Sunday, 30 January 2005

Reflecting an old reflection

During the sun tanning session this morning, Kel and I were talking about how we miss UK, especially the final years. I remembered the many goodbyes that were said, and I struggled to remember the places that I loved so much..

I was tidying a bit of my stuff when I came across this notebook that accompanied me from SG to Oxford and back to SG again. Only a few blank pages are left. I don’t think I’m not going to use it anymore but I’m not dumping it. I’ve written some stuff on the inside of the hard cover, which I’m going to put down in its entirety. Well, almost..

“一位挚友曾说:‘既回不了停留了三年的新加坡,也回不了阔别了三年的香港。心中一直知道需要给予自己时间去重新适应,但总不期然泛起不被人了解的感觉。做事总是战战兢兢,深怕自己伤害了别人,也怕令人有所误解。回想起这段时间,做错了很多的事,说错了很多的话,也发了很多不应发的脾气,但感激你们在我身边包容我、体谅我的朋友。更感激一班无论在哪里仍然默默为我祝福的你们。I miss you and love you all!

今天黄昏的彩霞很美,愿你我都懂得去珍惜。’

也许自己此刻的心情,和她在写这几句的心情一样。怕伤害到别人,尤其是朋友,怕受到伤害,其实是很普通的一个道理。当你看到与你同窗两年,相处近三年的好朋友突然离开了你的周围,回到自己真正的家去,你会怎样呢?你能够怎样?没对她好好说些祝福的话,其实那天匆匆从公司赶到机场,根本没时间足以说什么话,很遗憾… 也许应该给她一个拥抱,再和其他几个好友当地哭一场,也许人多,彼此相互安慰,心情会好很多… 偏偏当时大家竟然似哑了,谁都没多说两句。从机场回家的一小时途中,我哭了。她走了,以后好难才会见到她,好难才会再一次聚在食堂,聚在KAP,好好聊上几小时,好难… 然后,又一个聚餐,是一个饯行会,他走了。再来,他也走了。终于,到我走了。最后,大家都走了,一直以来最心爱的那群人也越来越难再碰面了… 做错的事,说错的话,过去的事,算了!泪水抹掉又是一天,日子照旧。我,愿意与她,他,还有你,一同去珍惜。

给Sali 的。”

Maybe last night I was feeling like I was when I first wrote the above..

Oppa! :)

Eh, I read what I wrote last night.. Feeling a bit 莫明其妙 now! But I shall not delete it so that I can be reminded of my, erm, random manifestation of the dark side..?

Whatever..

Anyway, I was reading an email from Min. Very happy cos he signed off as Min oppa, which means brother (to a younger sister) in Korean :)

I've always wanted an elder brother, or rather, I want to be the little sister and not this big sister who has to take care of things around the house and feels responsible for people at the wrong age =/

Some time ago in the office, I was saying something like I always wanted to be a princess when I was a kid, and even now, at age 25! Princess, the epitome of perfection and everything nice and pretty and sweet-smelling. And Princess M has a nice ring to it! I think this is related to me wanting to be a little sister actually..

Even though I'm no longer a little girl, and the responsibilities no longer feel as heavy, I'm still glad to have someone acknowledge himself as my bro. Maybe cos it's like fulfilling a childhood dream?

Think I've got many bros around me, my buddies. But most feel like younger bros, I'm still the 大姐大 haha! :p

Troubled midnight

Feeling quite off now. Don't know why.

I'm sitting here in the living room at freaking 1202am on a Sat night/early Sun morning. The lights are off, keyboard illuminated only by the glare off the monitor screen, and my stomach is having one hell of a time giving me hell over my dinner of two handfuls of cashew nuts, one bowl of green vege, a fried fish fillet, a bowl of clear soup, 4/5 of a guava and a Taiwanese sausage.

I swear I was damn full even without the sausage. Stomach just likes to screw me; eat or not, it really doesn't matter at all!

But I feel off not because of my stomach. Whenever I have gastric pain, I'll go to bed asap and sleep it away, best cure. But not tonight, I don't feel like it. I'm feeling off.

My typing is very loud on a lousy keyboard. I hear silence intermittently, when I stop typing to look down on my hands which I put on my legs when I pause. I'll just stare and not see, or I'll close my eyes for a while then stare again, before eventually resuming typing.

I'm trying to sort out what is happening between my ears now. I'm confused cos I'm not the kind who can't sleep!

Something is gnawing at the inside of my head, at a spot where I can't reach to pull away the nasty pest. It's like an itch you can't scratch just that instead of being irritating, it keeps biting, biting, leaving me feeling kind of, empty..?

It's an uneasy feeling, totally unsettling. I like things simple and clear.


On the way back just now, fourth time this week that I walked that lane, I felt some sort of anger. Directed at? Don't know. Don't even know where the anger came from, so weird. I had my Ayumi album with me and I had to repeat track #2 to calm me down a bit.

At first I thought when I got back, I would come online to see if there's anyone I want to talk to about my sudden abstract feelings. But can't find a name I'll readily click for tonight.

No resolution 30min after the start of this. I'm getting really sick of whatever. Quite frustrated though but in a quiet way - I'm not screaming yet.

Decided to plug into Ayumi again and seek solace in Meh.

Saturday, 29 January 2005

Which animal are you?

I'm supposed to leave cyberspace to go out but I took out something cute from my bag: the little lamb Na gave me on Thurs, to iron onto clothes.

I brought it to work on Fri and showed it to FK and Siok. Both said Little Lamb looked like me! Gee..

FK said that everyone has an animal. I didn't quite understand until she explained. It's just like how I think some people remind me of a squirrel or mouse or cat! Good to know I'm not the only one to see animals in people :p But for some people, I just can't put any animal to them!

A few examples of "animalistic" people :p

CY's a rabbit. Na is a lion. Lioness. or Tweety. Maybe cos of her Simbad and her Tweety Birds! Susan is a squirrel. Tok's a mouse. SY is a cat. So is FK. Siok is a cat too, but younger. Think that makes her a kitten, like this :)



Source: Some email..

And I'm a sheep, like Meh! :)



Source: mf

Indulging in a serious question.. oooh..!

A chat that starry Wed night made me ask myself a question that I've never really thought about: do I want to get married?

Answer: yes I want.

It's no secret that this household was dysfunctional. Mother did not (still do not) talk to him; he was always sleeping (now I don't know nor care what he's doing); the siblings are forever at loggerheads. I've been craving for a loving home for most of my life.

Just lucky I have a nice extended family, maternal side. Lovely cousins, among them I have someone to confide in and the kids to play with, though the eldest kid is already 18 - gosh just realised that! Aunt dotes on all of us cousins like we're her own. Cute Grams used to watch by the desk while I did all those F Maths TYS, just smiling, not saying a thing. And once I step into the house, she will ask if I want kopi or "beelok" (Milo la), or if I want to have lunch, even though it may be 4pm already. That's a very warm feeling, especially the first time I visited her after returning from Oxford in 2003.

"You're back. Not going away anymore? (No, back for good..) *Nod nod* .. You want kopi?"

:)

Oh dear, I'm going to cry already, thinking about my sweet Grams. Quite silly!

My rosy wish is that one day, I'll have my own family, and one day, I'll be like my Grams, the caring wife to my late Grandfather, the perfect mother to her kids, the cute grandmother to us, even the wonderful mother-in-law that she is to her four daughters-in-law. She is my idol!

But the desire for a home to call my own is just one reason, because a marriage is about two persons, not just myself.

Last night, a friend and I were talking about why people get married. Not for convenience, not because of xi guan. I painted a very beautiful picture of reasons. First time I actually articulated it, albeit a bit hesitantly. One thing cos it's a personal thought. Though I had denied it, on retrospect, I think I was also afraid that people might laugh at me for being naive or whatever :p So hey pal, thanks for not laughing! :) Decide I shall not share my mental picture here in case the cynics roll their eyes :p

Said friend thought I would get married one day. But I thought, not necessarily. Which brings me to the hidden meaning of my answer: I want to get married but I don't need to :p

Without a proper home, and with the turbulent 1990s, I didn't start to appreciate my extended family until recent years. Before then, however, I put my heart into friendships for the longest time.

