was my rational, non-OCD self speaking.
Ok, I thought, it's time for me to search my soul.
Actually, I was musing over something a few days ago: am I lonely?
Honestly, ever since I left secondary school, the only times I recall feeling lonely were when I was in a group and yet felt detached. After the solo thing in OBS, I said that while I was alone, I didn't feel lonely. True, isn't it? That loneliness isn't just about physical isolation; it's got more to do with the emotions.
This particular series of events forced me to rethink the above. Perhaps loneliness can sink into the subconscious without you realising until a catalyst surfaces? But this doesn't hold water, I don't actually feel lonely, no matter how much I try to explain it to myself, it just doesn't make sense. It couldn't be loneliness.
Erm, a thought, rather, a word, just hit me two seconds ago: boredom. Have I mistaken boredom for loneliness? I could reconcile with boredom. Ya, that would explain a lot. Since my life is so plain-sailing, boredom seems to be the inevitable parasite.
So pls, ignore the loneliness crap I wrote above; irrelevant now that I've decided I'm more bored than anything else.
Ok, I've established that boredom is the root cause of my current, eh, "confusion"; I could safely say that it has a certain bearing on my dominant persona. Said "confusion" is that I'm not sure if I should indulge the dominant or listen to my smaller rational self.
*Long pause*
Am I slow or what? I just realised that if I would just listen to my rational side, everything will be quite clear-cut..
But question, big question: can I maintain that stand and not succumb to, simply put, boredom?
Actually I don't wish to continue writing cos mind is blanking out. Need to chew on it a bit more. Somehow, this thing has just evolved into a review of who and what I really am. Good la, re-activate my brain.
Catch no ball? Well, you're not supposed to, unless we've talked!
Dedicate this post to two persons, you know who you are. Perhaps you might gain a better insight into me through this than just talking. I'm crap at talking.
Update 24 Feb 05
Not saying that it's been boring all this while with you, my dear friends. It's just, you know, every day is like a routine, every other week I do the same things all over again. Not often that we have a nice trip out. But if fun outings happen too often, they become routine too.. Man, just realised that life is one whole cycle of repetitions! Gaaah!
Cute supremacy!
As I pored through page 37 of my 66 page paper (excludes conclusion, freaking longer than my MSc dissertation!), I suddenly noticed the cat at the top right hand corner, napping. I clicked on her and she immediately woke and asked me what I would like to do!
Just want to watch her sleep.. Should not have disturbed her!!!
Now she's wagging her tail and smiling sweetly at me.. Ahhh... Nice also :)
I have a thing for cute things and animals and people. Ok, kids la, cos "cute" adults are, more often than not, act-cute. Like me :p Btw cute means adorable here, not the cute guy at 3 o'clock/ Jerry Yen/ Jude Law kind of cute. NOT Rowan Atkinson kind of cute either.
My current desktop wallpaper is Oppa's friend's daughter. Big eyes, pinchable cheeks :) Once boss walked by and saw me smiling at the picture.
"Maternal instinct?"
Well maybe. If I have a kid, I'll just look at him/her all day and think how cute he/she is! So I must be a full-time mum, meaning I'm also a full-time housewife, meaning that I would need a rich husband so I don't have to work..
But I digress.
I would love to have the perfect cute image/ appearance, whatever. But I've always like a touch of elegance too. Can't decide on either, don't know which is more mf, so must learn to merge them properly, and to match my mood.
Darn! Cat is still wagging her tail! I think I'll go have my yong tau foo. Hopefully she'll be asleep when I'm back..
Just want to watch her sleep.. Should not have disturbed her!!!
Now she's wagging her tail and smiling sweetly at me.. Ahhh... Nice also :)
I have a thing for cute things and animals and people. Ok, kids la, cos "cute" adults are, more often than not, act-cute. Like me :p Btw cute means adorable here, not the cute guy at 3 o'clock/ Jerry Yen/ Jude Law kind of cute. NOT Rowan Atkinson kind of cute either.
My current desktop wallpaper is Oppa's friend's daughter. Big eyes, pinchable cheeks :) Once boss walked by and saw me smiling at the picture.
"Maternal instinct?"
Well maybe. If I have a kid, I'll just look at him/her all day and think how cute he/she is! So I must be a full-time mum, meaning I'm also a full-time housewife, meaning that I would need a rich husband so I don't have to work..
But I digress.
I would love to have the perfect cute image/ appearance, whatever. But I've always like a touch of elegance too. Can't decide on either, don't know which is more mf, so must learn to merge them properly, and to match my mood.
Darn! Cat is still wagging her tail! I think I'll go have my yong tau foo. Hopefully she'll be asleep when I'm back..
Monday, 21 February 2005
Blog stats
Ya I'm obssessed with numbers, but indulge me! Tell me that 1043 is prime! :p
Off to sandwich party with colleagues..
Off to sandwich party with colleagues..
What is my inner soul trying to say?
I did this test like three times and got two results.. Guess which popped up twice?
Your inner soul is calling for help! You always seem so depressed, lonely, and feel like an outsider. You may have a cold, sad exterior, but in all reality you are hurt inside and bottling up all of your anger. Everyday you wonder why are you still here when there is nothing left? You use to once be a happy, loving soul, but it was damaged by 'them' and seems like it never can be fixed again. However, you have yet seemed to realize that there are people out there that deeply care for you. They secretly have a thing for you because they find you to be dark, mysterious, and full of secrets, not to mention being the prettiest person in the world! You like to enjoy your time by yourself expressing your feelings through forms of art, and enjoy nice quiet scenaries that just dazzle your mind with awe. Your bedroom is basically your sanctuary where you can hide out, hidden from those who gave you all of the pain. Try to loosen up and have some fun! Never start frowning because you never know who's falling in love with your smile :)
Your inner soul is very mellow. You're very laid back and pretty much enjoy life! You're quite an average person, you enjoy hanging out with your friends, but also making sure you're doing alright in school. You love to have fun and laugh, but you're also quiet at times and just like to soak in the pleasurement of simple things. You have a pretty good life going on and wouldn't trade it for anything else :)
What is your inner soul trying to say?
Update 24 Feb 05
I shall assume that you who have read this have also guessed which result came up two times..
Answer: It's the first one, yes the darker one..
Maybe it's true but it's also true that I love my life anyway!
Your inner soul is calling for help! You always seem so depressed, lonely, and feel like an outsider. You may have a cold, sad exterior, but in all reality you are hurt inside and bottling up all of your anger. Everyday you wonder why are you still here when there is nothing left? You use to once be a happy, loving soul, but it was damaged by 'them' and seems like it never can be fixed again. However, you have yet seemed to realize that there are people out there that deeply care for you. They secretly have a thing for you because they find you to be dark, mysterious, and full of secrets, not to mention being the prettiest person in the world! You like to enjoy your time by yourself expressing your feelings through forms of art, and enjoy nice quiet scenaries that just dazzle your mind with awe. Your bedroom is basically your sanctuary where you can hide out, hidden from those who gave you all of the pain. Try to loosen up and have some fun! Never start frowning because you never know who's falling in love with your smile :)
Your inner soul is very mellow. You're very laid back and pretty much enjoy life! You're quite an average person, you enjoy hanging out with your friends, but also making sure you're doing alright in school. You love to have fun and laugh, but you're also quiet at times and just like to soak in the pleasurement of simple things. You have a pretty good life going on and wouldn't trade it for anything else :)
What is your inner soul trying to say?
Update 24 Feb 05
I shall assume that you who have read this have also guessed which result came up two times..
Answer: It's the first one, yes the darker one..
Maybe it's true but it's also true that I love my life anyway!
Sunday, 20 February 2005
Sunny bits
Can't believe it's Sun already.. Went jogging with Susan just now and had a nice long chat. Apparently, that day of the Huang Shu Jun concert, Siok et al were asking if Ker was my bf.. Ah, my friends, don't anyhow guess la, wait other guys don't want to ask me out then how?? :p
Anyway having an interesting MSN conversation with Z and doing a gaydar test. I scored 50%, website says that sucks! Ya I think so too :p And apparently, theory that good lookers are gay fails big time, ask Z!
Yan came over to settle our trip to Bintan just now. So exciting! We've never been out with each other before. Actually this is the first time that I chop chop settled a trip this fast. She asked me about it on Fri morning and I agreed like immediately. We're setting off 5 Mar for the weekend, just rotting at the resort. Ahhh, soothing just to think about it.. :)
Ok must prep to go tanning already..
