Thinking out loud - encrypted

A string of events that unfolded in the past ten days has rippled across my seemingly uneventful life.

I've been quite happy in my little nutshell of a world. Nvm that life is pretty unexciting, nvm that work can be straining, nvm that I sometimes feel stupid, nvm a lot of things. What matters is that things are going good enough for me.

Now, well, I can't say I'm unhappy. Just bothered. Bothered by my thoughts. Some time this afternoon, a thought popped into my head, as thoughts sometimes do.

"You need to re-evaluate certain values you hold."

I think that was my rational, non-OCD self speaking.

Ok, I thought, it's time for me to search my soul.

Actually, I was musing over something a few days ago: am I lonely?

Honestly, ever since I left secondary school, the only times I recall feeling lonely were when I was in a group and yet felt detached. After the solo thing in OBS, I said that while I was alone, I didn't feel lonely. True, isn't it? That loneliness isn't just about physical isolation; it's got more to do with the emotions.

This particular series of events forced me to rethink the above. Perhaps loneliness can sink into the subconscious without you realising until a catalyst surfaces? But this doesn't hold water, I don't actually feel lonely, no matter how much I try to explain it to myself, it just doesn't make sense. It couldn't be loneliness.

Erm, a thought, rather, a word, just hit me two seconds ago: boredom. Have I mistaken boredom for loneliness? I could reconcile with boredom. Ya, that would explain a lot. Since my life is so plain-sailing, boredom seems to be the inevitable parasite.

So pls, ignore the loneliness crap I wrote above; irrelevant now that I've decided I'm more bored than anything else.

Ok, I've established that boredom is the root cause of my current, eh, "confusion"; I could safely say that it has a certain bearing on my dominant persona. Said "confusion" is that I'm not sure if I should indulge the dominant or listen to my smaller rational self.

*Long pause*

Am I slow or what? I just realised that if I would just listen to my rational side, everything will be quite clear-cut..

But question, big question: can I maintain that stand and not succumb to, simply put, boredom?

Actually I don't wish to continue writing cos mind is blanking out. Need to chew on it a bit more. Somehow, this thing has just evolved into a review of who and what I really am. Good la, re-activate my brain.

Catch no ball? Well, you're not supposed to, unless we've talked!

Dedicate this post to two persons, you know who you are. Perhaps you might gain a better insight into me through this than just talking. I'm crap at talking.

Update 24 Feb 05
Not saying that it's been boring all this while with you, my dear friends. It's just, you know, every day is like a routine, every other week I do the same things all over again. Not often that we have a nice trip out. But if fun outings happen too often, they become routine too.. Man, just realised that life is one whole cycle of repetitions! Gaaah!