Ok it may be very messy from this point cos I'm crap at disentangling my jumbled-up thoughts.

I think I've mentioned before that I didn't like myself. I used to value my friends too much, cos I thought they were all I had if I didn't have a home. I think I also neglected myself quite a bit back then. But later I realised that I was wrong; some of these people were not really my friends. I guess that's one reason why I didn't like myself.

Later, I learnt. My friends are really friends; if I call them so in my heart, they're worth every bit of my time.

And then I learnt a bit more. I learnt to like the mf in me. It also hit me that all my friends have other friends and they (will) have their own commitments which need not involve me. My final year in Oxford taught me to be comfortable with my own solitude. Perhaps too comfortable already! Now I'm happy on my own and my friends are a delightful bonus :) And with Grams, I no longer crave for a another family.

So if I don't bump into the guy in my picture, heh heh, another rosy wish is that I shall be the most loved auntie to my cousins' and my friends' kids like Aunt is! :)

Since either of my rosy wishes will surely come true, I'm contented :)

God of Wealth!

Eh, he appeared at my doorstep *.*

I was cooking lunch and Mother was hanging out (or bringing in, not sure :p) the laundry and she told me God of Wealth came by yesterday and gave her a big shock.

Confused, I stopped stirring.

"Oh, your dream ah?"

Chey! Resumed stirring.

"No, real!"

"Huh?!"

Turned out to be some joker with all the gear and some 4-digit numbers who offered Mother a number for money. Glad that she was lucid enough to say no and send him away. Heard enough horror stories of housewives or old grannies who were cheated of their savings blah blah.

But God of Wealth?! Incredulous..

I'm like a (slow) fish, I'll only swim away (a little)..

Just back from my very first swimming lesson of my entire life. Suspect my muscles are going to ache to my bones tomorrow this time. Maybe even earlier =/

Didnt realise before that breathing out is through both the nose and the mouth, felt a bit weird at the beginning - I mean, you don't breathe like that normally right?? - then got a bit more used to it towards the end. But between the beginning and the end, well, quite jia lat la..

An intro: students, only me and Gal(vin) who is 12 years old, I think - don't say whatever you are thinking and stop thinking, just read! Man who can swim, Alan. Or Allen? Hmmm, I'll just put Al, should be right :)

We glided for a while. Just gliding ok, not much energy required, simple momentum should do the trick. But mf here has weak lungs; I could barely last five seconds under water!

Another problem: mf has near-zero balance. If I remember correctly, balance is controlled by the medulla oblongata which is located near the top of the nape.. Don't remember ever knocking into it or kena whacked by anyone there.. SO WHY IS MY BALANCE SO CRAP?! Pool wasn't even turbulent, bah! Very often, I would tilt left and right, not direction leh. Eh how to say.. Imagine you BBQ a fish on a skewer, like flipping something over like that? Ya.. Crap.. And I'm not even gliding straight, kept moving to the left *shrug*

My fingers have a habit of opening up voluntarily. When Al reminded me to keep them closed, I realised that they were spread like I'm trying to balance when walking! Seemed like my body was trying to balance herself, smart but hello, relax!

Then my kicking was crap too. I could swim just a little before this morning, the result of watching little boys and girls at their weekly swimming lessons many years ago! Haha, remember that, Jo? :p But you did better, you learnt to swim eventually, smart girl..

Anyway, my kicking. I've been so wrong all this while! Sighs.. We took a board and tried kicking all the way to the other side. Then another problem surfaced: I was arching my back too much; my feet were kissing the floor in no time. Best part: I wasn't even moving forward a lot despite my near-fanatic kicking =(

But I feel my muscles working, and I imagine my lungs growing stronger (so I can sing better) and I feel happy. I believe I'll learn how to swim properly soon. Tomorrow go tanning, weather permitting. Will also revise what I've learnt today :)

PS: On the way back, thought Gal is quite big for his age. Ting-gia and Boy still look so tiny for secondary boys! I shall buy more chocolates for them next time I see them :p

Thursday, 27 January 2005

Something nice

Yesterday Sito complained that whenever his name appeared in this blog, it's nothing good so I'll try to put in something good this time.

Sito's quickstep was good from the start. Sito's waltz was getting better!

There, happy? :)

I want to say good things about Hup too. Pls don't wear shapeless T-shirts, not flattering - oops, bad. You looked very good that day in proper shirt and trousers - good :) Though I did say you looked beng - ok, bad again - but hey, you're not really beng and you're going to be your female (and some male?) students' idol - good, yeah! :p Now don't say two goods and two bads cancel out ok, cos I remember saying you very pro, wrt shopping, in a previous entry.. Heng ah, heh heh!

I should probably end on a positive note but unfortunately for our friend Sito, there's more..

He said, no less than SIX times in all, that when Na and I have our bachelorette pad, we must invite him when we throw wild house parties! He also said he's happy if it's just a quiet sit-down dinner with nice food and wine.. But only cos I asked! And then he demanded to be invited to the wild parties again.. Sighs, Sito, must give me something good to write, right? :p

Update 29 Jan 05
Must give Hup credit, T-shirts are fine but the loose loose kind just doesn't do you justice! And yes, you'll be invited to dinner too :)

Brownian motion

Suddenly remembered a dream: Some big shot Mr Yoh (huh?!) called me to say that I'm being posted to do fiscal planning (kek?!!) for some pop band (what the..?!!!) and I was very sad cos I still wished to stay on at my current post doing what I thought was far more interesting work (than fiscal planning, obviously!) and enjoying the funny (ok, sexual) banter at the pantry!

Ok, random dream :p

Share some random bites I just recall, from lunch yesterday:

Yoga: So are we going to Fork and Spoon? (that's a foodcourt btw)
FK: Fuck and spoon..?!
Yoga: ...
mf: Mmm, putting it mathematically, one is a subset of the other..

Wednesday, 26 January 2005

Starry starry night

It's difficult to focus when there are a trillion thoughts flying through my mind. Like now. Let me try to concentrate on the past couple of hours..

I'm happy. Just back from two hours of quickstep and waltz. The high from sweeping across the ballroom* is still feeding me like a drug, an addiction.

* Dancefloor la, but feels like a ballroom :)

Music Diary was on as I strolled back from the MRT station. It's been a long time. Not too sure of the story but Ling Zhi's voice was soothing, as always. I suddenly remembered the stars I saw last night on the way back. So I looked up.

Zilch. Well, almost. But no =( cos I was still feeling :)

Sky was very bright, a very pretty electric blue. I could only see a couple of very bright stars. They could be satelites - I can never tell them apart - but I happily believed they were stars, peeping down on little mf who was snaking around cos she couldn't walk straight with her eyes at the sky :p

But where was Orion? I saw Orion's Belt so clearly last night..

It was only when I reached the end of the road that I realised: I walked the same lane last night yes, but at a different time! So it must be a bit higher up.. Scanning the sky some 40degrees up..

Orion's Belt :)

Contented, I smiled, made a little turn on the streets and pranced left towards my block. And the full moon shone right into my eyes. No wonder so bright la!

Seldom see stars in SG skies cos it's usually too bright. And I'm usually rushing through the streets without so much of an upward glance. But tonight I feel light :) And I recall all the stars I saw in Oxford, on the path with the hidden sharks* leading to Jens's house. Realise I've never seen the North Dipper in SG. Hmmm..

* Maybe someday I'll come back to the scary sharks..

Tuesday, 25 January 2005

Now you see me!

Hee, successfully put up a photo of myself using newly-learnt html, happy :)

But this is not my most flattering picture - I seem to have a tummy, yikes! Must be all the beer that night..