Anyway having an interesting MSN conversation with Z and doing a gaydar test. I scored 50%, website says that sucks! Ya I think so too :p And apparently, theory that good lookers are gay fails big time, ask Z!
Yan came over to settle our trip to Bintan just now. So exciting! We've never been out with each other before. Actually this is the first time that I chop chop settled a trip this fast. She asked me about it on Fri morning and I agreed like immediately. We're setting off 5 Mar for the weekend, just rotting at the resort. Ahhh, soothing just to think about it.. :)
Ok must prep to go tanning already..
Girls' night out
The girls finally met up last night! We adjourned to Balaclava for post-dinner drinks and planted ourselves on a cosy couch. The first drinks, all cocktails, were all yucks! We had to Cai quan to finish the drinks and that also motivated the two pints of Hoegaarden :p
Don't play play, HL very good at the game ok! I kept drinking at her call and somemore always from the same trick. Even committed suicide countless times calling nothing while showing five, and once calling SIX after HL's five, stupid! Think Na held record for longest row of forfeits - five or six, my work, heh heh :) SY drank often cos of HL (and her slightly delayed reaction, but she's very fast when it's her turn to call!).. HL seemed to drink the least so the onus was on SY to make her drink - at one point, she managed to make HL drank four or five times in a row, yeah!
Then to make things interesting, we modified. Use Mandarin. Not enough challenge? We played 2s then 3s instead of 5s. Ended up with some weird combinations of two fingers and five fingers showing at the same call! And our fingers became twisted and actually vulgar, especially with 2s :p Think we were pretty dazed before the second pint's up..
I think no one else was playing beer games. So Na was saying if people around us thought we were some chao ah lians, well they wouldn't imagine we were two civil servants, a teacher and a highly paid MNC exec, all holding degrees (eh got first class hons ok) to MSc to postgrad dip lor! Kek, and we laughed to ourselves :p
Later when Ker called to ask about KTV, I wanted to sing so much! Last I went KTV was Nov, record length already.. And CY couldn't make KBox lunch earlier.. But Na not going, and I have SY to share cab with, no motivation la..
Anyway, at that moment, we were cuddled, HL and SY on couch, Na and I on table, head in a bundle, sharing oh-so-gossipy stuff about four or five persons. Juicy news, weird stuff, all the whats, whys, whos and how-comes. More significantly, a long kept past incident (not exactly secret la) was laid open on the table and phew, feeling was great, though it wasn't even about me!
Oh, SY was saying my entries were getting incoherent lately and Na commented some time ago that my Chinese has so gone downhill.. Hmmm, I actually feel the same way! But hey, isn't the random streak in mf one of her most charming assets?? Oops, being narcissistic again :)
Don't play play, HL very good at the game ok! I kept drinking at her call and somemore always from the same trick. Even committed suicide countless times calling nothing while showing five, and once calling SIX after HL's five, stupid! Think Na held record for longest row of forfeits - five or six, my work, heh heh :) SY drank often cos of HL (and her slightly delayed reaction, but she's very fast when it's her turn to call!).. HL seemed to drink the least so the onus was on SY to make her drink - at one point, she managed to make HL drank four or five times in a row, yeah!
Then to make things interesting, we modified. Use Mandarin. Not enough challenge? We played 2s then 3s instead of 5s. Ended up with some weird combinations of two fingers and five fingers showing at the same call! And our fingers became twisted and actually vulgar, especially with 2s :p Think we were pretty dazed before the second pint's up..
I think no one else was playing beer games. So Na was saying if people around us thought we were some chao ah lians, well they wouldn't imagine we were two civil servants, a teacher and a highly paid MNC exec, all holding degrees (eh got first class hons ok) to MSc to postgrad dip lor! Kek, and we laughed to ourselves :p
Later when Ker called to ask about KTV, I wanted to sing so much! Last I went KTV was Nov, record length already.. And CY couldn't make KBox lunch earlier.. But Na not going, and I have SY to share cab with, no motivation la..
Anyway, at that moment, we were cuddled, HL and SY on couch, Na and I on table, head in a bundle, sharing oh-so-gossipy stuff about four or five persons. Juicy news, weird stuff, all the whats, whys, whos and how-comes. More significantly, a long kept past incident (not exactly secret la) was laid open on the table and phew, feeling was great, though it wasn't even about me!
Oh, SY was saying my entries were getting incoherent lately and Na commented some time ago that my Chinese has so gone downhill.. Hmmm, I actually feel the same way! But hey, isn't the random streak in mf one of her most charming assets?? Oops, being narcissistic again :)
Saturday, 19 February 2005
"Rabu rabu" - L.O.V.E (Japanised :p)
Was chewing on the topic of love over sms on Mon. Not sure if 14 Feb brought it up or the topic just happened to pop up..
Friend posed a question: being in love with the idea of love and pining for true love, are they one and the same or two vastly different feelings?
I thought they are subtly different. Former can be because of latter but latter needs not be in love with the idea of love. Or is it former needs not be pining for true love??
Ok I answered that at 130am, maybe I was incoherent cos he didn't reply with his own answer until after lunch the next day: different. To want to be loved is a basic human desire, and is also a central idea in christianity, and the good news of it is that God loves, regardless of sinner or saint. That love is manifest in all kinds of love, sibling love, romantic love, parental love etc. Hence the longing for true love is in fact a longing for a fulfilment of the void with which we were created. That's a basic need of the human person as any other needs.
Basic need? Interesting.. I have neither sibling love nor romantic love, and parental love is not complete. How? I told him I have my Grams et al and my dear friends (like him and many of you..) but at the same time, I realise that no one is exclusive to me cos everyone has his own family and other friends too..
Oh, actually Meh is exclusive to me :) But am I exclusive to her? I think not.. Oops..
Question: must love be exclusive? If so, won't it get pretty boring isn't it? *Shrug*
Anyway heard something interesting on 933 after gym on Mon: Chongqing was reading his ex gf's confession to another guy! She's the head of some radio department while he's something similar in 958. She asked him to consider her. Wow, really admire her guts, on air leh!
Oh best, I just heard a friend got married last month! And she's 24! Man, sometimes I ask myself what the hell I'm doing now when my friends are slowly walking down the aisle.. Answer burst out of me a minute ago while conversing with a friend on MSN: I'm enjoying myself and I'm not willing to stop yet :)
At least I know Mother won't be rushing me to get married like hers does!
Friend posed a question: being in love with the idea of love and pining for true love, are they one and the same or two vastly different feelings?
I thought they are subtly different. Former can be because of latter but latter needs not be in love with the idea of love. Or is it former needs not be pining for true love??
Ok I answered that at 130am, maybe I was incoherent cos he didn't reply with his own answer until after lunch the next day: different. To want to be loved is a basic human desire, and is also a central idea in christianity, and the good news of it is that God loves, regardless of sinner or saint. That love is manifest in all kinds of love, sibling love, romantic love, parental love etc. Hence the longing for true love is in fact a longing for a fulfilment of the void with which we were created. That's a basic need of the human person as any other needs.
Basic need? Interesting.. I have neither sibling love nor romantic love, and parental love is not complete. How? I told him I have my Grams et al and my dear friends (like him and many of you..) but at the same time, I realise that no one is exclusive to me cos everyone has his own family and other friends too..
Oh, actually Meh is exclusive to me :) But am I exclusive to her? I think not.. Oops..
Question: must love be exclusive? If so, won't it get pretty boring isn't it? *Shrug*
Anyway heard something interesting on 933 after gym on Mon: Chongqing was reading his ex gf's confession to another guy! She's the head of some radio department while he's something similar in 958. She asked him to consider her. Wow, really admire her guts, on air leh!
Oh best, I just heard a friend got married last month! And she's 24! Man, sometimes I ask myself what the hell I'm doing now when my friends are slowly walking down the aisle.. Answer burst out of me a minute ago while conversing with a friend on MSN: I'm enjoying myself and I'm not willing to stop yet :)
At least I know Mother won't be rushing me to get married like hers does!
Racism?
I was quite disturbed at something I read in the course of work.
There was a public feedback from a caucasian American who was due for relocation to Singapore, and concerned over how Singaporeans would treat foreigners (read: whites) when he came across some sort of a "hate" website, Quality Nation.
