Standing at the origin

Today's the 9th day of CNY. Mother was supposed to make offerings to some god this morning. Kept telling her to wait until I left the house before lighting the incense sticks cos I couldn't take the smoke.

But I was fastening the last clasp on my shoes when she started to light the whole damn bunch of sticks. Diffusion was instant.

TWO MINUTES ONLY, CANNOT WAIT MEH?!

I was so damn pissed, early in the morning my eyes kena smoked! No wonder I have a deep-seated thing against my religion. My born religion. And which I've totally denounced these days.

No, I don't think I'm totally atheistic. I just find it hard to have such faith, such religious faith. Even Mother, is she really religious? Grams removed her altar many years ago. I suggested removing ours to make the house look roomier. But Mother said no, she didn't want to "offend the gods" by stopping after all these years. Is that religiously faithful? I don't actually believe in such outward manifest of belief.

But let's go upstream: do I believe in the existence of god? Or gods? How about goddess(es)?

When I was a kid, I used to believe in deities and demons and the like, influenced by trips to temples and, more often, TV. But then, my grandmother used to be a virgin.. Ok nvm, something random from office pantry talk! But you get the drift.

I grew to dislike going to temples when my nose cracked up real bad. I would sneeze and cry and sniff and blow my nose away if there's incense smoke in the air. Then I explored Christianity but I just could not connect.

Then one day, in Oxford, I had a "revelation". And one night in St Ives sort of reinforced that little seed of thought. The day I saw beautiful clear skies and the night I stared into the boundless night sky, dotted with countless twinkles. I was so in awe, and simply ecstatic! I remember thinking, "Thank god for this", with reference to no god in particular.

Erm, I lost my point..

Anyway, back to earth, perhaps it's got something to do with me being mathsy. It's too mind-numbing to think above 3D so just the three coordinates leading to infinity! :p

The idea of infinity is most awesome. I remember that since childhood, I would always think of a very big number and then, a bigger number and a bigger one and another. It was endless. It scared but intrigued me at the same time. "Infinity" was an alien word to kiddo mf.

Anyway, I think what I want to say is that, simply put, I believe in the existence of a greater being and my gender neutral greater being happens to be right above us. Or rather, all around us. The giant conglomeration of orbiting planets and burning stars, the ambivalent forces of nature, the intangible sights, smells, sounds and feel of things around us. It's like infinity, with me at (0, 0, 0) and everything else in all directions away from me. It's something too large to grasp but close enough to awe and cheer and inspire. No idol worship, no offerings, just happy inside will do.

Ok, a bit abstract, I realise. And mf-ised. But it's difficult to translate feelings into words ok!! And oh dear, I didn't mean for this to be such a long story..

Last point then: what happens when I die, if I don't believe in heaven? Or hell for that matter? Well, I guess I'll go with my body into the soil, into the wind, back to the elements, drawn to the stars, whatever.. And I wouldn't know anything by then :)

Suddenly thought of something. I think Grams removed her altar cos she's happy without a god (or his picture - is that really his picture?!) in the house. Could it be that Mother needs to pray to find peace? If that's the case, is making offerings twice a month to a pictorial representation really sufficient?

Another: I realised that my relationship with her will never be as good as when I was in Oxford; it's too serious a clash of cultures, beliefs, habits and lifestyle living together in the tiny flat. Her time-capsuled mind is unhappy, my fledging but trapped soul is suffocating.

Random PS: Received a comment from a "U know who". Sorry, I don't know! Who?