Dreaming of spires..

Last night I had a postcard waiting for me on the living room table.

"Oxford University Careers Service"

This morning, I filled in an online questionnaire as requested by the postcard. Then I roamed into the homepage of my alma mater.

A familiar picture greeted me and brought warmth to me in the freezing office.


Source: www.ox.ac.uk

As I ventured a little deeper into the website, I dug into the recesses of my mind.

Closing my eyes, I can see my arms moving and my legs walking along High Street, my lungs taking in the crisp air as my head falls backwards, and I see the beautiful (albeit cloudy) skies, and I'll smile at nothing in particular - maybe the skies - and think, "Man, how wonderful is this!"

At moments like that, I thank the Greater Being* for making it possible for me to be there, to immerse in the simple serenity of a peaceful connection with the intangibles on the buzzing streets filled with temptations from Harvey's to Jigsaw to Carfax Fish & Chips.

* No I'm not religious. No offense but I have enough on my hands to think about the (proof to the) existence of any supernatural greater being. The physics of the world is more powerful than any of us could ever know or even imagine. My Greater Being.. *Pause* I decide I shall not digress and talk about this now (read: maybe later in another post); let's get back to Oxford :)

I recall one day as I left office at 645pm, I felt a familiarity so strong I could only tell Kel in an sms:

"As i walk down the slope at thomson, i had this v familiar feeling, the sky and the smell of the air feels so much like when i was walking down iffley road on gym side back to my ulu flat near dusk. So i look up, breathe in and smile like i always did in oxford. Cheap thrill maybe but man, don't i love the feel!"

Erm, yes I kept the sms..

Things are different here in SG. No spires, no Sheldonian, no freaking weather. But the skies of Oxford sometimes manifest in SG, and sweet familiar smells float by once in a while. I guess I am contented by these little sights and senses whenever they appear.

But other times, I'll still miss the huge spiders in my bathroom, and mourn the big one that I smashed with a detergent bottle.

Monday, 24 January 2005

Brain food

I was at Jo's place baking cookies last Fri. Actually they baked, I was utilising only eye power while chatting away. Before I continue, the cookies are lovely. I'll say they were lovely tomorrow, I think..

Right, so I was at her place, and I marvelled at her huge book shelf. Which was filled, by the way, top to bottom, no space spared. Sometimes I wish I have a huge book shelf stacked with my favourites. But no space to put, no money to buy, no time to read, bah!

But that day, I could not resist it. I have not been reading for a long time, even leisurely. For the longest time, I was telling myself to get my ass to NLB for some brain food but well, meeting friends etc always took precedence. That day, I met friends, AND borrowed three books from Jo :)

I've been reading "Da Vinci's Code" for the past couple of days, almost finishing, since I didn't go out much last weekend. But I realised something today. My eyes have been hurting. Maybe I read too late into the night over the weekend. No longer used to reading at night. I remember reading Louis Cha overnight when in JC. And many others by Jeffrey Archer, Zhang Xiao Xian, David Eddings, Orson Scott Card, Danielle Steele, Agatha Christie, and even the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys series (those in primary school la)!

Boy, I feel like continuing with my book as I write, I think I'll leave office now.. Suddenly there's something better than blogging!

Oh but I'll be back la, I'm too long-winded already, must write :p

mf's Pandora's Box

At 751pm yesterday, I received an sms from Kel: Remember to watch xian1 lu3 qi2 yuan2 at 8!

*Smile*

Back in 1997/8, Channel 8 showed the Stephen Chow versions of Journey to the West: "A Chinese Odyyssey Part 1: Pandora's Box (Yue Guang Bao He)" and "A Chinese Odyssey Part 2: Cinderella (Xian Lv Qi Yuan)". HL, my dear Ling-meimei, came back to class after that, with a passage from Part 2. Many of us obssessed on the passage for quite a long time, including me, who didn't even watch it and who, until now, could still remember the words!

"曾经有份真诚的爱情摆在我面前

但是 我没有珍惜
等到失去的时候才后悔莫及
尘世间最痛苦的事莫过于此
如果上天可以给我一个机会再来一次的话
我会对那个女孩说我爱她
如果非要把这份爱加上一个期限
我希望是一万年"

Imagine my excitement when, some eight years on, I saw the trailers on TV that they were going to show the two movies
again! For the past two Sundays, I religiously rejected all outings :) In fact, last night, I stayed over with Grams just so I could watch it comfortably and for the very first time.

The last scene impressed me, the one where Wukong walked away from the woman he loved. His expression of (almost) nonchalance betrayed a tinge of wu nai.

Sometimes, don't know if it's the superb acting or the audience's emotional participation in a movie that makes you feel the way the protagonist feels.

Anyway, Wukong's emotions in that ending scene stays with me.

While the plot appeared to make little sense, I felt that it was trying to say something along the line of "shi ming, duo bu guo"..

Well, I don't have a Pandora's Box. If I have one, do I really want to make changes to my past? Then what does that make the present me? Am I rewriting my own history? Histories are intertwined; what if I inadvertently affect other histories in the process?

If I could go back in time, I believe there'll be so much I'll want to change, so much I'll want to cherish more, and also so much I'll rather not have or not hang on to for too long. But then, when I've got rid of things I don't want and/or obtained those that I didn't use to have, just as I might not have the bad things that are plaguing me now, I guess I might not have all the good ones that I have now too. And honestly, do I really have a lot plaguing me now? Maybe not :)

So, what if, like Wukong, one day I wake up and find that I've been in a freaking long dream all this while? What if I'm actually an old woman (maybe even man?!) whose whole life flashes before my eyes just before I die?

I don't want to say goodbye in Wukong's final expression. When I wake, or when I die, I want to know that my life has been a fruitful one that I see no need to relive. It might not be da qi da luo, it needs not be too exciting, but no regrets pls.. I can't and - even if I could - likely won't go back in time to live my life all over again. What I can and will do is to make a belated NY resolution to try my mf-est to steer my life properly from this moment!

One day, when my Pandora's box opens in front of me, I'll want to see that, yes, mf's existence has been marked by proud, permanent footprints of mf and company, and not a series of what-should-have-beens..

PS: I do realise this is a weird fairy-airy post.. But resolution still counts ok!

Thursday, 20 January 2005

"Erm, hi?"

Hmmm.. Just got a call from colleague A to ring colleague B to ask about the data that we are requesting from B's office. Supposed to reach us end of today. A said B might not respond very well to him, thought a female approach might work better. Or something like that.

What do I say? Laughed lor! But inside I went "KAO!"

Just realised that I'm the only female AND junior officer working on this thing, dealing with both trivial coordination as well as mind boggling numbers in an excel spreadsheet which, it seems, only I could understand. And hey, actually B never sounded very friendly, so I doubt A's ploy in getting me to call would actually work! Female charm, ya right..

Seriously I hate calling people, like I'm disturbing them from their work by rushing them. But of course, I'm rushing them; timeline very tight =( I'd rather people call me. But I'm rushing them, no reason why they should want to call me right.. Very sian, it's about time to call B already. Have to sound confident and not guilty from the sinfully delicious chocolate coated donut a minute ago..

~ 15min later..

Could reach neither B nor his colleague on phone. But they replied to my email saying they couldn't complete the request today. So mf is leaving now! :)

Psst, I need not feel *too* guilty over that donut - I can jog already! Tomorrow morning! *Wink*

In the depths of PMS

I've been snacking a lot this week. PMS. Having chocolate as I type. Oh I also had the Apollo strawberry-chocolate candy that Yuki in "Nobody Knows" likes :)

Just now Ker called after I sent out a round of sms to cancel plans for the night - with them; I'm still going out but with Na only. He was saying I've always been giving him bad news etc, when boss came along. So, I put him on hold. Then as I was finishing my last sentence, landline rang. Had to put mobile on the desk behind to minimise interference. Turned out to be a rather long call to clarify some minutes so I hung up on Ker without saying a thing! On my return call, I said something like, "whatever, I don't care what you say (mean things about me)" Next I put him on hold once more cos of another call and finally, I had to shit and we hung up :p

Found an email from him after I bounced back from the loo:

"its really starting to get very exasperating simply by toking to you leh.
I think you should be a guy rather than a gal, your level of insensitivity is really beyond cure.
Happy shitting. You really need to clear some of it from your system."