To make things short, the website basically implores Singaporeans to keep Singapore mainly CMI - Chinese, Malays, Indians - and to keep the number of whites to a minimum because "too many white people are undesirable for the social and moral standards of our nation".
How does that sound to you?
The website basically consists of a whole load of articles from mainly Singaporeans, with little "adverts" scattered randomly.
While the desire to maintain current CMI majority really sounds harmless on its own, many of the articles seem to border uncomfortably on racism, actually encouraging Singaporeans to, in a simple and general term, alienate whites.
Aren't we an open society? Well, at least I thought we were!
While it is undeniable that racism against Asians exists, it doesn't mean we have to retaliate by giving the whites a taste of their own medicine in Asian countries; how different are we then from the racists on London streets etc? Is this the kind of "quality nation" we want? It's certainly not the kind I want.
Read somewhere that racial characteristics account for some 5% of human DNA. We are the same everywhere else, regardless of colour. And if it really were a moral/cultural issue, what about Asians born and bred in so-called white countries? They could behave in the same way as an angmoh but are we ok cos they are not white?
I've decided this small group of narrow minded people are not worth more airtime in mf's world.
There was a public feedback from a caucasian American who was due for relocation to Singapore, and concerned over how Singaporeans would treat foreigners (read: whites) when he came across some sort of a "hate" website, Quality Nation.
To make things short, the website basically implores Singaporeans to keep Singapore mainly CMI - Chinese, Malays, Indians - and to keep the number of whites to a minimum because "too many white people are undesirable for the social and moral standards of our nation".
How does that sound to you?
The website basically consists of a whole load of articles from mainly Singaporeans, with little "adverts" scattered randomly.
While the desire to maintain current CMI majority really sounds harmless on its own, many of the articles seem to border uncomfortably on racism, actually encouraging Singaporeans to, in a simple and general term, alienate whites.
Aren't we an open society? Well, at least I thought we were!
While it is undeniable that racism against Asians exists, it doesn't mean we have to retaliate by giving the whites a taste of their own medicine in Asian countries; how different are we then from the racists on London streets etc? Is this the kind of "quality nation" we want? It's certainly not the kind I want.
Read somewhere that racial characteristics account for some 5% of human DNA. We are the same everywhere else, regardless of colour. And if it really were a moral/cultural issue, what about Asians born and bred in so-called white countries? They could behave in the same way as an angmoh but are we ok cos they are not white?
I've decided this small group of narrow minded people are not worth more airtime in mf's world.
Friday, 18 February 2005
CNY happenings :)
Ya a bit late but photos have just come in so..
Woke up fresh and happy on the morning of the first day! Think I looked quite slim in that pair of jeans teamed with stilettos, and damn tall to boot! :) But I'm still shorter than MZ and YQ.. And the slim part disappeared after lunch. And snacks. And more snacks due to 终极密码.. But Grams would be happy to see us eat so much!
20 year old tales surfaced, same old stories on the cousins, but we were still laughing like crazy. Like we used to play this Spider and Ants where someone (the Spider) would guard the letter boxes and the aim of the others (Ants!) was to tap any box. Think those with a mirror inside fetched higher points.. Then there was the usual catching, we would run the length of the block, take the lifts to escape from the catcher.. Then WT mentioned that the lifts now stop at every floor so it's much more difficult to catch already!
At a sian point, WT took out the green feather duster from behind Aunt's cabinet and asked if we had been caned at Grams's last time. Well obviously he had! He very gross la, threatening Yan's face with the green thing. Even suggested sweeping face with it as forfeit for 99 points! Some people never changed hur..
After disagreeing on things like stuffing toilet paper up the nose (and next person to do the same using the same piece!), mummification etc, we decided on a silly act of balancing a toilet roll on the head. Since it was silly, we soon graduated to using clothing pegs on any part of the body. Still silly? Well, funnier! And pain ah! Stopped only when we exhausted the big pegs.
Yes, WT, King of Mischief, with his torture toolbox..Dear Boy was focused on the game :)
Source: mf
A few games later..
MZ looks like the landlady in Kong Fu Hustle!! Minus the cigarette :p
Source: mf
After dinner, we were back in Aunt's room to nua. Hui was so hyper, think we were all like her 20 years ago..
Hui at Aunt's cabinet..
Aiyah not tall enough la!
Source: mf
Hmmm, what's that?
Source: mf
Good for my baby face, you know..
Source: mf
Poor Aunt! She suffered generations of nieces! We all had our turns rummaging through her cabinets for makeup and earrings, her shoe racks for pretty heels and even jumping up and down on her last bed (which simply collapsed one day..)
Aunt took out some photos. There was one of Tian as a kid that looked so much like current Hui. So we purposely asked Hui who she thought the girl was. She took a look, then "So fat, not me!" and she pranced off with her doll. So cute right? :)
No pictures for second (stayed at home, made small chat with four families) and third day (suntanning at Na's) but check me out at my office's CNY do on Sat!
Source: Jason
Ok, just me, with a pose of course.. Psst, I look quite nice here right? Right?!
Then at night, a group of us went to watch Huang Shu Jun's mini concert. Too bad his aide was rushing him away - I didn't get a photo with him. But Jason did! Will somebody help me superimpose my face (and body!) pls?
Source: Jason
Sunday went 团拜, you should know. If you don't, means you're not a 忠实读者 so BAAAH!
My primary school classmates.. 我们长大了!
Source: JK
And toothless mf stuck to CY's TV :p
Source: CY
Ok that's got nothing to do with CNY, just thought it was cute. I was cute. Still am :)
Cele sort of ended on the seventh day when CY came visiting. I bought 鱼生 for luck on this day also known as 人日, birthday of every one of us!
From Sakae, waited 20+ min for this!
Source: CY (mf's Ixus went flat!)
So there! My CNY this year.. And I already can't wait for the next!
Woke up fresh and happy on the morning of the first day! Think I looked quite slim in that pair of jeans teamed with stilettos, and damn tall to boot! :) But I'm still shorter than MZ and YQ.. And the slim part disappeared after lunch. And snacks. And more snacks due to 终极密码.. But Grams would be happy to see us eat so much!
20 year old tales surfaced, same old stories on the cousins, but we were still laughing like crazy. Like we used to play this Spider and Ants where someone (the Spider) would guard the letter boxes and the aim of the others (Ants!) was to tap any box. Think those with a mirror inside fetched higher points.. Then there was the usual catching, we would run the length of the block, take the lifts to escape from the catcher.. Then WT mentioned that the lifts now stop at every floor so it's much more difficult to catch already!
At a sian point, WT took out the green feather duster from behind Aunt's cabinet and asked if we had been caned at Grams's last time. Well obviously he had! He very gross la, threatening Yan's face with the green thing. Even suggested sweeping face with it as forfeit for 99 points! Some people never changed hur..
After disagreeing on things like stuffing toilet paper up the nose (and next person to do the same using the same piece!), mummification etc, we decided on a silly act of balancing a toilet roll on the head. Since it was silly, we soon graduated to using clothing pegs on any part of the body. Still silly? Well, funnier! And pain ah! Stopped only when we exhausted the big pegs.
Yes, WT, King of Mischief, with his torture toolbox..Dear Boy was focused on the game :)
A few games later..
MZ looks like the landlady in Kong Fu Hustle!! Minus the cigarette :p
After dinner, we were back in Aunt's room to nua. Hui was so hyper, think we were all like her 20 years ago..
Hui at Aunt's cabinet..
Aiyah not tall enough la!
Hmmm, what's that?
Good for my baby face, you know..
Poor Aunt! She suffered generations of nieces! We all had our turns rummaging through her cabinets for makeup and earrings, her shoe racks for pretty heels and even jumping up and down on her last bed (which simply collapsed one day..)
Aunt took out some photos. There was one of Tian as a kid that looked so much like current Hui. So we purposely asked Hui who she thought the girl was. She took a look, then "So fat, not me!" and she pranced off with her doll. So cute right? :)
No pictures for second (stayed at home, made small chat with four families) and third day (suntanning at Na's) but check me out at my office's CNY do on Sat!
Ok, just me, with a pose of course.. Psst, I look quite nice here right? Right?!
