A chat that starry Wed night made me ask myself a question that I've never really thought about: do I want to get married?
Answer: yes I want.
It's no secret that this household was dysfunctional. Mother did not (still do not) talk to him; he was always sleeping (now I don't know nor care what he's doing); the siblings are forever at loggerheads. I've been craving for a loving home for most of my life.
Just lucky I have a nice extended family, maternal side. Lovely cousins, among them I have someone to confide in and the kids to play with, though the eldest kid is already 18 - gosh just realised that! Aunt dotes on all of us cousins like we're her own. Cute Grams used to watch by the desk while I did all those F Maths TYS, just smiling, not saying a thing. And once I step into the house, she will ask if I want kopi or "beelok" (Milo la), or if I want to have lunch, even though it may be 4pm already. That's a very warm feeling, especially the first time I visited her after returning from Oxford in 2003.
"You're back. Not going away anymore? (No, back for good..) *Nod nod* .. You want kopi?"
:)
Oh dear, I'm going to cry already, thinking about my sweet Grams. Quite silly!
My rosy wish is that one day, I'll have my own family, and one day, I'll be like my Grams, the caring wife to my late Grandfather, the perfect mother to her kids, the cute grandmother to us, even the wonderful mother-in-law that she is to her four daughters-in-law. She is my idol!
But the desire for a home to call my own is just one reason, because a marriage is about two persons, not just myself.
Last night, a friend and I were talking about why people get married. Not for convenience, not because of xi guan. I painted a very beautiful picture of reasons. First time I actually articulated it, albeit a bit hesitantly. One thing cos it's a personal thought. Though I had denied it, on retrospect, I think I was also afraid that people might laugh at me for being naive or whatever :p So hey pal, thanks for not laughing! :) Decide I shall not share my mental picture here in case the cynics roll their eyes :p
Said friend thought I would get married one day. But I thought, not necessarily. Which brings me to the hidden meaning of my answer: I want to get married but I don't need to :p
Without a proper home, and with the turbulent 1990s, I didn't start to appreciate my extended family until recent years. Before then, however, I put my heart into friendships for the longest time.
Ok it may be very messy from this point cos I'm crap at disentangling my jumbled-up thoughts.
I think I've mentioned before that I didn't like myself. I used to value my friends too much, cos I thought they were all I had if I didn't have a home. I think I also neglected myself quite a bit back then. But later I realised that I was wrong; some of these people were not really my friends. I guess that's one reason why I didn't like myself.
Later, I learnt. My friends are really friends; if I call them so in my heart, they're worth every bit of my time.
And then I learnt a bit more. I learnt to like the mf in me. It also hit me that all my friends have other friends and they (will) have their own commitments which need not involve me. My final year in Oxford taught me to be comfortable with my own solitude. Perhaps too comfortable already! Now I'm happy on my own and my friends are a delightful bonus :) And with Grams, I no longer crave for a another family.
So if I don't bump into the guy in my picture, heh heh, another rosy wish is that I shall be the most loved auntie to my cousins' and my friends' kids like Aunt is! :)
Since either of my rosy wishes will surely come true, I'm contented :)
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