How kind.. @£$%£@@!@ But I also thought it's funny! :p

The way I talk and behave, I don't mean to be mean, no; was just being me. Which encompasses a lot really. Maybe one day I should give mf-ism a proper definition..? Btw, Hup and Sito used the verb form of mf-ism: mf-ise. They said they "mf-ised" their steps when they waltz with me. But hey I thought only I, the real mf, could mf-ise anything! *Pout* And I have not even thought of the verb form yet much less used it.. Naaah! Not pleased, not at all *sulk*

Anyway, an update - last one on this matter - to an obscure line in a previous post: only managed a little "hi" when I saw this interesting guy again as I was occupied, bah!

Now just willing PMS to go away fast; I'm swollen and I can't jog.. Then I won't be able to compensate for all the chocolate I'm having and then I'll get fat which can depress me and then I'll eat more to overcome the doldrums but then I'll get fatter then.. Gaaa!

*Throws the M&M packet into the bin in total self-disgust - empty - and get back to work*

Monday, 17 January 2005

Rocher VS diet? Rocher :)

I'm quite pissed this morning. Think my brother YQ combined with my OCD will drive me nuts one day. The whole basin area was infected with his germs from his giant sneezes and random blowing of his elephant nose! And I realised that he'll continue to be disgusting even when I'm safely in my utility room*. Did I mention he's also a pig? His mobile alarm went off early in the morning before 7am. He didn't snooze it, he didn't stop it, he just let it go on and on until it woke ME up. And he's still sleeping! #&£$%#!@@ Hell I need to work one ok! If you want to set an alarm, wake up when you hear it for goodness' sake! At least have the decency to snooze it asap if you want to steal another five. I hate alarm sounds, clock, mobile whatever, they get on my nerves and bite into my very being =(

* Polling ends today, I think. The guys at the polling centre told me results should be out in a week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. If it doesn't go through, I'll start to plan to move out for good. Much rather have my sanity than my savings.

Felt slightly better when I reached office, despite the irritating rain which reminded me of persistent British rain.

Tatty Angel, courtesy of Kel, is looking at me with teardrop eyes. Is she just being sweet, or is she pitying me for all the things I have to do, outside of work?

Chinatown light-up was officially opened last weekend and CNY is three weeks away. The planned launch of my spring cleaning on Fri night wasn't successful; started cleaning only Sat morning. I tore up my satin dress for NJ prom - ok, graduation party in the hall - and used it to clean my satin dancing heels cos other materials didn't work quite well. Anyway I've been wearing that dress as nightwear for the past few years. Can't imagine I actually dared to wear that super short dress with 10cm high slits when I was 18!

So I cleaned out some 20squared-cm of grime from my shoes and a big drawer of clothes in about three hours. Dumped a lot of old clothes, transferred a lot of seldom worn stuff to the cold palace where they'll wait until I get my room-length wardrobe, pending the upgrading or my otherwise imminent rented room. More cleaning waits for me tonight.. Must also remember to air my new army green bag - Kok said it's like his duffel bag, only twice as expensive - cos the material stinks!

Anyway it's lunch time and I'm not eating with my colleagues. I'm supposed to be on some fruits and wholegrain detox diet, a modified version of the watermelon-only diet recommended by Yoga, cos can you imagine me lugging a watermelon to work for three days?! Not to mention the effect on my bowel movements.. But this morning in my sulky state, I forgot and spread peanut butter on wholemeal bread! Well, at least it's not white bread..

In case you're wondering, peanut butter is so not allowed in a fruits and wholegrain diet.

Lunch menu should be honey tomatoes (which I just gobbled down) and two slices of wholemeal bread. Only. But some kind soul put a box of Rochers in the pantry.. How? Mouth said, "Eat la!"

*The desks and chairs witnessed mf walking proudly to the pantry, and skipping back to her desk happier, Rocher (one only) in hand*

Yes I'm having a Rocher now. I usually prefer silver but gold is very appealing when it contains cocao :)

Since my diet is now modified beyond recognition (that it is a detox plan), I might as well have another Rocher. Heck, throw in some nuts and other chocolate in the pantry too! Oh so sinful! (But I love it! :p)

Sunday, 16 January 2005

mf-ism? Narcissism?

My spelling sucks. As I was growing up, I read a lot of fiction, and I didn't use to spew this much (rubbish?) from my keyboard/mouth. So ended up that I could recognise many words but couldn't spell as many. And my phonetics is crap too.

Anyway, I had to check up M-W for the correct spelling of "narcissism"; OCD doesn't allow such gross errors! Just typed in "narcissm" and the thing threw up the correct term. Since I was in, might as well check the definition, just to make sure I got my word: -

"1 : EGOISM, EGOCENTRISM
2 : love of or sexual desire for one's own body"

Should be it la :)

And now may I proceed to the main topic..

I have this idea that people who have their own websites, including blogs, photos etc, are narcissistic. Why else would they want to publicise themselves, their lives, their thoughts etc to the world??

For me, it's obviously so - I love myself! My (rebonded i.e. fake) straight hair, my slit eyes with hidden eyelids, my lovely complexion, my luscious lips which hide my straight teeth (and expensive too - had braces before; strange that my straight stuff are all fake..), my blemish-free back, my slender wrists (possibly the only slender part of me, how unfortunate!) and my toenails which are big enough for decent nail art..

The rest of me, I shall not be too bothered with, especially my poor tummy and, guess what, my ears. Left earlobe has a painful little lump in it, a few months after the pain in the right one subsided - lump still there though, better not get cancerous. Though I haven't actually heard of ear cancer.. But then I haven't heard of many things so..

But I didn't used to be like this, as in loving myself. Used to hate my adolescent self for my square sulky face (gone now, thank goodness!), my horrible hair (no money for rebonding.. Did it even exist back then??), my shapeless body (more the fault of my huge shapeless pinafore which Mother simply refused to shorten - it's past knee length, imagine!), even my handwriting but most of all, for having no life! Gaaa! I'm past that so I must be especially good to myself to compensate for those sucky years in secondary school :)

Anyway I was saying I love myself. And I like to share things about mf cos it's mf and everyone must know :) Then sometimes I don't get a chance to say all I want to say. So I decide I shall write. Remember, I didn't use to talk a lot; I still tend to hole up. Hmm, sounds dysfunctional!

Just now I was reading Yen's* blog and wow, chim, I can't understand 90% of it.. Makes me realise how fluffy and ditzy I am! But "fluffy mf"? I like! Why should I be anyone but me? *Wink* Oh, you don't like? Can't stand mf-ism? Then let me say thanks for reading thus far and bye!

* A note that during dinner last night with some seven Oxonians, I suddenly realised that the last time we sat together was on my floor in Frewin 2-4!

Erm, I'm getting distracted by the Bao Gong show, I think I should go watch it full time while packing my weekend shopping away.

Oh, that's not full part anymore :p


Friday, 14 January 2005

My html sucks!

Was trying to figure out how to add a stats counter on my blog. The idiot-proof guide wasn't that idiot-proof. Unless, of course, unless I were worse than an idiot.

But dumbita wasn't about to give up! Took me a while to realise that I have to generate a html code and stick it into my blog template. Then the question is, where about in the template html??! I was glad that I understood the concept of trial and error in school man.. I soon managed to put in the counter where I wanted it to be. And of course, thanks too to that Chinese project in which we had to create a webpage for some Chinese festival. Remember that, SY? :)

Next is the format of the counter. Very smart, this thing. I can control that from outside the html crap! Just go to my account at
StatCounter :) It was difficult tuning the colour to match my template but ultimately I got a nice enough match and let it go at that, can't be bothered anymore..