Then at night, a group of us went to watch Huang Shu Jun's mini concert. Too bad his aide was rushing him away - I didn't get a photo with him. But Jason did! Will somebody help me superimpose my face (and body!) pls?
Sunday went 团拜, you should know. If you don't, means you're not a 忠实读者 so BAAAH!
My primary school classmates.. 我们长大了!
And toothless mf stuck to CY's TV :p
Ok that's got nothing to do with CNY, just thought it was cute. I was cute. Still am :)
Cele sort of ended on the seventh day when CY came visiting. I bought 鱼生 for luck on this day also known as 人日, birthday of every one of us!
From Sakae, waited 20+ min for this!
So there! My CNY this year.. And I already can't wait for the next!
Thursday, 17 February 2005
Standing at the origin
Today's the 9th day of CNY. Mother was supposed to make offerings to some god this morning. Kept telling her to wait until I left the house before lighting the incense sticks cos I couldn't take the smoke.
But I was fastening the last clasp on my shoes when she started to light the whole damn bunch of sticks. Diffusion was instant.
TWO MINUTES ONLY, CANNOT WAIT MEH?!
I was so damn pissed, early in the morning my eyes kena smoked! No wonder I have a deep-seated thing against my religion. My born religion. And which I've totally denounced these days.
No, I don't think I'm totally atheistic. I just find it hard to have such faith, such religious faith. Even Mother, is she really religious? Grams removed her altar many years ago. I suggested removing ours to make the house look roomier. But Mother said no, she didn't want to "offend the gods" by stopping after all these years. Is that religiously faithful? I don't actually believe in such outward manifest of belief.
But let's go upstream: do I believe in the existence of god? Or gods? How about goddess(es)?
When I was a kid, I used to believe in deities and demons and the like, influenced by trips to temples and, more often, TV. But then, my grandmother used to be a virgin.. Ok nvm, something random from office pantry talk! But you get the drift.
I grew to dislike going to temples when my nose cracked up real bad. I would sneeze and cry and sniff and blow my nose away if there's incense smoke in the air. Then I explored Christianity but I just could not connect.
Then one day, in Oxford, I had a "revelation". And one night in St Ives sort of reinforced that little seed of thought. The day I saw beautiful clear skies and the night I stared into the boundless night sky, dotted with countless twinkles. I was so in awe, and simply ecstatic! I remember thinking, "Thank god for this", with reference to no god in particular.
Erm, I lost my point..
Anyway, back to earth, perhaps it's got something to do with me being mathsy. It's too mind-numbing to think above 3D so just the three coordinates leading to infinity! :p
The idea of infinity is most awesome. I remember that since childhood, I would always think of a very big number and then, a bigger number and a bigger one and another. It was endless. It scared but intrigued me at the same time. "Infinity" was an alien word to kiddo mf.
Anyway, I think what I want to say is that, simply put, I believe in the existence of a greater being and my gender neutral greater being happens to be right above us. Or rather, all around us. The giant conglomeration of orbiting planets and burning stars, the ambivalent forces of nature, the intangible sights, smells, sounds and feel of things around us. It's like infinity, with me at (0, 0, 0) and everything else in all directions away from me. It's something too large to grasp but close enough to awe and cheer and inspire. No idol worship, no offerings, just happy inside will do.
Ok, a bit abstract, I realise. And mf-ised. But it's difficult to translate feelings into words ok!! And oh dear, I didn't mean for this to be such a long story..
Last point then: what happens when I die, if I don't believe in heaven? Or hell for that matter? Well, I guess I'll go with my body into the soil, into the wind, back to the elements, drawn to the stars, whatever.. And I wouldn't know anything by then :)
Suddenly thought of something. I think Grams removed her altar cos she's happy without a god (or his picture - is that really his picture?!) in the house. Could it be that Mother needs to pray to find peace? If that's the case, is making offerings twice a month to a pictorial representation really sufficient?
Another: I realised that my relationship with her will never be as good as when I was in Oxford; it's too serious a clash of cultures, beliefs, habits and lifestyle living together in the tiny flat. Her time-capsuled mind is unhappy, my fledging but trapped soul is suffocating.
Random PS: Received a comment from a "U know who". Sorry, I don't know! Who?
But I was fastening the last clasp on my shoes when she started to light the whole damn bunch of sticks. Diffusion was instant.
TWO MINUTES ONLY, CANNOT WAIT MEH?!
I was so damn pissed, early in the morning my eyes kena smoked! No wonder I have a deep-seated thing against my religion. My born religion. And which I've totally denounced these days.
No, I don't think I'm totally atheistic. I just find it hard to have such faith, such religious faith. Even Mother, is she really religious? Grams removed her altar many years ago. I suggested removing ours to make the house look roomier. But Mother said no, she didn't want to "offend the gods" by stopping after all these years. Is that religiously faithful? I don't actually believe in such outward manifest of belief.
But let's go upstream: do I believe in the existence of god? Or gods? How about goddess(es)?
When I was a kid, I used to believe in deities and demons and the like, influenced by trips to temples and, more often, TV. But then, my grandmother used to be a virgin.. Ok nvm, something random from office pantry talk! But you get the drift.
I grew to dislike going to temples when my nose cracked up real bad. I would sneeze and cry and sniff and blow my nose away if there's incense smoke in the air. Then I explored Christianity but I just could not connect.
Then one day, in Oxford, I had a "revelation". And one night in St Ives sort of reinforced that little seed of thought. The day I saw beautiful clear skies and the night I stared into the boundless night sky, dotted with countless twinkles. I was so in awe, and simply ecstatic! I remember thinking, "Thank god for this", with reference to no god in particular.
Erm, I lost my point..
Anyway, back to earth, perhaps it's got something to do with me being mathsy. It's too mind-numbing to think above 3D so just the three coordinates leading to infinity! :p
The idea of infinity is most awesome. I remember that since childhood, I would always think of a very big number and then, a bigger number and a bigger one and another. It was endless. It scared but intrigued me at the same time. "Infinity" was an alien word to kiddo mf.
Anyway, I think what I want to say is that, simply put, I believe in the existence of a greater being and my gender neutral greater being happens to be right above us. Or rather, all around us. The giant conglomeration of orbiting planets and burning stars, the ambivalent forces of nature, the intangible sights, smells, sounds and feel of things around us. It's like infinity, with me at (0, 0, 0) and everything else in all directions away from me. It's something too large to grasp but close enough to awe and cheer and inspire. No idol worship, no offerings, just happy inside will do.
Ok, a bit abstract, I realise. And mf-ised. But it's difficult to translate feelings into words ok!! And oh dear, I didn't mean for this to be such a long story..
Last point then: what happens when I die, if I don't believe in heaven? Or hell for that matter? Well, I guess I'll go with my body into the soil, into the wind, back to the elements, drawn to the stars, whatever.. And I wouldn't know anything by then :)
Suddenly thought of something. I think Grams removed her altar cos she's happy without a god (or his picture - is that really his picture?!) in the house. Could it be that Mother needs to pray to find peace? If that's the case, is making offerings twice a month to a pictorial representation really sufficient?
Another: I realised that my relationship with her will never be as good as when I was in Oxford; it's too serious a clash of cultures, beliefs, habits and lifestyle living together in the tiny flat. Her time-capsuled mind is unhappy, my fledging but trapped soul is suffocating.
Random PS: Received a comment from a "U know who". Sorry, I don't know! Who?
Monday, 14 February 2005
*Bulb*
Suddenly had a thought: when I first created this blog, I didn't mean to jolt down every single bit of what Xmas party, CNY dinner etc. It was supposed to be more than just an activity log, an avenue for me to voice out, silently, on certain issues I (used to?) think about. Hmmm.. We'll see!
Pink morning
I logged on to Friendster for a message, only to find it shrouded in pink! Yikes! Checked Google, normal, phew!
But hey I've got nothing against pink; in fact I like pink* :) Just thinking, why must Valentine's Day be associated with this colour? Or should I ask why pink is associated with this day?
* Maybe you can't tell.. I didn't choose the pink template. Well, green is more soothing on the eye, no? :) Anyway, I like subtle pinks, like the stripes on my blouse today..
Back to office today. Should feel refreshed but I'm feeling sick. Strange rumbling in tummy.. It's a strange mf today too ~.~
Update
Actually just realised the first "O" in Google has become a a heart-shaped bouquet of red roses.. Well, at least it's nice and not too in-your-face..