But the number alone, quite lonely, not? So I tested my html skills (again!) by copying some html text elsewhere for all the <> things, change the words and ta da! I've got the words right next to the numbers *smug*

Problem: Colour doesn't go with my template.. Hmm, can't make it match.. I think I'll have to learn a bit more html.. For now, I'm happy just to see the numbers jumping - it went from zero to four in 5min! And no, I didn't log my own visits.. Again, smart system, smarter than moi anyway :p

Office banter

We gathered at the pantry for lunch. Pretty usual. Except that Siok decided to play Scrabble and that FK added only words relating to sex were allowed. So there, we've got a themed Scrabble going!

A taste of some of the words: dire (see below), durex, bind, play, fudge, suck, robin, yank.. Eh, can't remember any already but very funny! And hey, it ain't easy so must give us all credit :)

Then during mid afternoon slump, I realised that a friend from Oxford looked very much like Chris! An email to him, cc-ed to Joyce and Dor, was later followed by very loud "wah liaos" from his room! Assuming the email exchange was the cause la.. I even gave instructions on the leg lifting butt exercise for him to tone up his rear, which, btw, was Joyce's soft spot.

Erm.. Not literally SOFT spot, ok!! :p

There, my office. Cute hur? But sometimes can be very warped. Like the conversation during themed Scrabble today, between the usual suspects, who were trying to exemplify how the word "dire" relates to sex: -

FK: You're in dire need of sex with me!
Jason: Then I'm in dire straits!

Anyway, back to normality pls.

I saw this test, took it and my twin results below for all to see. Twin cos I have two answers for one question.. So which is more me? You tell me :)


I'm Eponine!
Spunky, resourceful, and fearless, I don't take a lot of guff from the world, and sometimes I'm kind of freaky. Secretly, though, I just want to be loved in spite of my attitude and my goofy hat.

Which Les Miserables Character Are You?



I'm Enjolras!
A person with a cause, I charm everyone around me with my revolutionary ideas (not to mention my natural charisma). Unfortunately, I don't have very good social skills, and my impulsiveness is liable to get me in over my head.

Which Les Miserables Character Are You?

泣けない夜

夜、12時20分。10分前にうちに帰った。

さっき、自分で映画の「誰も知らない」見てちゃった。お母さんが一人で子供を四人育てていた。長男は12歳、次は京子、茂と5歳だけのゆきちゃんいた。兄弟だけど、お父さんたちは全然同じじゃなくて、お母さんは大変だと思った。

クリスマスの前に、お母さんはうそついて、うちで出て離れていた。その後もう帰ったことじゃなかったんです。兄弟も困られちゃったんです。

あの日、ゆきちゃんはいすから落ちってしまった。それからずっと目覚めてなかったんです。

びっくりした、私は。そうように死んちゃ?まだ赤ちゃんだけ!この悲しいのは涙が出られないのです。映画は最初から終りまで、こんな感じ持っていた。

シォック中、帰途にタックシの中、一人ぼっちで悲しくて寂びしかったよ。気持ちも悪かった。何を考えてるのは、分からない。今でも、心もドキドキ、静かにできない。この映画にされた感じもうさしぶりね。

まさか20歳の危険かも…?

重い心と、眠っていたほうよ…


Update
I suddenly recall, it's the feeling of hopelessness, especially in Kyoko's eyes, and the sense of responsibility in Akira's every movement, that stirred all these emotions.. And then, there is the unspoken sadness in Akira and their friend whose name eludes me.. Sighs, we do have a lot, don't we?

Wednesday, 12 January 2005

High on KLK

Feel happy reading and sending emails on KLK just now :)

We'll always be the kakis who la kopi together man!!

Gosh, that sounds like it's from a teenager.. But it's a nice thought. And it gives me renewed energy to continue with my work..

Ganbare, my dear friends! :)

I found my Wu Qi Long bookmark!

There's going to be this charity bazaar going on this weekend somewhere and Chris was asking around office if we had anything to donate for sale. I was digging through my little pile of books last night when I struck gold: a bookmark of Nicky Wu in "The Giant Book of Classic Thrillers"*!

* I used to love thrillers! My primary book prizes (for Best in English and 3rd in Class 6A) all made my hair stand. Now I decide I want to get rid of them. Kept only the 3rd in Class prize cos it's got my lovely name in it..

Gosh I had forgotten that I had such a bookmark! Very reminiscent of the early 1990s when the wholesome trio Xiao Hu Dui disbanded and each member went solo. I'm remember that I liked Nicky Wu very much cos at the time he was really cool! BUt now, eh, how shall I put it.. He's no longer my kind of idol? :p

Shall pin up the bookmark at my workstation for a while, then I'll keep it among my treasures from the past, heh!

Some people from that era stay the same, which is bad cos times have changed. Of the Four Heavenly Kings Jr, only Su You Peng can make it, but if only he'll stop changing his English name.. The original Four Heavenly Kings, however, they are timeless man! Though I don't like Leon Lai for various reasons.. I like that Aaron Kwok has morphed into Prince Charming from bubble gum pop, and thank god he no longer sports that irritating DUi Ni Ai Bu Wan hairstyle!

Whatever, we're still singing Dui Ni Ai Bu Wan in KTV, complete with hand movements during chorus :p

With the so many new singers popping up in the entz scene, I wonder who'll be long-lived enough for me to comment that they are timeless in ten years' time.. I'm going to a performance by Huang Shu Jun next month. He is timeless. So is Zhang Yu Sheng but he's dead, unfortunately. And people like Beyond (where are they?), Cyndi Chao, Emil Chau, Faye Wong, Harlem, Jeff Chang (though I prefer his earlier works), Kit Chan, Li Du, Na Ying, Phil Chang, Qi Yu, Sally Yeh, Sammi Cheng, Sandy Lam, Shirley Kwan, Tracy Huang, Ukelele (disbanded), Wan Fang, Sylvia Chang, A-Mei.. Wow so many.. And I haven't even gone into the xin yao people like Liang Wen Fu, Hong Shao Xuan, Yan Li Ming, names which are so familiar and warm to the heart cos of the songs they wrote/sang.

I shall go pick out my old songs to keep me company again, in a state of reminiscence already..

Monday, 10 January 2005

The men don't get it

Had a chat with a guy friend* the other day. The conversation provided me with some insight and inspired this piece. Anyway, I also buay tahan, must rant on the gender issue, specifically in the realm of relationships.

* Decided to keep him anonymous to keep him alive, since he indulged secrets of the more vulnerable gender! Anyway not quoting him totally, must inject mf-ism..

It may not look like it on the surface but I realised men can be quite dense. They can't take multiple hints; they can't make the correct inference from the happenings around them. IF, they try to make any inference at all. Maybe their ego makes them think they're too right to be wrong..? Whatever..

On the other hand, girls can be so much more jing ming, even though they may not look like it ok.. We may not be too direct, some kind of female jin chi thing la, so we drop subtle, and when exasperated, blatant, clues. And hey, clues are meant to be deciphered! Guys, you should have learnt what we are like so pls don't stay blur!

And no, asking us to be direct is so NOT an option. Unless we choose to be, that is.