But hey I've got nothing against pink; in fact I like pink* :) Just thinking, why must Valentine's Day be associated with this colour? Or should I ask why pink is associated with this day?
* Maybe you can't tell.. I didn't choose the pink template. Well, green is more soothing on the eye, no? :) Anyway, I like subtle pinks, like the stripes on my blouse today..
Back to office today. Should feel refreshed but I'm feeling sick. Strange rumbling in tummy.. It's a strange mf today too ~.~
Update
Actually just realised the first "O" in Google has become a a heart-shaped bouquet of red roses.. Well, at least it's nice and not too in-your-face..
Sadako - mf-ised! =(
Would have finished this earlier but for an interesting bit of (shocking? More surprising la) intermission which I shall not share heh! And SY, you would have to come out with the girls to hear it from the horse's mouth! :p
My primary school clique went tuan bai today! We started early at 930am, visited Renjie, Daq, Qinwei, JK, CY, Kiat, left Yanxiang's place only at ten.
We went cruising in Kiat's Kangoo as usual, and as usual, it was one hell of a ride! Speeding la, jerking left and right la, ok at least today he didn't up kerb nor holland..
But bad things happened to me, like knocking my head. And at one point, I slided on the cushion when the vehicle braked suddenly or something. I was possibly in mid-sentence when I went "Ahhh!" and crashed into skinny Daq! Oops.. The poor man also happened to turn to face me as I started ah-ing and saw this woman flying towards him with hair flying all over her face! Guess he was more shocked than crushed??
Every time I go out with this group, always kena suan-ed like crazy; they ALL seem to be able to say something that makes my smile freeze, especially cute Des. Ok, must give CY credit for not standing on their side :) Then I took off halfway to go to the gathering at Ker's place. Also kena suan-ed by the host, the usual stuff about me being fat and gym being useless for me blah blah. KT and YH on my side, no doubt, but they still couldn't save me.. So, basically full day strain on my facial and tummy muscles, ouch..
Oh, CY, must rem to tell me all about your Mon date, ok pls? I have a date too, at the gym and then with Desperate Housewives! Maybe I'll take half day tomorrow cos quite drained from all the CNY things.. Aiyah, actually still don't feel like working la! :p
My primary school clique went tuan bai today! We started early at 930am, visited Renjie, Daq, Qinwei, JK, CY, Kiat, left Yanxiang's place only at ten.
We went cruising in Kiat's Kangoo as usual, and as usual, it was one hell of a ride! Speeding la, jerking left and right la, ok at least today he didn't up kerb nor holland..
But bad things happened to me, like knocking my head. And at one point, I slided on the cushion when the vehicle braked suddenly or something. I was possibly in mid-sentence when I went "Ahhh!" and crashed into skinny Daq! Oops.. The poor man also happened to turn to face me as I started ah-ing and saw this woman flying towards him with hair flying all over her face! Guess he was more shocked than crushed??
Every time I go out with this group, always kena suan-ed like crazy; they ALL seem to be able to say something that makes my smile freeze, especially cute Des. Ok, must give CY credit for not standing on their side :) Then I took off halfway to go to the gathering at Ker's place. Also kena suan-ed by the host, the usual stuff about me being fat and gym being useless for me blah blah. KT and YH on my side, no doubt, but they still couldn't save me.. So, basically full day strain on my facial and tummy muscles, ouch..
Oh, CY, must rem to tell me all about your Mon date, ok pls? I have a date too, at the gym and then with Desperate Housewives! Maybe I'll take half day tomorrow cos quite drained from all the CNY things.. Aiyah, actually still don't feel like working la! :p
Sunday, 13 February 2005
我们的时代？
刚从黄舒骏的说唱会回来，仿佛在那两个小时内游过了自己有音乐伴随的日子。
我不会写词作曲，只爱听歌或上KTV唱唱歌。从幼儿园的儿歌，到第一首“大人歌” - 张清芳的“我还年青 心情还不定 难接受你的心 只好告诉你 我早已经给了别人我的心！” - 到后来的流行歌曲，它们好像对我的人生都有说大不大、说小也不小的影响。
《我还年青》很可能是让我爱上歌唱的第一首歌。没有它，今天的我可能只会听歌而不会爱唱歌。
一段时期，意志消沉，总觉得寂寞，又没有人陪，也没有知音。那时，每一首流行曲都像是在故意让我难过，每一首情歌都令我格外感动。那时， 悲伤的歌词、优美的词句填满了学校的diary。
大学时期一度迷上摇滚、heavy metal类的，也喜欢hip hop及R&B，更偏向爵士乐。感觉很好，可是它们却不能像中文歌曲的词句给我相同的感动。
当年一场所谓恋爱，也可说是被歌曲影响不小。喜欢一个人的时候，电台的每一首歌都是美丽的爱情故事，仿佛单是唱给我听的；而喜欢的感觉飘走了，龙虎榜上的歌都在催我放手。不过这当然也可能只是巧合，或是自己随着感情的改变而比较喜欢某些曲子。其实我也不太清楚。你觉得呢？
现在就算比以前看得多了、懂得也多了，歌曲仍然是我生命很大的一部分。我还是会被感动、被影响。早晨听到的一首歌，有能力让我开心一天，也有可能让我感伤一个下午。
也许因为如此，刚才的说唱会给了我许多感触。其中他说近代歌手已经没有几个像以前一样，一人有起码一首耳熟能详的“经典”歌曲，如张学友的《吻别》、张惠妹的《姐妹》。想想可真没错！有位观众感叹流行歌曲的时代是否已经过去了。现在的趋向是比以往肤浅的吗？他在回答中讲到一点我很赞同，那就是 - 让我笨拙地尝试写下 - 那就是每个人都有“自己的时代”，因为他们的喜好没有随着主流趋势改变而改变。大概就是这个意思吧…
我认为我能够接受许多种类的歌曲。不过，我也有比较喜欢的，例如新谣、早期的流行曲等等。过去，歌词总是丰富的，词句优美不在话下，字里行间更是有着深层的意义。如今，许多流行曲仍然动人，但内容往往肤浅，也少了让人足以回味的美丽故事或画面。
说到丰富的歌词内容，黄舒骏应该是个很好的例子。他有一首歌，歌词(大概)这样写道：“现在已不是你过去所想到未来”。我不知道那是那一首歌的歌词，但我很喜欢。他的许多情歌中也带着一些“警戒”吧。例如：“不要只因为他亲吻了你 你就必须和他在一起 不要只因为他亲吻了你 你就以为那是爱情”。
你听了，是会心一笑，还是茅赛顿开？我想，两者都有吧。
我喜欢现在的心情，那种很满足的心情，因为我听了一场我可认同的说唱会… :)
我不会写词作曲，只爱听歌或上KTV唱唱歌。从幼儿园的儿歌，到第一首“大人歌” - 张清芳的“我还年青 心情还不定 难接受你的心 只好告诉你 我早已经给了别人我的心！” - 到后来的流行歌曲，它们好像对我的人生都有说大不大、说小也不小的影响。
《我还年青》很可能是让我爱上歌唱的第一首歌。没有它，今天的我可能只会听歌而不会爱唱歌。
一段时期，意志消沉，总觉得寂寞，又没有人陪，也没有知音。那时，每一首流行曲都像是在故意让我难过，每一首情歌都令我格外感动。那时， 悲伤的歌词、优美的词句填满了学校的diary。
大学时期一度迷上摇滚、heavy metal类的，也喜欢hip hop及R&B，更偏向爵士乐。感觉很好，可是它们却不能像中文歌曲的词句给我相同的感动。
当年一场所谓恋爱，也可说是被歌曲影响不小。喜欢一个人的时候，电台的每一首歌都是美丽的爱情故事，仿佛单是唱给我听的；而喜欢的感觉飘走了，龙虎榜上的歌都在催我放手。不过这当然也可能只是巧合，或是自己随着感情的改变而比较喜欢某些曲子。其实我也不太清楚。你觉得呢？
现在就算比以前看得多了、懂得也多了，歌曲仍然是我生命很大的一部分。我还是会被感动、被影响。早晨听到的一首歌，有能力让我开心一天，也有可能让我感伤一个下午。
也许因为如此，刚才的说唱会给了我许多感触。其中他说近代歌手已经没有几个像以前一样，一人有起码一首耳熟能详的“经典”歌曲，如张学友的《吻别》、张惠妹的《姐妹》。想想可真没错！有位观众感叹流行歌曲的时代是否已经过去了。现在的趋向是比以往肤浅的吗？他在回答中讲到一点我很赞同，那就是 - 让我笨拙地尝试写下 - 那就是每个人都有“自己的时代”，因为他们的喜好没有随着主流趋势改变而改变。大概就是这个意思吧…
我认为我能够接受许多种类的歌曲。不过，我也有比较喜欢的，例如新谣、早期的流行曲等等。过去，歌词总是丰富的，词句优美不在话下，字里行间更是有着深层的意义。如今，许多流行曲仍然动人，但内容往往肤浅，也少了让人足以回味的美丽故事或画面。
说到丰富的歌词内容，黄舒骏应该是个很好的例子。他有一首歌，歌词(大概)这样写道：“现在已不是你过去所想到未来”。我不知道那是那一首歌的歌词，但我很喜欢。他的许多情歌中也带着一些“警戒”吧。例如：“不要只因为他亲吻了你 你就必须和他在一起 不要只因为他亲吻了你 你就以为那是爱情”。
你听了，是会心一笑，还是茅赛顿开？我想，两者都有吧。
我喜欢现在的心情，那种很满足的心情，因为我听了一场我可认同的说唱会… :)
Thursday, 10 February 2005
雨中韵
Remember I said I'm going to try writing something? Well, just did :) Check out 雨中韵 for infrequent doses of short stories.
Here's a (rather awkward) translation of the description:
"Melody in the Rain
It exists, if you would only believe, if you would only let it come to you..."
And the foreword:
"Have you ever tried listening to the rain falling, all by yourself?
One day many years back, I happened to witness a heavy downpour. The raindrops sped past the window onto the ground 14 storeys below, looking like snowflakes as they fell and merged with the water puddles.
That's the first time I actually heard the melody in the rain, which is sometimes light and floaty, and sometimes sad and moody. Later, I realised that the melody actually originated from within myself; the rain was but a catalyst, a rhythm of the melody. Since then, be it rain or shine, the music stayed with me, and inspired the many passages that donned the backpages of my JC lecture notes.
After four years in the UK, I've almost forgot what rain meant to me, and I've completely forgot how to sift out the music in the rain.
This virtual 'Melody in the Rain' is an ocean where I'll collect bits of life. As I swim through the lives of my characters, I'll experience all that I could not possibly do in my lifetime. It may be beautiful, it may be sad, but it will spice up my uneventful life.
I hope to put together my daily happenings and whatever I could think of in a mental picture, which I'll then translate into words.
If you're roaming in your virtuality, perhaps our worlds might intersect one day, and we could share our stories.
Hence I wish."
PS：Oh, realise Ash Wednesday is this Fri.. Apparently, the church moved it cos of CNY. That makes today Pancake Tuesday! I'm not a believer but I used to make pancakes on this day for fun :)
Here's a (rather awkward) translation of the description:
"Melody in the Rain
It exists, if you would only believe, if you would only let it come to you..."
And the foreword:
"Have you ever tried listening to the rain falling, all by yourself?
One day many years back, I happened to witness a heavy downpour. The raindrops sped past the window onto the ground 14 storeys below, looking like snowflakes as they fell and merged with the water puddles.
That's the first time I actually heard the melody in the rain, which is sometimes light and floaty, and sometimes sad and moody. Later, I realised that the melody actually originated from within myself; the rain was but a catalyst, a rhythm of the melody. Since then, be it rain or shine, the music stayed with me, and inspired the many passages that donned the backpages of my JC lecture notes.
After four years in the UK, I've almost forgot what rain meant to me, and I've completely forgot how to sift out the music in the rain.
This virtual 'Melody in the Rain' is an ocean where I'll collect bits of life. As I swim through the lives of my characters, I'll experience all that I could not possibly do in my lifetime. It may be beautiful, it may be sad, but it will spice up my uneventful life.
I hope to put together my daily happenings and whatever I could think of in a mental picture, which I'll then translate into words.
If you're roaming in your virtuality, perhaps our worlds might intersect one day, and we could share our stories.
Hence I wish."
PS：Oh, realise Ash Wednesday is this Fri.. Apparently, the church moved it cos of CNY. That makes today Pancake Tuesday! I'm not a believer but I used to make pancakes on this day for fun :)
Stalked!
Erm, friend who was "stalked" wouldn't have his name here, so let's call him C - for confused, or confusing, cos it really was a totally "huh?!" incident..
CNY eve, he received an sms from a number that differed from his by only the last digit. Though he didn't know who this was, he exchanged a number of messages and learnt only two things: that she (yes) would tell him who she was at the end of the day, and that she was full of expletives.
Like me, I told him, full of expletives! Ok not that much but sometimes.. Not the mf he used to know, he said, after a tiny pause. Oh well, what does that say of me..!
Anyway, I got very curious, naturally. And being in a cranky mood, I offered to ring her up to check her out! :p
mf: *Smiling* Hi! Do you know someone called C? He was perplexed that *blah blah*
Strange girl: Oh.. Are you his sister?
mf: Nop! Friend, just curious haha!
Strange girl: I'll tell him at the end of today *blah blah*
So, ruled out his cousin. And his conclusion was that it was someone who didn't know him actually, some random act by some random person!
Well, true to her word, she later informed that they didn't know each other! So bo!
PS: I'll come back to blog on my cny happenings when I get the photos up :) CNY fun!
PS2: I'm quite pissed this morning, woken by a ringing phone and Mother talking on the phone. One-sided contents revealed the identity of the caller, who is coming to visit tonight. One family of gossip mongers! Full of shit since forever! Damn irritating! I must get out before they come!
CNY eve, he received an sms from a number that differed from his by only the last digit. Though he didn't know who this was, he exchanged a number of messages and learnt only two things: that she (yes) would tell him who she was at the end of the day, and that she was full of expletives.
Like me, I told him, full of expletives! Ok not that much but sometimes.. Not the mf he used to know, he said, after a tiny pause. Oh well, what does that say of me..!
Anyway, I got very curious, naturally. And being in a cranky mood, I offered to ring her up to check her out! :p
mf: *Smiling* Hi! Do you know someone called C? He was perplexed that *blah blah*
Strange girl: Oh.. Are you his sister?
mf: Nop! Friend, just curious haha!
Strange girl: I'll tell him at the end of today *blah blah*
So, ruled out his cousin. And his conclusion was that it was someone who didn't know him actually, some random act by some random person!
Well, true to her word, she later informed that they didn't know each other! So bo!
PS: I'll come back to blog on my cny happenings when I get the photos up :) CNY fun!
PS2: I'm quite pissed this morning, woken by a ringing phone and Mother talking on the phone. One-sided contents revealed the identity of the caller, who is coming to visit tonight. One family of gossip mongers! Full of shit since forever! Damn irritating! I must get out before they come!
Tuesday, 8 February 2005
CNY, yeah!
Mother didn't buy 10kg of meat afterall :p But we're having lots of meat tonight man! Fried dumplings with pork and prawns, steamed chicken (it was an offering to gods this morning), a whole slab of a part of pig (yet another offering item), yummy soup and some other things that she refused to say anymore..
Oh we're not having steamboat, that'll be tomorrow with Grams and all. Everyone will be there, it'll be so fun! Be putting up photos for sure :)
So! Let me leave this year behind with some festive greetings for all.. Heard this in office today, let me reprise:
Have a cock year ahead, everyone!
Kidding! =D
Happy happy CNY! :)
Oh we're not having steamboat, that'll be tomorrow with Grams and all. Everyone will be there, it'll be so fun! Be putting up photos for sure :)
So! Let me leave this year behind with some festive greetings for all.. Heard this in office today, let me reprise:
Have a cock year ahead, everyone!
Kidding! =D
Happy happy CNY! :)
Dear old lappy!
Desktop was crap, IE kept shutting down due to some error.. So I dug out my 4.5 year old lappy! Though it's still running on Win 98, and everything takes eternity, it's such a nice familiar feeling icq-ing on it that I don't mind at all! :) And when MSN is up and running, it'll be like in Oxford!
Monday, 7 February 2005
Randoms of the day
A.M.