Now ladies, don't shoot but I agreed, still do, with said friend that a girl can send out mixed signals to a guy, be it unintentional or on purpose (so called mind games?). Whichever way, guess this wrecks havoc on the simple guy who would rather wear his feelings on the sleeve. My take is that sometimes girls can't help it! Maybe blur ya, but more likely cos we crave male attention to some extent, AND we honestly do enjoy hanging out with friends. But just hanging out. Otherwise, there would be clearer indication; at least I would act on it :p

I was saying, actually, quite sad right, if all men are so thick, think I'd rather stay single and unattached than be with a piece of lead, in case I shrivel and die from frustration.. Besides I find status quo more fun and carefree. I hate to have to account to anyone. Hell I don't even tell Mother what I do and where I am! I know this is where some would go, "This is yet another spinster*-to-be!" but well, who cares so long as I'm happy? :) But well, met this guy lately, hit it off quite well, see if I see him again, don't mind hanging out! :p

* Actually the correct term is bachelorette, take note..

Anyway, reason for ranting is that I've got a tricky problem on hand. Maybe two but let me deal with each in turn. This seems to be the period when people get into sticky situations. Cos I'm not the only one; there's said friend too, whose problem might just be worse than mine..

Something he said which I heard somewhere before too: when you talk to guys about problems, they'll try to give solutions but when you approach girls to discuss problems, you mostly get very good listeners who empathise with you. Thanks, guys, for providing much needed advice. Having taken everything you all said into consideration, I've decided that I'll find as natural a route as possible at the earliest possible opportunity. Still keeping various scenarios in view, no doubt, cos I need to be prepared for all outcomes..

Don't know why but I haven't had a chance to talk to my girlfriends yet, not properly anyway. Later see how. I'm so drained, I must sleep now. Hope above is more coherent than birthday post; I didn't drink today..!

Really, men don't get their way; it's we women who allow them to get their way..

Oyasumi *.*

Update 11 Jan 05
Don't be mistaken, I honestly hold no extremist thinking of female superiority nor do I think all men are jia lat. I was just, well, ranting..

Declaration of Friendship! =)

I've received a declaration of friendship from a gf!

Pls allow me to lift from Na's blog: -

"Important
I've decided to make mf my honorary lifetime friend. mf, dear, so far, out of the many many friends I've had come and go in my life, somehow I just have this sense of security and trust in our friendship. I feel like you will never ditch or betray me, but always stand on my side and be there for me, no matter what. I'm really grateful that I have a friend in you. Please stay my friend, eien ni. I promise to be there for you too, whether it's a shoulder (to cry on lah), a listening ear (or two), or blood marrow, or organ. Just not blood lah, coz I'm anemic. Hee!!!
To mf: the best galfren one could ever ask for... Cheers!!!"

Wow..

That from a gf beats any declaration of love, even from a guy I've secretly admired for 10 years (who doesn't exist, btw..)

Thanks, Na :) Even though I'm not entirely sure what I've done to deserve this..

Hmmm, it's interesting how the three generic friendships work: girl-girl, guy-guy, guy-girl.

Among girlfriends, we talk about all the things you read in female magazines. We can debate which guy is cuter; we can discuss our love life; we can kao beh about work and bitch on every other matter. Well, almost. There are also things that, not that we're hiding but we just don't verbalise. I think we don't discuss the good and the bad about each other, like "Hey I think you're my prettiest* friend!", or "Hey, I'm so glad to have you for a friend!"

* Tested! Some years ago, I was feeling sian and asked a number of close friends, "Am I pretty? :p" All replied, I think, but none of the girls gave me straight answers (whereas the guys mostly analysed my face separately from my body, gee..)

As a female myself, I think it's partly because there's some competitive streak in us? Like, we don't like to admit our best girlfriends are better than ourselves. Then we're afraid to cause hurt or hard feelings by discussing the bad points of the other. And, perhaps we tend to take girlfriends for granted? Sometimes?

Let's look at the other gender. I can only roughly guess what guys usually talk about among themselves: work, leisure, girls, and not necessarily in that order.. Oh, and NS :p But what most of them don't talk about with their brothers, I heard from friends plus also read from magazines, are their relationship problems. Though I do know of exceptions.. Not sure why it's like that.. Guys, comments?

Finally, I'll put bf-gf aside and look only at platonic relationships which I'm more familiar with :p I realise this group discusses all that they don't tell their girlfriends/brothers.. Actually it's nothing surprising la, just that I only just piece it together as I started to write this.

That's why I'm especially touched by Na's gesture :)

Sunday, 9 January 2005

Ren Ci charity show

End up I didn't go to visit Grams, feeling shitty so decided to stay in and slack. Have been donning my yellow pyjamas since 430pm to watch the Bao Gong show on TV and read Female in bed. Only just came out to the living room.

MZ is watching the Ren Ci charity show. It must be the, what, 10th such show in the past year? I do understand it's all for a good cause but so many in a year? I'm seriously hitting charity fatigue. Sometimes I don't even know what each show is for. Perhaps I'm not the only one cos apparently they are falling short of target.

And it's a torture to watch some emcees pleading with the audience to make that $5 donation. Even harder to watch are those stunts that the poor artistes have to perform to win donations from the sympathetic public. I remember watching Sharon Au climb a ladder of knives; I couldn't bear a minute of it.

Then there are those heart-wrenching stories of families caring for a child or an elder with some disease. I imagine it must be hard on them to profile their difficulties on national TV and then be interviewed live at the show somemore. But I guess it must be done to let the public understand their plight la..

It's also quite a bad time to air the show; given the recent tsunami, many would be more likely to give to the relief efforts which are still on-going. That one was really tough. After a couple of days, the number of casualties simply became too big to comprehend and the scale of damage unimaginable. Tourist video recordings of the tsunami were very scary =(

Actually, when I was out with Na in town yesterday, many students approached us for donations. We just kept walking - I even said no to some - with our many shopping bags, not giving a cent. At one point, Na was asking if people get more hen3 xin1 as they grow older cos last time when we were in school, we would give 20 cents on flag day. Well, *shrug*

I owe a major sleep debt. Think I'd better go make a single call, just to support the poor woman who is hanging upside down now before going to sleep (after current phonecall) and forgeting all about it - until my phone bill arrives.

Happy Birthday to mf! :)

Woke at 9am with a giant thirst. Had half a bottle of mineral water and dashed back to bed before Mother could holler at me; she wasn't very pleased when she saw me return in the wee hours.. But it was too bright already, I could no longer go back to sleep, shit.. Pretended to be asleep until she left for the market.

Slept immediately in my party clothes when I got back, complete with make-up. Totally mortified when I saw myself in the mirror.

YOU MEAN I LEFT MW LOOKING LIKE THAT?!

Sighs.. I pretended I never looked into mirror and went straight to shower. That's where I slowly realised I remember everything from last night, sans minute details maybe but I didn't forget like previously lor. Hence..

CONCLUSION: mf forgets when sleepy; mf remembers if only intoxicated. I was intoxicated. Think it's more fun than being sleepy. Pls don't space out my drinks :p

We started with dinner at this Japanese place called En or something, cos Cafe Cartel at MS was no more, d'oh! It was damn ex! CY and I shared this tofu steak which cost $8. When it arrived at a hotplate, I could only stare: it's a freaking agedashi tofu-sized tofu with four bits of vege around it lor! Took a picture of the last small piece of tofu cos I realised its staggering estimated cost: one buck.

We chatted in little groups mostly, too many of us at a big table and they are friends from everywhere: primary school, JC, OBS. Sort of invited all whom I usually meet up with to cele with me. Very happy they shang-ed lian.. Thanks :)

There were eight of us but only Na, Sito and I went on to MW. They got me a waterfall (almost called it fountain but Na just corrected me :p), a bit scary cos was rather close to the fire; straw wasn't very long lor! It was fun but it tasted like toothpaste to me. I don't like toothpaste.

But I do use toothpaste if anyone's ever in doubt!

To cut the long story short - I'm lazy; go see Na's blog for details. However, I'm not at liberty to disclose addy so, go find it yourself! :p

Ewe! I just blurped 12hour-old alcohol, yeeks!

Yes to cut it short, we were dancing to retro - last I did that was at a bop in third year; that's 2-3 years ago gosh! Along the way Uncle joined us, Na's ex-friend's uncle :p Btw I can't remember his face but think he looks like Kang Kang, or was it No No?!! Jia lat, me.. And there was Stranger-at-the-counter, Stranger henceforth, whom Na acquainted I think. He sent me back but I didn't know his name, in fact I don't even remember his face now! Best, they actually let Stranger, a stranger, sent me back! I think they must be quite gone as well - I wasn't alone! :p

Anyway, the dancing was fantastic! There were poles where we were and I staked my claim on one, to dance around it and for support cos my balance became crappier with every drink I took. Incidentally, I was just telling Mother Sat afternoon that I wanted to learn pole dancing :p Of cos she didn't understand pole dancing; she doesn't know English and the Mandarin equivalent slipped my mind. But MZ translated for me and there was the usual "Aiyer!", "Hiao ah!" etc. I couldn't be bothered man.

My index finger is swollen.. Na accidentally caught it on toilet door. I think I sobered a bit due to the pain. Then I happened to pick up mobile. Guess what, it's my father. First time that he wished me happy birthday in 25 years, how cool hur.. I downed a couple more shots but hell I still remember the phonecall today, sucks.

...

Happier stuff, happier stuff! Na just finished blogging and I just read it, so funny! Apparently she chased after my cab cos I forgot my bag! D'oh, I didn't see that, must be funny! Though I was feeling like shit. I think I lost steam on stage - was it a stage? - and we sat at some couch for a while. They all thought I was gonna puke but hell, no I was just freaking bloated. And couldn't really speak. Couldn't bother to explain when feeling bloated. I'm still feeling pretty bloated though much less than before, alcohol still fermenting in me *bleah*

Oh I remember thinking that Sito looked sinister.. Just confirmed with photos that he's wearing the same shirt as Halloween 2004. Little wonder :p Which reminds me, Na revealed: Stranger has a name - Lucifer - but I'll still call him Stranger..

Both Na and Sito told me just now that she scolded him for letting me drink so much. Actually more like I let myself go this time; no one can make me drink unless I want to, ok..

Oh suddenly remembered that at some point, I told someone I wasn't a little puppy/dog; I was a bitch. Don't wish to go into the origins of that sentence.. And Na just confirmed that I made that a public statement. Oops..

So, that's my birthday cele; I'm 25! And hey, I don't feel that I'm "getting older" this birthday. In fact I feel good that I'm one year older. Don't really understand why yet but I thought that's a good thing, perhaps I'm becoming more accepting of myself? Not sure.. This is also, I would say, an interesting one cos normally I'm not very enthusiastic about celebrating my birthdays in a big way - hell, it's just a birthday and mother was in pain this day many years ago! Maybe next year I'll revert to my quiet birthday. See how :p

Ok! I got the difficult one out of the way so let me go on to my other celes..

Division had our monthly cele for Jan babies on Thurs afternoon. The cake was yummy! And I received my Stefanie Sun's "armpit album*", a lovely bag and a sheer top (which, btw, could not top the sheer red briefs Joyce got for HK dor Xmas gift exchange!) that Joyce chose for me. She's always the one doing the presents, must be difficult.. But so nice right? Thanks, woman-who's-scared-of-mf-being-too-close :)

* One day at lunch in the pantry, Joyce called from outside; she was buying the requested album. She asked if the album name was just "Stefanie". I told her that it's the one showing her armpit - and everyone looked at me! True what, she is showing her hairless left armpit on the front cover :p Best was when Joyce told me that the shop assistant knew exactly which album she was talking about the moment she mentioned Stefanie's armpit!!!

Later in the evening, CY and I went for Italian before "Meet the Fockers". It was so funny! I think it's better than "Meet the Parents", which almost bored me to sleep in the theatre. And oh, I like Ben Stiller, he's cute in, erm, a cute way :p Anyway, dinner was fun and I updated her the good (lost weight - confirmed!), the neutral (shall not elaborate..) and the bad (too sian to say more!) of my life in the one month I didn't see her. Gosh I didn't realise we didn't meet up for so long! Our timings kept clashing I think.. She said a colleague kept thinking she and an uncle-level colleague had something. Uncle-level = 40 plus leh! CY is pretty enough to get better than that lor.. Oh don't know what the guys at dinner last night think of her and what she thinks of them.. *wink* I'll go ask them later :p

I went back to TTSH for the skin prick test Fri morning. Yes the cockroach mix thing, ewe.. The nurse drew markings on both my arms and dripped 16 tiny drops of allergens and controls between the lines. Was thinking, "Huh, that's it?" when she took out a pack of needles and started to prick my delicate forearms through the allergen drops! I saw tiny blood spots =( Can still see three red dots on forearms.. I endured the itch for 15minutes before she checked the swelling and wiped everything off to apply anti-itch cream on me. Actually, worse was the wait to see the doctor - one full hour! What's the point of making appointments if they cannot keep to the timings?! I spent a total of 3hours and 15min at the freaking place, including getting medicine which alone took 30min. I was hungry and pissed when I left at 130pm =(

Just now I lifted my arms to look at them. Pain in biceps. Must be from grabbing the pole too much last night. It's time to resume my Amore classes man..

On a whim, I decided to go to the Levis store at Raffls City to check out their low cut jeans. But I was sorely disappointed! THEY DO NOT CARRY THAT LABEL BEYOND SIZE 29 IN SG! I wasn't interested in other labels so I left. Spent less than 30min at City Hall, wasted my bus/mrt money, bah!

Since I'm at shopping, allow me to skip to Sat morning.. I woke at 730am to reach Creative Tours at opening time, wanted to beat the queues :p Got tickets for Japan/SF but I'm on waiting list for JAL. In case it doesn't work out, the nice lady put me on ANA as well :) Met Na in town to buy things (read: not just shopping aimlessly). We were shopping like men: we zoomed in on specific items. Spent close to $200 combined in Isetan just on cosmetics but it was mainly Na's purchases, heng! :p I bought only the marshmallow powder from Ettusais; I want my face to be smoother than it already is.. Yes my complexion can be better. Be jealous. Haha!

Next on the list were my trousers. Went to Heeren to get that pair of black trousers. This time I tried it with my highest pair of heels, boleh! :) So I got it. And I bought that pair of jeans I eyed at FNT too. Wore the black one last night; will keep the other for CNY.

Ok ok, back to Friday..

After the disappointing jeans episode, I went back to where surprises were lurking. Mother walked in with this army-green towel held to her chest, in a funny posture, and said, I must translate, "Tomorrow your birthday.. Nah, this one give you!" And she threw it to me. At me. I was like, Mother gave me birthday present? Erm, towel?! Then she explained that it's supposed to be super high absorbent one; she asked YQ to help her buy. Happy! I've always wanted to get such a towel for my hair, good for backpacking too :) Then, then comes the "YOU AH! ALWAYS GO TO SLEEP WITH WET HAIR, WAIT NEXT TIME TOU HONG THEN YOU KNOW HOW TO DIE! LAST TIME MY AH KIM LIKE THAT LOR THEN NOW SO MANY YEARS TOU HONG STILL CANNOT BE CURED!"

Gaaaaa! =(

Second surprise didn't come with a howler: it was a bouquet of eight peach roses from YX, just cos I said I haven't had flowers for a long time! I was so happy! Thanks, Ahmah! :) I took pictures with and of the roses, for something to keep even after they're dead. But I intend to dry them properly and replace the old petals I kept in a pretty box some years ago. Make a nice decor item for my future room.