Mother: Later going to central to buy pork.. Think I need to bring $100..
Kao! How much meat is that?!
Fyi, it costs about $10/kg..
Later, on my way to MRT station, bumped into Mother
mf: *wave* *nod head*
Mother: Where you going? *mf didn't get to answer* Just saw YQ back there.. Aiyah very heavy!
And she's gone!
A minute down the road
YQ: *Nod head while on phone, hand spread in "what?" sign*
mf: *Nod head, hand spread in "what?" sign*
YQ: *Nod head while on phone, still! Hand spread in "what?" sign*
mf: *Nod head, hand spread in "what?" sign*
Bo.. And I walked by.
P.M.
Ker: Suddenly want to bite your nose..
mf: Kek?!
Now who's the dog here..
Btw, he gave me a new bad nick based on my initials, which, like some other nicks, I would flatly refuse to acknowledge.. *Pause* Don't tell me you haven't gotten it ok! Sighs.. My initials like that, my fault ah?
Later P.M.
Mother: He never fed the fish this morning! *Feeding stupid fish, Cooing stupid fish*
mf: Tell him to give the freaking thing away la..
Mother: Sometimes talk to it leh..
mf: You or YQ?
Mother: Me, haha!
Ah well, I talk to Meh :)
Mother: Later going to central to buy pork.. Think I need to bring $100..
Kao! How much meat is that?!
Fyi, it costs about $10/kg..
Later, on my way to MRT station, bumped into Mother
mf: *wave* *nod head*
Mother: Where you going? *mf didn't get to answer* Just saw YQ back there.. Aiyah very heavy!
And she's gone!
A minute down the road
YQ: *Nod head while on phone, hand spread in "what?" sign*
mf: *Nod head, hand spread in "what?" sign*
YQ: *Nod head while on phone, still! Hand spread in "what?" sign*
mf: *Nod head, hand spread in "what?" sign*
Bo.. And I walked by.
P.M.
Ker: Suddenly want to bite your nose..
mf: Kek?!
Now who's the dog here..
Btw, he gave me a new bad nick based on my initials, which, like some other nicks, I would flatly refuse to acknowledge.. *Pause* Don't tell me you haven't gotten it ok! Sighs.. My initials like that, my fault ah?
Later P.M.
Mother: He never fed the fish this morning! *Feeding stupid fish, Cooing stupid fish*
mf: Tell him to give the freaking thing away la..
Mother: Sometimes talk to it leh..
mf: You or YQ?
Mother: Me, haha!
Ah well, I talk to Meh :)
Spring-cleaning day!
Claimed off today, for Xmas (and Fri for NY, yay!) to clean out my wardrobe and a whole assortment of cabinets and draers from the living room to the two bedrooms to even the kitchen - I've decided to conveniently forget my stuff in the storeroom, no time!
So it happened that yesterday I was cleaning two of my most painful cabinets, the ones filled to the brim (seriously!) with the essence of my school years. Among the Oxford collection were some old letters and cards etc. I read all of them and made a quick decision: to dump those which had lost their significance.
As I dropped them into the black hole and slammed it shut, I realised I did it without any tinge of regret. Which made me think: am I heartless, am I bo chap or simply 拿得起, 放得下? Anyway, I thought, what's the point of holding on too much to the past unless the past still means something in the present? I'm at peace :)
Then there were other letters in the pile which I 舍不得扔. Friends from far and near wrote to me at their darkest hours, during my most brain-crushing terms, about friendships, about life, about literature. These, I carefully put away with my other precious from Oxford. They were mostly, in fact, all from two of my closest friends, Na and Kel.
Which reminds me.. Last Sat, Na and I were at MW again. Wasn't as fun as my birthday do; maybe we weren't high enough. So decided that we would no longer go play using 牙齿生日 as an excuse anymore :p But we did have a good, serious chat away from the din, everything was laid out on the table now, which also means that contents are strictly classified; let's just say we'll be great housemates when the day comes! :)
So, back to spring-cleaning..
After the Oxford stuff, I found an old envelope, big one. Remember what we used to do in school towards the end of all our graduation years, pri, sec, jc? Autographs! Pretty silly to think about it now actually, cos the people who had something to write would stay in contact even without writing anything! But of course there are exceptions. Like this friend whom I was close to in school. Somehow we lost contact over the years and no one seemed to feel the need to say hi again. His was at the back of everything cos it was an A4 jigsaw puzzle of a cat. I didn't read all he wrote but I saw this behind the backing: God must have spent a little more time on you! Really? Heh :p
Still have two more drawers to tidy up, and my bedside table. If I close one eye, I can leave one drawer alone; last time I opened it was at the last spring-cleaning.. Oops the moment I typed that, OCD-ish mf said I must clean. Ok ok but tomorrow la, cos I'm so tired now..
Oh, for the record, I did go to gym yesterday. Muscles aching now but I'm happy :)
So it happened that yesterday I was cleaning two of my most painful cabinets, the ones filled to the brim (seriously!) with the essence of my school years. Among the Oxford collection were some old letters and cards etc. I read all of them and made a quick decision: to dump those which had lost their significance.
As I dropped them into the black hole and slammed it shut, I realised I did it without any tinge of regret. Which made me think: am I heartless, am I bo chap or simply 拿得起, 放得下? Anyway, I thought, what's the point of holding on too much to the past unless the past still means something in the present? I'm at peace :)
Then there were other letters in the pile which I 舍不得扔. Friends from far and near wrote to me at their darkest hours, during my most brain-crushing terms, about friendships, about life, about literature. These, I carefully put away with my other precious from Oxford. They were mostly, in fact, all from two of my closest friends, Na and Kel.
Which reminds me.. Last Sat, Na and I were at MW again. Wasn't as fun as my birthday do; maybe we weren't high enough. So decided that we would no longer go play using 牙齿生日 as an excuse anymore :p But we did have a good, serious chat away from the din, everything was laid out on the table now, which also means that contents are strictly classified; let's just say we'll be great housemates when the day comes! :)
So, back to spring-cleaning..
After the Oxford stuff, I found an old envelope, big one. Remember what we used to do in school towards the end of all our graduation years, pri, sec, jc? Autographs! Pretty silly to think about it now actually, cos the people who had something to write would stay in contact even without writing anything! But of course there are exceptions. Like this friend whom I was close to in school. Somehow we lost contact over the years and no one seemed to feel the need to say hi again. His was at the back of everything cos it was an A4 jigsaw puzzle of a cat. I didn't read all he wrote but I saw this behind the backing: God must have spent a little more time on you! Really? Heh :p
Still have two more drawers to tidy up, and my bedside table. If I close one eye, I can leave one drawer alone; last time I opened it was at the last spring-cleaning.. Oops the moment I typed that, OCD-ish mf said I must clean. Ok ok but tomorrow la, cos I'm so tired now..
Oh, for the record, I did go to gym yesterday. Muscles aching now but I'm happy :)
Saturday, 5 February 2005
Conquer the Flying Man, I did not..
After a ten-year hiatus, I had another encounter with the Flying Man one Sat morning. And what a miserable one!
I already knew the Flying Man hated me since our first meeting. But the Bo Bian Act then decreed that we must work together for two years. And for those two years, I was tortured by his stubborn wheels and hacking cough! But I bit back once when I broke the rope that kept his wheels going, heh heh! Not that it did me any good though, cos I still needed to work with him..
Revealing, the legendary Flying Man!
*Drumrolls*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Source: mf
He's a sewing machine, if you can't tell :p Older than me somemore, part of Mother's dowry, I think..
Actually I've always thought he is a Singer. He must have sensed that.. No wonder he didn't like me!
Kel gave me a "bitch" T-shirt many years back. I like it, the wordings, wore it for more than a year while in Oxford. But I don't look pretty wearing it cos it's too big. How can mf go out in it if she doesn't look pretty?! So I attempted to alter the thing, make it smaller, more fitting.
So I uncovered the Man. Gosh, he didn't age one bit in ten years while I'm all grown up! :p
For about an hour, I made markings on the shirt, used pins to hold down the edges, gingerly moved the fabric through the Man in my brother's stinky room, sweating and squinting under the crappy lighting.
And this is the sad result..
Source: mf
Sighs..
In the end I cut out the picture and kept it. Maybe frame it or something. When I get my own room, which I'm getting btw! :)
In case the words aren't clear:
"I'M 51% SWEETHEART
49% BITCH
DONT PUSH IT!