After prancing around the roses for a while, I went to Kewei's place for drinks; he had a riesling to share. I'm no connoisseur but I thought it was one of the best wines I've ever had! The last time I took to a wine was the red I got from Cornell, which I've not managed to find elsewhere. Anyway I forgot the name already. But I'm the kind who gets sleepy on wine, especially when I had only a bowl of soup for dinner - Mother fed me soup before I ate anything and I became full and refused to eat. The poor guy was looking pretty stoned from work and lack of sleep but he drank with me - in fact he drank most of the bottle cos I cmi - until past midnight anyway. Then, yet another surprise of the night: he dished out a vase of white tulips, for me! Ahhh! White tulips, mf's favourites! Thanks man :) What a stroke of luck, cos he didn't know I like white tulips. But he knew my obssesion with prime numbers; there were 11 tulips :p Took pictures of tulips too; I like to take pictures :)

After writing such a long story, tummy is happier now. Should get my ass out of the house before it gets too late. Want to watch the Bao Gong show at Grams' place. Next blog might be a more serious one. Have some thoughts I want to articulate but still a bit scattered so kiv la!

Thursday, 6 January 2005

Prawn me Thursday

Na said my previous entry was "odd"..

But then, mf is one odd ball..

:p

I read it a minute ago. Maybe today I don't feel so shan qing.. Anyway my hairs stood! I thought I can really write crap, albeit eight years too late for my darn Geography paper..

Well actually I am feeling quite pissed today. Maybe not pissed. Just miffed. Eh, someone called me "miff" before.. Can't remember who.. Nvm..

I was looking at quotes by celebrities during lunch, most of them silly. But do let me end with one that I vaguely remember from some time ago: -

"It's not how a man enters your life but the way he exits.. that leaves the greatest impression on you."

*Gasp*

I shall finish my prawn mee and get back to work..

Wednesday, 5 January 2005

Before the turn of a quarter century..

mf has been real busy since the new year but now that giant mtg #1 is over and the minutes done, I can relax until giant mtg #2 at the end of month :)

Hup reminded me to blog on that pair of trousers we saw at Heeren on 1 Jan when we went shopping, so I shall!

I was trying to find a pair of trousers to wear with my pretty lacy top that I bought with Na at a handbag sale. Fyi, the sale also had shoes.. Anyway, we went into Chaos and I spotted this black pair, all spandex and lycra and looking like I'll never carry it off in a hundred years. But I tried anyway - trying is free :p

Guess what, my love handles didn't show and my butt looked cute! Heh.. Sito exclaimed I had small legs; he thought I'd be bigger! @#%$@@ But Hup was the pro man.. "A bit short.. Cannot wear very high heels.. Wear lower heels la!" The salesgirl was definitely impressed! I liked it except for the length and the price: $79. My tummy was like, FLAT! Maybe I might go get it afterall..

Received two cards from my friends in Japan in the past four days. Miki is ever so thoughtful, to send me a Xmas/NY card every year. And WX remembers my birthday every year; I'll always receive warm greetings from her the week of my birthday. I'm always very touched when I receive cards, cos it means people remember my existence! And also cos I'm forever the guilty one who always forgets..

Actually I find that I feel gan dong easily, by small gestures/favours that people do for me, when friends confide in me, and by even a song, an mtv or fiction.

Digress: That reminds me, I want to write! I hope to start with short stories and move on to a novel one day. Or I could start smaller, writing only a plot of some story in my mind. One lifetime is just too short for experience, but we can learn from other people, friends and strangers around us, they must have different experience. Since I've only got one life to live - and I doubt I can ever act in real life drama, I can live out alternatives lives in my own stories. Once I find time, I shall put up little pieces of fiction in a separate blog. But must have ling gan first.. Watch out for it, ya? :)

As I was saying, I'm easily touched.. Woe be the day when I can no longer feel my tears welling up in my beady eyes, or when I don't feel my heart jerk with empathy. That's the saddest thing isn't it? If people don't feel anymore..

But lately, I've got the sense that despite our worldly pursuits, people do feel; they just don't show it. Just look at the tsunami relief efforts, I thought it was pretty amazing. And even anti-government bodies have ceased fire following the disaster which had already claimed so many lives.

No disrepect intended but that kind of begs the question: why should it take a major natural disaster to make people realise that there exist things which are bigger than what they are mundanely fighting for? There is a much bigger force out there and I'm not being theistic, I'm referring to the whole freaking universe itself of which we have only learnt a fraction. We may have all the technology but can we prevent a asteroid cruising at three million lightyears per second from knocking us out of our orbit before we even spot it on the radar?

One thing very "winner" about the tsunami incident was how authorities could actually manage NOT to get people away in time even though they were amply notified. The high number of casualties is no longer due to tian zai alone; it is also ren wei.

* Cos I haven't been following the news since mid Dec, pls correct if I've got the facts wrong..

Saturday, 1 January 2005

I feel pretty

The last day of the day felt so damn long! I woke at 630am and slept at 5am this morning..

Received a very cute kitty cookie tin from Ros at our division gift exchange, thanks! :) My plan is to bring it back to put next to my lappy when I finally have my own room, then I can snack as I spin webs, just like before :p

Then just as we were preparing to go up to the farewell party for PS, she actually came by to say bye bye, so nice right? I really thought she was a very sincere person at that moment, and as she was giving her farewell speech, I welled, sighs.. If she said anymore, I'd have cried! I wonder if I'm getting gan qing fan lan again, crying at everything..

Dashed off to Shen Lei's chalet and had a few proper games of mahjong; last one was in Oxford ok! But I didn't win so got bored in minutes; switched to asshole big-two instead. And as usual, BH was crapping away as we played, no need to elaborate his crap la :p

It was freaking 8pm when I got back - no time for a nap before the party! And I was really tired lor.. To cheer myself up, I decided to be erm, cheeky, to welcome the new year by wearing something new - my conquests from Malacca, heehee :)

Met up with Hup, Sito, CW, Leeyong and Huiwen (hajimemashite!) to go to the salsa thingy at Chijmes - incidentally, I actually forgot the way to Chijmes so yes, you may shoot my bird brain apart.

When Na joined us, Hup said she looked demure so "act like it"! So funny that he said that and then so tactlessly somemore :p Hey buddy, try to be smoother, like Oily haha! We didn't see Oily last night though Sito seemed eager to meet him.. Why, you want to be oily, oh I mean, sleek too? :) But there I go again, being mean to a friend by using such an ugly name: Oily. Just to clarify, I didn't come up with it. So, I guess, guilt reduced!

Kenji came by for a while too, and he gave me red roses so pretty I almost wanted to eat them! Thanks, but sorry too cos I later realised that I left Chijmes without the flowers =(

Fyi, I actually do eat (raw) flowers, especially orchids cos they are readily available as garnish in Lemon Grass..! The taste is not too great but they are pretty and I like the texture. For taste, I recommend lily petal soup, heavenly..

End of digression..

So, after some five minutes of countdown fun right next to the blaring amplifiers, we adjourned elsewhere to carry on the party minus the heat and humidity. I think that's where things got interesting..

I know I was sleepy and losing my balance but I do remember a few tequilas were all it took before all the frenching and boob grabbing - here's where you can let your imagination run! And of course, with Na around, there was biting too, no cannibalistic tendencies intended :p And I think I bit her back!

At some point, as I was sitting on the edge of the couch, I saw myself in the mirror and I thought I looked pretty! Haha! I believe I told everyone that! :p

"I feel pretty, Oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright, And I pity any girl who isn't me tonight.
I feel charming, Oh, so charming, It's alarming how charming I feel, And so pretty That I hardly can believe I'm real.
See the pretty girl in that mirror there: Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face, Such a pretty dress, Such a pretty smile. Such a pretty me!"

Heh, nevermind the song!

Hmmm, it's very difficult to write already; nothing comes to mind! All I see are flashbacks.. The only remaining concrete memory that Na tried to force Sito and I to kiss or something, was actually locked in by a now very painful bruise on my left brow bone which connected with Sito's tie tou in all the chaos =(

I think I'm quite jia lat; I had only two shots on top of a Bacardi! Did way better in Oxford man.. So this morning when I woke, I decided that I must train myself. I dug out my JD :p Let's see what happens next week when Na and I go out again for birthday drinks, heh!
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