(picture of silly bird)
PERCENTAGES SUBJECT TO CHANGE
WITHOUT NOTICE"
I already knew the Flying Man hated me since our first meeting. But the Bo Bian Act then decreed that we must work together for two years. And for those two years, I was tortured by his stubborn wheels and hacking cough! But I bit back once when I broke the rope that kept his wheels going, heh heh! Not that it did me any good though, cos I still needed to work with him..
Revealing, the legendary Flying Man!
*Drumrolls*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Source: mf
He's a sewing machine, if you can't tell :p Older than me somemore, part of Mother's dowry, I think..
Actually I've always thought he is a Singer. He must have sensed that.. No wonder he didn't like me!
Kel gave me a "bitch" T-shirt many years back. I like it, the wordings, wore it for more than a year while in Oxford. But I don't look pretty wearing it cos it's too big. How can mf go out in it if she doesn't look pretty?! So I attempted to alter the thing, make it smaller, more fitting.
So I uncovered the Man. Gosh, he didn't age one bit in ten years while I'm all grown up! :p
For about an hour, I made markings on the shirt, used pins to hold down the edges, gingerly moved the fabric through the Man in my brother's stinky room, sweating and squinting under the crappy lighting.
And this is the sad result..
Source: mf
Sighs..
In the end I cut out the picture and kept it. Maybe frame it or something. When I get my own room, which I'm getting btw! :)
In case the words aren't clear:
"I'M 51% SWEETHEART
49% BITCH
DONT PUSH IT!
(picture of silly bird)
PERCENTAGES SUBJECT TO CHANGE
WITHOUT NOTICE"
Friday, 4 February 2005
Ouch..
My stomach seems to have detached herself from the surrounding tissues. If I so much as make a bigger movement than usual, like adding a skip to my steps, which I just did, I can feel her waking to her unhappiness, reverberating through my middle body, complaining to the surrounding nerves, which, in turn, transmit deadly signals, via the central nervous system to which they are so intricately linked, to the part of the brain that says: pain.
Ok, not deadly. I'm being melodramatic with all the description in one single freaking long sentence. Been reading "Middlesex" by Jeffrey Eugenides. Which reminds me of "Midnight's Children" somehow..
Last week I was reading "the curious incident of the dog in the night-time". The boy has autism but he knows every country in the world and, get this, EVERY PRIME NUMBER UP TO 7057!!
Envious. I like prime numbers. But my biggest prime number is 97. 101. Erm, I know 103 is a prime number too. 107, 109, 113! And 127, 131, 137! Ok, stop! Just realise I know bigger prime numbers :p But still, not up to 7057! I find that I identify with the 15 year old boy, and even imagine/fear that maybe I do have mild autism. We, the boy and I, have eerily quite a number of things in common, though not all the time. Hear that people with autism often live in a world of their own, with their own rules; I live in a dream world. Hence all the similarities, maybe?
Anyway, been reading lately. Now, after "Middlesex", I'll finally attempt to write. It may turn out to be crap but I'll write. Afterall, I'm sure there're people like me who read both serious stuff and crap :)
What? You read only serious stuff? Why the hell are you here then? :p
Ok, not deadly. I'm being melodramatic with all the description in one single freaking long sentence. Been reading "Middlesex" by Jeffrey Eugenides. Which reminds me of "Midnight's Children" somehow..
Last week I was reading "the curious incident of the dog in the night-time". The boy has autism but he knows every country in the world and, get this, EVERY PRIME NUMBER UP TO 7057!!
Envious. I like prime numbers. But my biggest prime number is 97. 101. Erm, I know 103 is a prime number too. 107, 109, 113! And 127, 131, 137! Ok, stop! Just realise I know bigger prime numbers :p But still, not up to 7057! I find that I identify with the 15 year old boy, and even imagine/fear that maybe I do have mild autism. We, the boy and I, have eerily quite a number of things in common, though not all the time. Hear that people with autism often live in a world of their own, with their own rules; I live in a dream world. Hence all the similarities, maybe?
Anyway, been reading lately. Now, after "Middlesex", I'll finally attempt to write. It may turn out to be crap but I'll write. Afterall, I'm sure there're people like me who read both serious stuff and crap :)
What? You read only serious stuff? Why the hell are you here then? :p
Randomising with Na
I had a sudden random thought some time yesterday: mf is a ball of fluff, like what the cat coughed up in Shrek 2.
That's different, said Na, that's a hair ball.
But isn't hair ball fluffy? And fluff ball is like hair ball, irregular but roundish nevertheless?
Ah well..
We broke into song on the way to MRT, have not done that in a long time, the two of us!
“這一生也在進取 這分鐘卻掛念誰
我會說是唯獨你 不可失去
好風光似幻似虛 說明人生樂趣
我會說為情為愛 仍然是對
誰比你重要 成功了敗了也完全無重要
誰比你重要 狂風與暴雨都因你燃燒
一追再追…！”
That's different, said Na, that's a hair ball.
But isn't hair ball fluffy? And fluff ball is like hair ball, irregular but roundish nevertheless?
Ah well..
We broke into song on the way to MRT, have not done that in a long time, the two of us!
“這一生也在進取 這分鐘卻掛念誰
我會說是唯獨你 不可失去
好風光似幻似虛 說明人生樂趣
我會說為情為愛 仍然是對
誰比你重要 成功了敗了也完全無重要
誰比你重要 狂風與暴雨都因你燃燒
一追再追…！”
Thursday, 3 February 2005
Appendix A
Oh, did I mention that I did a quadruple spin last night? :)
*Happy*
Update 4 Feb 2005
NEVER forget to give credit: yes, Hup span me :)
Wait, sounds weird in the past tense..
Wait 2! Should it be span or spun?!
Gaaah, mf is confused on a Fri morning ~.~
*Happy*
Update 4 Feb 2005
NEVER forget to give credit: yes, Hup span me :)
Wait, sounds weird in the past tense..
Wait 2! Should it be span or spun?!
Gaaah, mf is confused on a Fri morning ~.~
Out of the pits!
Last night, I came to a conclusion: I've been suffering from gym withdrawal symptoms. Pent up frustrations had no channel to drain out of me into kinetic energy. That should explain my mood swings in the past week or so.. No?
Anyway, since I've found myself a plausible explanation, I decided that I wanted to delete my nonsensical entries written over the weekend; so not mf at all! Public apology to YX too cos that was also written in the pits..
But in the end, I decided to let it be; deleting old entries won't erase anything from my memories anyway!
Now that's more mf :)
So I'll hit the gym this weekend.. There, I've said it, so I MUST go!
Remind me :p
Anyway, since I've found myself a plausible explanation, I decided that I wanted to delete my nonsensical entries written over the weekend; so not mf at all! Public apology to YX too cos that was also written in the pits..
But in the end, I decided to let it be; deleting old entries won't erase anything from my memories anyway!
Now that's more mf :)
So I'll hit the gym this weekend.. There, I've said it, so I MUST go!
Remind me :p
Wednesday, 2 February 2005
I forgot..
Sighs, as if I wasn't feeling down enough.. This morning, I was looking at my calendar and thought, so fast Feb already, when I realised Monday was 31 Jan.
Wasn't that YX's 25?!
Guess what, I emailed him that day to tell him my flights were confirmed without realising it was his birthday!
That day, I totally forgot..
Feeling bad now.. But still, no excuse so,
SORRY, MY FRIEND!
I feel very sian cos this reaffirms that I'm not a very good friend to my friends. Very often, I find that I forget things, I don't keep in contact, I don't give compliments, I can be mean, I can be irritable, and I forget more things and do things my own way, on my own.
Hopefully quickstep tonight can help me get out of this self-reproaching mood =(
Wasn't that YX's 25?!
Guess what, I emailed him that day to tell him my flights were confirmed without realising it was his birthday!
That day, I totally forgot..
Feeling bad now.. But still, no excuse so,
SORRY, MY FRIEND!
I feel very sian cos this reaffirms that I'm not a very good friend to my friends. Very often, I find that I forget things, I don't keep in contact, I don't give compliments, I can be mean, I can be irritable, and I forget more things and do things my own way, on my own.
Hopefully quickstep tonight can help me get out of this self-reproaching mood =(
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